Maybe not really, but I'm just sick of being here. I like the quiet and the times where no one's around, but I hate the feeling that everyone is going to parties except me. I hate that people don't respond to texts or make proactive plans. Or at least they don't make proactive plans with me. Well, fuck them. I've been blazing through my div work and although there's so much more to do, I will get it done. I'll get it done with time to spare and I'll get drunk and sing to myself in the woods. But right now

I trailed off there and went and took a shower and made some pasta with cheese and put on real clothes and did a little bit of data work. I feel better, sort of. I mean, I've clearly adopted a fairly nocturnal schedule, but I'm about to start some real work on my data and I'm feeling kind of good about writing an introduction and editing my first two chapters. And the parents will be back in the states tomorrow or the day after, which means I can talk to them at more convenient times (for me).

Other successes include that I have actual toenails. The downside of that is it seems I've taken up plucking my leg hair, which wouldn't be back except that I sometimes scratch the skin and leave these red spots. But I'm thinking about leaving the tweezers in the bathroom, with the hopes that I'll only use them for my eyebrows that way. We'll see if I can keep them there and not bring them bac to my room. The sores on my head are also healing. They're not all healed over, one is still sort of a scab, but the others are just bumps. I guess they'd be scars if I could see them. No worries, I'd look awful with a shaved head anyway, so I don't care that much. And I originally made a deal with myself that I would stop picking at one of them so it could heal and that one is doing very well. You'd barely even know it was there. So, on the list of normal-person-habits, crazy-person-acheivements I've stopped picking at my toenails and at my head. And I painted the toenails on one foot and I'll do the other one tomorrow. I only have a few colors, I should buy more.

And I've been pretty good about flossing and brushing my teeth and washing my face. I haven't done it the last few nights since I've been feeling so crappy and sorry for myself, but I will do it tonight. I've been very good about mostly not picking at my face. I mean, occaisionally, especially when I have a huge whitehead or something, but I leave the blackheads alone usually. I'm still working out how to deal with acne cream and sleeping on sheets since it always seems to bleach them. Maybe have white sheets? I should see if there's an online message board about that anywhere. Okay, I need to stop writing here, maybe more tomorrow since there are a lot of anxieties and thoughts I want to work through, but it's 4am and that's my normal bedtime these days, so I shouldn't stay up much later.

Future self, please know that I know you're working hard. I just spent a few days feeling sorry for myself, but I kept pushing myself to get things done, to shower and get dressed and go for a walk, even if I don't manage to do it until it's dark outside. You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself every so often. I feel sorry for you. It hurts so badly sometimes. Or it doesn't hurt and it's just numb. Either way it sucks. But you keep working. So, just know that I know that. And try to love yourself the way I love you. Write more in your "I love you" book. Use a heat pad, eat something delicious, go for a walk with your ipod, do a little project.