So today I went to a workshop thing about finding creativity instead of self-destruction. And it was good, in that it made me think about some things. Things I don't forgive myself for. Things I have a hard time with. But the outcome of all of it, was that I had to think about distressing things. And then made myself distressed.

I guess I should be really be more explicit about this since this is the only place I have to do that. So here goes. I can't forgive myself for having suicidal thoughts. I haven't mentioned it to anyone except my shrink, once. There are all kinds of reasons: moral, emotional, etc. And I can't forgive myself for not being as adult as I wish I was. I just have so many questions and so many childish habits. And I can't forgive myself for being as assertive as I wish I was. For instance, there's this guy in my class. He'll be known as Zed from here on in. I spent ages today thinking about what to write to him on facebook. I should have talked to him in class last wednesday, but of course I didn't. I have only two more classes to actually talk to him in a proper conversation and ask if he wants to hang out and get his number and then hopefully become friends and then fuck at some point in time.

After spending ages agonizing over this single sentence facebook message, I decided I'd give myself a little bit more credit and resolved to talk to him on monday. I'll have three days to obsess over this potential conversation. And trust me, I will. How is this so hard? I'm so pathetic. But if this works out at all, even as a friendship, I'll feel so much better.

I'm also having a lot of issues over my ex. I saw him yesterday and was just seized with this urge to kiss him passionately and fall into bed and tear each others clothes off and fuck. He's wanted that for a while. And he thinks it's a good idea too. I want to, but I don't necessarily think it's a good idea. That's what all of my friends think. At least the ones that I've been able to admit it all to. One weird aspect of this is that I have this strange feeling that I shouldn't have sex with him until I've had sex with someone else first. It's about proving to myself that we're over, completely. I know that, I really do. I'm just afraid that I'll delude myself into thinking that he's the same guy I fell in love with for so long.

A friend of mine told me that she was told by a therapist that you should construct fantasies of the best possible thing that can happen. I have so much hesitancy with that idea because I'm so afraid of being disappointed and destroyed by it. But here goes. This is what I want to happen for the next few days. Tomorrow I will wake up, do my reading for monday, go up north, go through my belongings, get rid of some stuff, come back down, go to this dance party, and then go to bed. On saturday I'll go see my friend, work on my medical care final paper, go shopping for combat boots. Sunday is up for grabs. Not sure what else I'd like to get done. Then, on monday, I'll talk to Zed. We'll have a really nice and not too awkward conversation. We'll talk again on wednesday. We'll hang out in the next few days and have some good conversations. A week or so later, after more hanging out, I'll kiss him, and then a little while later we'll have sex. And then we'll have more sex, if it's good. And if not, I can always go back to the ex to maybe have sex with him too.

Zed would be my big proof to myself that I can meet people and have sex with them. Then I can move on to maybe tying up loose ends with the ex and sleeping with a friend of mine who I've wanted to have sex with for a while. But since he's already a friend, I'd rather prove to myself that I can do it "for real" before I start "cheating." It makes sense in my mind.

More to talk about later. This is actually really freeing. I can be as pathetic or silly or mentally ill as I like. And no one I know in the real world will know.