Been feeling pretty suicidal lately. I know when I start feeling like I wish I was locked up again, that I have taken a turn for the worst. My roommates haven't helped with this sense of isolation. Saying things like they don't understand me. And shit like that. I understand that lots of people don't understand me and the way I am. But I do very well when people try to understand me. They don't actually have to understand, but if they try I do better. I try to understand my roommates. There are things I will never understand about them, but I try. It's like if you just want to keep saying you don't understand and then not attempt to understand then you are a waste of my time.

I just don't understand people who want to sit there and judge others and then claim they are open people. That's not how it works. You can't reject some people and claim to be open and accepting and understanding.

I feel alien to the human race

Icarus has become a bit of a lifeline lately, I hope that is ok. I feel even a little bad about that, even though you all are nameless and faceless to me. Still....

What I am trying to master is the art of not wanting more. I get stuck in these patterns of wanting to be out of this isolation, wanting to not be so lonely anymore, wanting to be less depressed....

These are all valid needs so it is hard not to want these things. But if you are always wanting and never attaining, it tends to screw you up. And it is clear that these aren't things that I am going to get now, if ever. It reminds me of when I was in treatment and I had a discharge date, and I got my hopes up thinking that would be the day I was free. Only, that day got pushed back, and further back and moved again...until I realized getting my hopes up and wanting my freedom only made things worse. I never really did get out. There was nowhere for me to go, parents signed the dependency order so I was a ward of the court. And going in thinking I would do the right things and get out and go home and having that outcome makes it hard for me to think I can rely on anything. But of course, that is really just the tip of the iceberg so to speak, just one example. And now I feel like the answer for me is to deveop a sense of not wanting. Even those basic needs I have, if I can't meet them then I just need to accept that I am unable to meet them right now and not want something that is not going to happen.  I have caused myself far more suffering by wanting things I knew I could never have. They were needs. So I guess I can't be too hard on myself for wanting my needs met. But there is no way some of those needs are going to get met now. So all I can really do is accept what I have now. That emptiness is never going to go away. It will always be there. I just have to live with it.

That's tough. But it's life.