This blog is so good for me. Really. It gives me somewhere to write down whatever is bothering me at the moment and figure things out in another format. But at the same time, it's free from the prying eyes of anyone I know personally. I mean, I think there are a few people from my university here, people I actually know, but they don't know who I am, and even if they did know, I'd be pretty okay with it. It's just like a completely neutral person that you can talk to about anything. This has become my default blog. I've completely stopped writing in my older one that all of my friends had access to.

Okay, moving on now. Let me think about what's bothering me....

Oh, first of all. I know some people must have at least a passing glance at this since the site records all of that. Of course, I know it's entirely possible that they just read the first line and decide not to read any farther. Regardless, I wanted to say that although this blog doesn't have a comments section, I fully welcome any private messages or whatever. I'm trying to work on this socializing thing, going to lunch with people from group, talking to them during breaks and on the way out of the building.

So what I'm really getting at is this: if you're in the same mental/emotional place as I am, or if you want to ask me anything (really, anything, I'm kind of fascinated by probing questions) or if you have advice to give, or anything else, feel free to send me a private message.

Now that I've done all of that blogging about blogging, I'm really tired and I should go to sleep. Just a quick list of things bugging me: I need to confront this friend and I don't really know what to say (I think I'm going to try hammering it out here in the next few days), I want to go visit my father, but I also have hard things to talk to him about and I'm worried that I won't enjoy being with him, or even if I do, being alone in that city while he's working will send me back to the level of depression I was in the last time I visited. And the time before that. I keep wanting to change my appearance, and at the same time I'm afraid that it's not really healthy, that I should just accept my body and feel comfortable presenting however I want, in conjunction with my existing body.

We'll see what happens there. I'm still lifting weights and chopping off bits of my hair. I'm putting off shopping for clothes at the moment. I've officially stopped shaving my armpits and my legs. If I do, I just feel really naked and weird and uncomfortable. I managed to come up with a preliminary list for my syllabus for the indepentent study I want to do in the fall. It's on representations of disease. I need to look at the list again with a more critical eye and a more energetic mind, but since I've been putting this off for months now, I feel pretty damn good that I've made some progress. Also, made plans for the weekend, although I should make further plans. Will not drink, will not do drugs. I have to give it a try, I have to be serious and committed to getting better instead of just coping.

But now, good night. More blogging tomorrow, hopefully in the morning. I'm planning to take my laptop to group so that I can be productive while waiting. Oh, one last thing! I'm reading a book I'm enjoying a ton. It's called Nearly Roadkill by the fantastic Kate Bornstein. I will not get sucked into writing ten paragraphs about it, I'll leave it for another night. Before I fall asleep on the keyboard, good night.