yesterday was another day of bulimia hell.

 i've heven't gone outside for 3 consecutive days, and  i've called in sick to work and locked myself in my house telling myself that by tommorrow everything would be perfect, I'd get a million things done etc. etc. etc.

right. sure. damn, this sucks.

 i'd really love to recover. like can't afford to do this to myself, to wreck my health like this. i started calling up potential therapists yesterday so i guess i'm taking steps in the right direction.  sometimes i relate the bulimia to a sort of fear of self expression, it's the same sort of thing. i use it to  numb myself cause i'm afraid of te intensity that's really inside me, afraid of what will happen if i let it out. i've been wanting to write a zine about eating disorder recover/support for a while now, but haven't gotten around to it cause i've felt guilty working on it while in the modst of a terrible eating disorder.

but i've felt really motivated lately. i started knitting yesterday, which makes me feel really happy cause i haven't done that in ages. the  red color of the yarn and the soft , repetative clicking of the needles is the most relaxing, enjoyable thing in the world at times. i'm sort of in the process of divulging my cretaivity after so many years of reppressing it. thanks to my abusive mom and stepdad and my meager self esteem and gargantuan inner critic , this isn't easy. but i find that once i'm regularly creati ng a space in my life to be creative, in different forms, my body begins to crave it the way it would crave food, or rest, or relaxation. writing, knitting, etc.

I want to make diarama's and joseph cornell-esque boxes, i decided i'm going to collect interesting things for collages and build shrines.  oh, i also need to come up with a name for the per zine i'm gonna be working on, but for some reason i can't settle on anything. i get overwhelmed with all the thought, but when i need to switch my brain off, it's as simple as daydreaming, thinking of all the people i care about, some book i'm reading.