i am on day whatever of cymbalta withdrawal. i haven't slept more than a few hours most night. lack of sleep is catching up with me.

cymbalta has severely fucked with me. suicide, voices, anxiety. was it worth it for my psychiatist to be able to diagnose me with atypical uni-polar depression? as opposed to typical? would i still be typical if i had refused the meds? i think i am done with him.

today is day 33 of sobriety. since my suicide and last drink i have come to recognize my trans identity, alcoholism and codependency issues. it feels good. i have a hard time believing the drugs helped.

i would have made a suicide attempt whether the cymbalta was present or not. suicide was a necessary step for me. my vehicle survived but the self that maintained a fascistic desire to be lead and created was executed. i woke up from my induced coma after four days and felt blank.

up until that day i could not shake the self that had been imposed upon me as early as when my body was a fetus. "is it a boy or girl?" even though my parents did not find out in advance the polarity was set. one or the other. nothing else.

from birth on i reproduced my self according to the instructions. the state was slowly ingrained in me until i attacked my self. cutting, self-hate, heavey drinking and drug abuse. i would consciously, though without much control, destroy relationships i loved. i could thnk. i was aware of exhisting but i was them. there was no autonomous choice in who i was.

so i had to die.

now i am re-membering.