"Teaser" is cute, but seriously.

Don't mean to be a bitch, but if you're going to automatically generate a password, why ask someone to input one?  Some of us are mentally ill around here, and some of us who might be logging in for the first time might want to get straight to the brass tacks of why they're here in the first place.

Why I'm here:

I spent fifteen years on psych meds for bi-polar disorder, PTSD and at one point ADD and eight months ago, I just went off my fucking meds.  Just did it.  I can't say it's been easy, in fact it's been really outrageous and difficult on a lot of levels, but my parents support me and so do a lot of my friends.  I found this link last night from a friend because I was really suicidal - as maybe some of you might be intrincially aware, my life is One Damn Thing after another in terms of super-weird experiences (personal, political, mystical, you name it) and recently I had a series of weird experiences that just made me think it was time to end it all.

For now, I am using a pseud because I don't really know what this is all about.  Suffice to say, in the past eight months I've written 2.5 books (one is ready for publication and is a bipolar memoir, and another deals with my thoughts on how trauma is the actual trigger point for BPD, because it's a genetic disorder and genetic disorders generally have an environmental trigger of one kind or another.)  In my real life, I have published extensively on lots of different topics - maybe I'll share more later.

Simply put - 16 years ago I had an experience that was straight-up "magical thinking" in the mind of allopathic psychiatry, and I was so freaked out by it that I simply took the diagnosis and took the fucking pills.  I went on and off, studying my face off on psychiatry, psychology, magick, religion and all sorts of different stuff trying to figure out what actually happened to me.  At the time, I was a 24-year-old person with a lot of promising talent - in the past 16 years it should surprise no one here that I lived homeless a lot, on med and off, and I've had your usual drug and alcohol problems, yadda yadda.

Magickal thinking - my ass.  Magickal shit happens to me on almost a daily basis - there are times when I'm afraid to leave my house because I don't know who I'll meet or what they'll tell me.  I am a magnet for weird data, weird people, and weird situations.

I am currently working with a VERY LOOSE "praxis" of sorts that between yoga and meditation, I can stay off the meds, and to be quite honest with you, I would rather die than go back on them.  Most of the time, I really do think that.  I think that BPD is a GIFT that western psychiatry cannot incorporate into their so-called "empirical models" (hahahaha) because Western science will not cop to the reality of paranormal phenomenon.  In real life, I am charming, well-read, intellectual and interesting - the problem that I encounter mostly is that my emotional life is ALL SCREWED UP, because in addition to a liminal state of mind, I also possess liminal sexuality (bisexual) and liminal gender as well.

In other words, I guess you could say I am mad, but in some respects, I am western psychiatry's worst nightmare - or at least I want to be - it's what we used to call (in geo-political terminology) "the threat of the good example."  Fact is, if I can live off-med, then maybe you can too and maybe we can have some real dialogue about the very weird things we are all thinking about.

But you know what I need right now?  FRIENDS.  I need people I can talk to about what I've uncovered and what I think.  Yes, I can write more books about it and I probably will, but the fact of the matter is that this has been a VERY lonely road and I'm tired sometimes.  The latest drama is that I met someone who was very special to me because she possessed a lot of gifts also and has so far avoided being "discovered" by psychiatric authorities (it's a witch hunt, IMHO, a modern one, yes, and peopled by some very well-meaning folk, truly) but the fact of the matter is that They Don't GET IT because if you can't bend a spoon or levitate, you're just a freak who sees weird shit and they have meds to make that go away.

I will be unpacking this one way or the other because I DO NOT want to go back on med.  Yes, I keep a small supply of diazapam when things get out of control - I have to, so far, because my knowledge of yoga and meditation is frankly very limited.  My next stop is India to try and get a handle on Indian mystery schools and what THEY THINK about the mind, because the western neuroscience model is just too...mechanical.  They don't believe in auras or prana or meridians or any energy system whatsoever, and the fact of the matter is, this stuff is real, I think.  You wouldn't believe some of the experiences I've had - or maybe you would and you should write to me about them, because trust me, I have been there.

One caveat:  Anyone reading this who thinks this gives them an inspiration to go off med - don't do it.  Or do it slowly.  I just went OFF them and I was on a pile - lithium, lexapro, lamictal, and abilify, and unless I had both a lot of friends and a lot of personal courage and stubborness and some very nice parents, this is NOT recommended.  I had a lot of support to do this once I did it, and I suffered A LOT.  Came very close to the edge several times and couldn't have done it at all without certain key friends on the Internet.  I had YEARS of reading and hundreds of consultations with doctors and lots of weird experiences before I finally said...

you know what did it?  I'll tell you.  I came very close to suicide (and my life was utter shit) and I frankly decided I had nothing to lose.  And I had a lot of supporters who could see that the process of going off med was very helpful to my productivity and understanding of a lot of things, and those motherfuckers have been there when I hit the wall.  A week ago, I could've told you that the entire time, I have had ZERO depression - the past week has been different and I was very very close to just taking all those Seroquels and other weird shit I have stockpiled, but I didn't do it, because, well, I have something to PROVE.

Anything anyone has to say to me, be kind, okay?  I am speaking freely here because it's my understanding of what little I've read that you're interested in non-Western solutions to our common problems.  If you think this post is irresponsible - delete it, but don't attack me, alright?  Please?  Because I just want to help everyone who's in this predicament.  Western psychiatry is LIGHT YEARS away from understanding this issue, because not enough of those people have seen What the Bleep or experienced what we've experienced.  And I can tell you the truth - it's real but we MUST have avenues of personal exploration and training to deal with it.

enough.  Have at it.

loving kindness

h3llo23