So...despite quitting I am at work now. I have another couple of weeks left. I am learning more and more how terrified I am and it shows. My coworker told me I look like a scared cat. My posture says it all. I'm extra exhausted today too because I have been up so long and haven't been able to sleep.

Earlier today I was curled up in the fetal position sobbing in an empty classroom after class with the lights off. It took several hours and then I ran into a girl who I have been through a lot with. She sat with me. At first I guess it alarmed her and she tried to fix it but soon she realized nothing she said or did would help and I just needed her to sit here with me. That's all I ever need. Just someone to be present with me. It was helpful. I needed it and it was a blessing.

Unfortunately I have been having a lot of these spells crying in the fetal position rocking back and forth all of it.....

Combined with my developmental history of not talking till 41/2 and then having spontaneous language in sentences, chronic ear infections with 2 sets of tubes, repetitive cutting, eating and GI issues and the learning disability it points to a type of high functioning autism.

I've been diagnosed with all sorts of other mental illnesses but none of the meds have helped, in a lot of cases they have made it worse sometimes significantly so. No one can really figure it out and I'm a mystery. I definitely have PTSD, but autsim seems likely. It makes so much more sense why I have been reacting the way I have to things lately and all my life.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do with this info. It doesn't change anything except tells me that this is a chronic thing I'll manage and not something that has the possibility of getting signifcantly better, like PTSD could. It also helps explain the language and social difficulties tremendously. I keep trying so hard to do everythign I'm supposed to do and nothing helps, it would help relieve some shame and guilt over the difficulties. It's quite obvious bipolar doesn't fit me, neither do borderline or just plain anxiety or depression. I would be less a mystery if I really did have a mild form of autism. I might succeed better also trying to socialize with others who struggle with it. An option...