why do I do this weird sleep thing to myself? BLEHK! 

So I stayed up from 10pm to 10am yesterday morning writing and recording a
new song.
I'm fairly satisfied with the result.
At least I consider it "acceptable for mass distribution".

What is it not acceptable for? It's not acceptable for "consideration as the culmination of Beau's artistic/technical/musical abilities".
No, I can think of several things that I could do to it to possibly improve upon
the sound and concept of the piece. But it's a lot of hassle to do them. So for now we'll just stick with "acceptable for
mass distribution".


Also, lately I've had the strange urge to off myself by-way-of bullet.
I see a shiny silver handgun, in my head (no pun intended).

I was having a really strange day the other day, I was shaking (perhaps just excessive, uncontrollable fidgeting?) and getting very angsty, while being in a
fairly positive mood. My girlfriend was over, and I kept telling her to leave.
I was being real heartless, I wasn't even being mean about it, I just didn't care
how she felt. I can't tell if that was a personal choice to be an asshole (a real
asshole who didn't care) or if that was my brain.

Eventually she convinced me (or I convinced myself...?) to go with her.
We went out to eat, and I was dancing to an instrumental version of "Fly Me to the Moon" in my seat. I want to do an interesting cover of that song now.
But in my head I was also considering how easy it would be for me to kill myself via bullet to the brain. Even though I was having a pleasent time, I would have shot myself if I had the arms access.
I just would have done it. Wouldn't have thought much about it. I would have said, "Beau, you won't live through this, you won't mess up. It's fool-proof, and then you're fuck'n free, man!"

But, alas, I had no gun. I was at Chipotle, after all.

So I've been contemplating getting a permit and gun. In case the feeling arises
again.

I, obviously, have not informed many actual aquaintances of this information.
Even though the majority of these "aquaintances" would probably just laugh,
thinking it's just another facit of my "quirky" personality.
whatever...

But it got me thinking... what if I did plan my death? Then wouldn't I be able
to do whatever I want? Would I feel free to do the things that I'd always wanted
to do? Knowing that they won't have any long-term impact on my life?
It's a strange, yet invigorating feeling.

Well, I guess I'll sleep on it.

Maybe I'll just bite the bullet on this one, and endure the pain of living.
hyuck, hyuck!

Love,
~Beau