I'm ok.

I haven't felt that ok in a long time. I feel like I have control and agency on my life again. I feel like I can respect myself again. I have been so self-destructive these past 6 months. Thinking I wasn't good enough for her, and thus for anybody. Thinking that everything was my fault when she got away from me, or ignored me, or failed to communicate. Paranoing for hours about what I had done wrong, how I fell short, again and again. Knowing that she never confronts people about the flaws she finds in them, and thinking of all her disappointments towards me. Hating my depression, my anxiety attacks, my self-destruction, my panic, my tears, my shaking, my drama, hating all of these because I knew they were drawing me away from her. Loosing myself and my identity again. Each time it happens, and each time, when I recover I tell myself that it won't ever happen again... Until the next time I fall in love.

Maybe I'll never break that pattern, and I'll just have to hope I find someone who is aware enough of it to prevent me from falling into that trap again.

In the meanwhile, recovery feels amazing, and I hope the Lamictal prevents me from getting TOO excited about my growing emancipation and confidence. I'm really afraid I'll go into invincible mode again.

But now i'm celebrating, my new place, my friends old and new, my new life. and not waiting for her anymore. And I'm recovering myself, and healing, and getting stronger, and allowing myself to be angry. And not just at myself anymore.