After the funeral of a friend, and another sleepless night, I've come to the conclusion that I have to make some big changes.  BIG changes.  I'm tired of not sleeping.  I'm tired of looking in the mirror and hating myself.  I'm tired of feeling ok one day, and so depressed I can't move the next.  I'm tired of thinking, "I should do this, and I should do that."  I've known some small things that would improve my life immensely, but I have chosen not to do them.  Why? 

I remember reading something where 1 person told another, "You're scared of succeeding."  I don't know if that's true for me, but maybe it is.  Maybe I'm scared that if I beat these demons now, more will bubble to the surface.

I stopped going to therapy about 2 months ago.  I can't.  Or, I can't see the therapist I was seeing.  She's too nice.  She tells me what she thinks I need to hear.  And then she makes me talk about my mother.  Enough about my mother.  I get it, I get it.  My mom fucked me up in multiple ways, and my dad had a hand in it too.  I don't want to live my life feeling shitty about my parents.  I need to live it and feel ok about myself.

I want to use this space as a place to record my upcoming journey.  I used to journal a lot, but sometimes I feel that journaling is too secretive.  I don't want my journal to be the only one to see the best and the worst of me.  It may be that nobody else ever reads any of this, but there's a chance someone might.  And that makes me feel accountable.

I'm going to start by setting 2 small-ish goals for myself.  #1.  I need to give up caffeine.  It makes me crazy.  Everyday, as soon as I take that first sip, I can feel the anxiety rise.  I can feel my heart speed up, and I can feel my stomach stir.  I'm prepared for the headaches that will ensue for the next few days.  I am ready.  #2.  I want to run this loop near my apartment.  At my physical peak, when I was feeling my very best, I could run 4.5 miles with no problem.  Now, I can barely make it 10 minutes.  The loop I have in mind is probably a little less than 4 miles.  I really think I can do this.  I woke up this morning and started out - I will take it bit by bit.  I reached my first goal this morning, and even exceeded it by a little bit. 

There are some bigger goals that I have in mind as well, but I always make the mistake of jumping in head first, going all out for a few days, then relapsing right back to where I started.  So I'll hold off until I get these first 2 down.  But sometime in the future I would like to cut out white sugar from my diet, as well as dairy.  Both of those things make me feel like shit.  I think I'll probably tackle the dairy situation first.  Cheese will be the big obstacle, but other than that, I think I'll manage ok. Still, I will save it until I'm confident about kickin' the coffee.

Here it goes.  Thanks for being part of this.  Have a great Monday.