First day of tapering off the effexor. One brain shiver, not too bad at all. Maybe after a few days like this I'll try to email the n.p. to see if she'd be alright with me tapering off faster. I can't start the wellbutrin until I'm off the effexor, so there's a bit of an incentive to get off this stuff fast. I kind of believe it's not doing me any good, though, which would mean I won't get worse at all. I mean, I'll still have brain shivers and such, but that's still better than extreme depression. And if this is how well I've been doing on meds that don't work, meds that do work could be much better. So there's that to look forward to. Tried the sleeping pills last night, one half of one pill, and it only ended with bad dreams that I can actually remember. One about a sick, dying baby that I was trying to take care of, and another about an old man on the subway that was sexually molesting me. Woke up trying to push him off me.

Still missing the ex. A lot. Missing hugging him and the way he smells and the way he kisses and the sex and just holding each other, naked, in bed, after sex. Spent a lot of group today just thinking about him. Maybe I'll make the jump to full-blown fantasies tomorrow. Except that would probably require some lead-up scenes of us getting back together, and even in my fantasy world that isn't easy to believe. Especially since in my dream world I don't have these fucking breasts. I keep thinking about my ideal body. I mean, what would my body be like if I could have built it myself? I don't mind most of it. I like my hands, my neck, my shoulder, even my face, I guess. My hair, all of it. I'm at least at peace with it.

But then there's my breasts. There are my breasts? Whatever, grammar is besides the point on this subject. They just seem wrong. I look in the mirror, or in the windows I pass on the street, and I just don't like it. In a different way from the way I might not like the fat on my stomach or my legs. Maybe partially because I hold responsibility for those things. No matter how much I exercise or diet, my breasts are just not going to go away. I have to admit I'm a little hopeful the new meds will cut down my appetite and I'll lose some weight. Maybe I should go back to weighing myself. Except that I'm also really hoping to build some muscle, so that's not such a great idea. Whatever, I'll just start exercising. Like, really. Especially if I can ever get some sleep.

It's been about a half hour since a took the pill. Not really feeling much. I guess I'm just going to give up on working on myself for today. Time to try to sleep. Maybe even have some going-to-sleep sex fantasies.