I awoke to the light of the early morning rays escaping through the space between my curtains.  A lingering emotion followed me out of my sleep into the wakefulness of the day and I reminisced the events that were preceding my awareness.
It started abruptly the bumping and grinding of rocks under the tread of my bicycle tires, the pounding felt through my hands and wrists while the shock of another rut sent my bike in a bone jarring jolt.  Tired and breathing heavy I stopped at a wall of fallen rocks and let my feet to rest on the earth.  Leaning over the handlebars I gazed down at the sun reflecting off the surface of a small clear pool of water.  Surrounding it were tall trees and the remains of one lay fallen in the water, cutting the pool in two.  It was then I spotted a white oblong shaped object rise within the dark depths and softly break the surface of the water.  \it rotated gently and I could all but wonder what it was, until I could see the broad forehead that could only belong to a bear.  My soul leapt with excitement, being that this moment had been long awaited to reconnect with my love for this great and wonderful soul.  I stood agape in the presence of a sickening fear as I suddenly perceived it to be dismembered from a body, a dismembered Kermode head hundreds of kilometres form the land the Kermode walk.  A slow and pained "noooooooooooooooo" rushed out of me, through the space between my teeth and I bit down on the pained voice, concentrating it into a slow leak.  I reached out to this horrible happening, knowing that the Kermode is a protected species and even this does nothing to tame the evil hearts of some men.
I reached out, wanting to change it, to reverse it, to heal it.  The head stared at me as I stumbled down the rock towards it, intending to pluck it from the waters and hold it and cry apologies into what it was.  The head sunk under the water and I could see milky paws move swiftly under the surface of the pond, it reversed its body back under the fallen tree, surfacing as a full bear on the other side, and making full and stead paces towards me.
I ran for my bike and once on I picked my way swiftly and carefully along the narrow rocky path, knowing that one slip would cause me tremendous loss of momentum and sure death.  I could hear the bears gait in the pounding of its breath behind me.  Every third step it breathed out in a rush.  Huh Huh Huh Huh and then I could hear it approach and then the sound was in my left ear.  I looked to the side and watched its body undulate with the rocking horse rhythm it had developed.  We were together, at the same speed, and this caused me to wonder what we were doing together and why did I not stop to touch it?  Befriend it, spend time with it...  Why did I still flee when I knew it was waiting for me?  And as I went to stop this silly game of fear, it all disappeared.
I was in a large cement room filled with people and there in the few tables and chairs set up were my ex and his wife.  My kids were with me and I had Mercedes in my arms, she was straining only slightly to get away from me, only slightly.  I realized she wanted to see her step mom so I let her go and as she went up to her Mercedes placed her hand on her knee.  (Kay I'll call her Kate)  Kate held her like she really did not know what else to do- no love, just a perceivable act in their play.  I could see this, my kids could not.  My oldest daughter wanted to see her too, even though she had been abusively kicked out of their house only weeks after their marriage had been consummated.  Years ago.  She touched Kate on the outside of her wrist, and Kate batted her hand away, repulsed by the touch.  My ex smiled. 
I exploded when I felt the hurt in my daughter’s heart, the confusion, the abandonment.  "You are killing them slowly inside Asshole!!"  I screamed like a banshee... "You are hurting these children because all you have room for love for is yourself" I yelled.  "Your lack of compassion for them and your distant hatred for me is filtering down into their systems like filthy poison!!!  How long do I have to deal with this total disregard for your own children before you kill them emotionally?  DO NOT FUCK UP MY KIDS!!!!"
And there were people all around and they were clapping, they were cheering, and Asshole and his wife ran through the crowd, away from this spectacle gone wrong, and I woke up...
I think I screwed up in life, I dive-bombed on the relationship game and my children are suffering.  I look at loving fathers with their children as they laugh and love and play and I almost cry.  There is something my kids are lacking and that is parents.  Family.  At least the family I dream for them.
So the bear thing... I have no clue what it means... and why I had to tell Asshole off AGAIN to make myself feel better.  I have finally cracked a month ago and told him all this, and what it means to be a good parent, and love a child.  He has no clue, as I had no clue when I fell for him in the first place.  I am repulsed by the sight of him.  I thought he was a good person, someone who he is not.