I feel like my head is starting to spin. So much I have to get done before I leave for thanksgiving break and I can barely get things done without having to leave. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I am not really looking forward to this trip, but it's kinda an obligatory trip. I also have 2 people in particular I really want to see. And I'll put up with the others to see those two.

I emailed my therapist canceling my appt. Then she gave me the line about how these issues coming up are the exact reason therapy is a good choice for me. She always does that. I have been pushed over the edge into no man's land by more therapists in my life that I am absolutely terrified I'm not going to hold up. I have no support. It's not like I can just go home and be fine after. And I don't feel like I can call anyone. I have pretty much used up all my pathetic calls for my entire lifetime and people are visibly sick of me at this point.

It hurts so bad.

Some people have just chosen to stay away from me, others have told me to my face....

I am too much.

And I still have no support. No way of dealing with anything that gets brought up in therapy. This was my problem before...

So I am going to write down how I am feeling so that I can just read it to her, because my terror is so huge that I freeze up and go blank. And can't say anything at all. SOmetimes I just start crying and shaking. I feel so low. I feel like I will never be able to commuicate with her because I have no way to handle it outside. The only thing that is there is my ED and I am barely getting by. My coping system is overwhelmed. I want to tell her that. I don't know how much longer I will be able to live independently. That scares the shit out of me. And where will I go? I don't have anywhere I can go if I start deteriorating. I'm afraid of that.

But I can't worry about that now. I just have to take things one step at a time. That's the only way.

Squirrel