Today I am starting the journey of being med-free. I'll probably be making less and less sense as time goes on or maybe I'll be making more sense. It's only the first day, so nothing amazing is happening. Nothing is happening right now, only I'm burning some dragonsblood incense and things just seem to be so so. I got back from an interview with a Harvard alumni and she was 'very impressed' and I'm glad. So, maybe she will accept me. And maybe things will be getting better and better. But, I don't know what I should do with myself anymore.
I could...just keep taking these meds from day-day. But, I don't think it's a good decision to do it anymore. This is not a medicated existence, this is not a medicated world.

I cannot feed these evil ideals, the Utopia of society. The problems we have today are that people are UNeducated about humanity.

Paradise Is A Lie: A History Of False Utopias

If you're living in a shiny happy world where everything is provided to you, and your white pajamas never ever get stained, then chances are you're in a false utopia. Someone's going to be coming and harvesting your organs, or culling you at age 30, or drugging you into obedience. The fake paradise built on a foundation of shit seems to flourish most during times when technology seems to be solving all our problems (like during the dotcom boom.) Click through for a list of false utopias.

You could argue that most dystoipan movies are really false utopias, because the rulers of a dark, bleak dystopia (like, say, Brazil) still try to pretend that everything is perfect and wonderful. The difference is, most dystopias start out bleak and dark, and just get more horrid until the protagonist is forced to confront the darkness around him/her. But in the "false utopia" subcategory of dystopias, everything is bright and wonderful, and the main character is either getting some great drugs, or having lots of fun sex, or both in the case of Brave New World.

The "false utopia" genre, says Transparency Now,

Here's a brief and cheerful history of fake utopias:

1909. "The Machine Stops" by E.M. Forster. Forster's reaction to some of H.G. Wells' more optimistic fiction. In the distant future, humans live underground, each in a separate "cell," with all of his or her needs provided for by the all-powerful Machine. Human culture stagnates, and people wrongly believe they can't survive on the surface of the Earth without protection. Over time, people start to worship the Machine like a god, forgetting they made it. And then eventually the Machine starts to break down.

1932. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. It's 2540, and everybody's drugged up to the gills on Soma, a sort of anti-depressant/psychotropic, and people can learn in their sleep. There's lots and lots of casual sex and orgies, and people chanting "orgy porgy" while having orgies. It's awesome. Oh, and people are incubated artificially instead of being born "naturally." The lower classes are engineered to be less intelligent and curious than the upper classes.

'Your living in a dream-world Neo.' the Matrix

It's a symbolic metaphor for society. The 'Perfect Drug' exists, and it's here in my own mind. It's not even real, just the collective egregore that society believes in and constantly creates through modification of their perfect roles in this perfect society- WHICH IS what we are creating. THIS PERFECT LIE of a society which doesn't even exist in reality.

I need to continue. I need to continue writing this but I don't know what to say. I am really feeling desperate here, because I don't know what I should expect. I was told by my therapist that Cancer could be cured, but not 'Schizo-Affective' disorder. Is this true? And is the disorder a permenant disorder? Or a permanent diagnosis?

It's NOT that I am tired. I am STARVING, starving to tell someone how I feel about this about the psychiatry that has been inflicted upon me. What does it mean to be 'ill' in this society in this culture? What does it mean to be living in a world where you feel that a doctor is not letting you question your psychiatric diagnosis? She jokes with me that I can go ahead and TRY going off the medication. WELL, what IF I would get better? What if I am just so beaten down, ABUSED, by people from all sides who would tell me that I cannot turn this illness around? The experts that know things, to 'TRUST the pill' and why WHY is this the PERFECT pill?

The pill is perfect for me, it cures everything. It makes me sleep well, it makes me think well, it makes me...'happy' and it's an anti-psychotic. Why do I NEED this pill to believe in myself. Which is exactly WHAT it MEANS. I wish I felt more safe with people, that I had a support system. I wish more people were on my side. I feel so trapped, for so long, for so long I have felt silently crazy.

This secret illness, this shameful illness. What does it mean to me? What is it?

How do you define madness, how do you define paranoia or even just plain old 'madness'??....maybe I have been shocked into fear, and getting afraid of people because I do not know how to define my own madness how can anyone else define it? I have tinnitus and that is why I hear voices. I dont see things though and never have. I dont want to be ignorant anymore...ignorant. Ignorant of the truth, of my own mental mind and traumatized reality.