What the fuck am I doing? How did I not think this through? My ex is coming to sleep over in this tiny studio apartment. Tomorrow. And everything is a mess and I've been in depressive mode and I don't know how I feel about him. I mean, a few days ago I would have immediately wanted to jump him. But maybe less so now? Or maybe I've gone back to completely asexual and I don't want to jump anyone. Fuck. Fucking fuck. I guess this is some of what I'll talk about in group tomorrow. I sort of don't want to waste a day on it. I worked out today that I'll be there for about ten more weeks. Maybe take off a week or two if I manage to plan a visit to see my father. I have to admit I'm incredibly apathetic about that. I don't feel like I have much to say to him, which is horrible because I haven't talked to him in ages. I should talk to him properly some day. Maybe even just send him an email. Fuck, now I feel even worse.

And more difficulties with my mother when it comes to my hair. She thinks it's fine the way it is, but I think it's horribly cute and that's just not what I want right now. I want short, boyish hair.

Anyway, deep breath. I will recommence weight lifting when the ex leaves. I will not do anything stupid. I will simply be giving myself an opportunity to figure out how I'm feeling. I will wake up early tomorrow morning and take a shower and brush my teeth and clean up the apartment and maybe even cut my hair. DBT, mindfulness, and all that shit. Deep breathing. Good night.