watercolor attachment by Megan Moran Smith

Today is the day of my first blog post. Here. I had a blog for about a year, several years ago (it was in kind of a rough neighborhood, don't know that you'd want to go there). Today is the kind of day where I think to myself, again, I should be writing more. I should have a blog again. And it just so happens that today is the kind of day where just sitting down and starting a new blog is possible. Today is Anything Is Possible Day. Which isn't as Pollyannaish as it sounds. An Anything Is Possible Day can certainly lead to trouble.

Oddly, it was two years ago almost to the day that I first visited Icarus and thought this would be a good place to start a new blog. Wonder if I'm more manic in January as a rule. Perhaps it's an aftereffect of my annual Christmaspsychosis. Or maybe it's just because I'm on so much freakin' Adderall.

I don't know if I'm going up, coming down, or just running in place. After years of being prescribed dextroamphetamine as part of my psych med salad, and building up a tolerance which required up to 60mg at a dose to feel even somewhat okay, the drug disappeared in early November. The one and only manufacturer simply stopped shipping it. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their nostrils. So....thus began my Adventures in Amphetamines as my psychiatrist  (hereafter referred to as The Wizard) and I tried to find a substitute drug that a) worked; b) was widely available; and c) my sadistic insurance would cover the cost of. (For all you editors out there, may I please refer you to Mark Twain's quote along the lines of, "This is something up with which I will not put.")

After various scrip experimentation, and going through amphetamine withdrawal SEVERAL times, I decided just to have done with it and purge the entire class of medication from my body and my life. I weaned off gradually. Evidently not gradually enough. On day 8 since last pill, I found myself in the wilds of a resurgent withdrawal which logically should no longer have been happening. When I pondered dousing myself with butane and flicking my bic, it occurred to me that perhaps it was time to wave the white flag, and sent my poor suffering spouse (hereafter referred to as The Knight) to our local pharmacy to fill my prescription. And, 180mg of Adderall XR later, I was feeling no pain. I could breeeeeaaaaaathe. I could think. I could look at my puter again. I could tackle three years worth of unopened mail. (Yes, I did say it was Anything Is Possible Day, didn't I?) I could be PRO-DUC-TIVE.

And so it was...all night long of course, and still going this morning. You see, I actually think the manic started during the withdrawal, that the latter somehow triggered the former. It just wasn't a very productive manic (there's that word again--productive--more than one friend makes fun of my "Calvinist work ethic"). But now, with my happy little pills, I'm actually gettin' her done! (Hm....so why is there still so much unfiled paper on the floor of my office...must have gotten sidetracked at some point, and....wait, what was I saying?) *sigh*

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow....I shall begin the process of weaning off again, even MORE slowly, even if it means breaking open the capsules and counting those little pellets one by one, but SOMEHOW I am going to remove amphetamines from my bipolar/resistant-depression/ADD-ish/anxiety-ridden equation and see what of me is actually me. (Okay, well, me and the 14 other prescriptions I'm on.)

But in the meantime, it is still TODAY. And me and the Adderall are going to finish all that filing. Or maybe make an all-season wreath for the front door. Or dye my hair purple...yes, really. And if you've made it to the end of this post, you have my heartfelt thanks for reading and spending a little time with me.

Happy Anything Is Possible Day!

xoxo, fleeting