AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. There, that feels better. Tonight my roommate commented that I must have an awful lot that goes on in my head, but I have such self control that it doesn't show. And she is right. It takes so much energy to contain what is going on sometimes.
If I let myself just go, I would be pounding the walls with my fists until they were well past bloody and I would like it. I could be throwing shit. I could be doing a lot of things. But I don't. I'm sitting on my spot on the couch, looking somewhat lazy with my feet up on the coffee table and typing on my laptop with my ipod on. Yet there are these violent pictures in my head. And it is taking every single ouce of energy not to beat the wall.

Every Friday...I have tons of agitation and so I just chill the fuck out. I don't go out often because I really can't. I have to chill. All of the weeks stress falls on me Friday after work. Well, today (Tuesday), I feel the same way that I feel on Friday. And that my friends, is a very bad sign. It is only freakin' tuesday. I have three more days to get to the point of Friday and I'm already there. And I don't know what to do. I have a strong inkling that if my roommate was not here...I just might have gone at the wall. I know this because of how bad I want to do it even though she is here.

I'm glad I'm a behavioral therapist because it helps me in my own life. I have to teach children about impulse control and I'm sucessful with that. Why? Because I have to do the same fucking thing to myself.

I love my fast brain, really I do. And now I don't think that its necessarily how fast its going that is the problem but how much I have in my brain. So its not speed, its intensity and volume.

My boss on occassion (she is aware of the bipolar. Before my revelation everyone just thought I had this endless amount of energy and they didn't know what to think about it, I was just odd), has told me to let her help me if I need, especially in setting limits. And my good friend gave the best analogy ever: "you're like a fisherman who never comes back to shore, boat will sink with fish :-P" And that is totally how I feel. So I sent my boss an email tonight asking her for some mentorship if she will help me set limits and tell me what's important and what is not of the most importance right now. So I hope that will help some.

And I just want to give 200% to every kid of mine, but that's just not possible 100% of the time. Some kids need more attention at different times. And sometimes its just...I don't even know. Its complicated if you aren't in my field to understand some of the intricities. And I work for a new company- we've only been open a year and so they are still working out the kinks.

And you know, its not just work that stresses me out- life does too. There are other things on my mind- money, my car situation, the future, my reunion with my family in Dec. Shit like that.

Have you ever been boogie boarding (or maybe surfing) and you misjudge when the wave is going to break and you just get caught right in the break and it pounds you to the ocean again and again. That's how I feel. Just being pounded and it gets harder and harder to get up.

Sigh. But that's just me on this mad journey. It's crazy sometimes, but I probably wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather care too much than too little. I'd rather have a million things going on than one. Then again that sounds all a little extreme ;-) But hey that's me!!! And that's the way I roll!

:-)
Erin