All of the last posts I've written have been in times where I just needed to get things out. I mean, I guess that's a good use for a blog, as well as a pretty good summary of how things have been going lately, but I'm pleased that I'm writing this now. It's a chance to work out the kinds of things that lurk beneath the level of immediate crisis. Just because I'm freaking out about my living arrangements and friends and group therapy doesn't mean the gender/sex confusion goes away. And it contributes its own immediate crisis states...going to group feeling like I don't fit in my own skin, trying to go in my binder, but spending the day sweating horribly and battling my breasts as they try to shift and readjust themselves, sitting in group curled up in a little ball.

Right now I'm exhausted. Kind of sweaty and gross, but I think the shower will have to wait for the morning because I'm just that tired. But I need to work out a few things here so that I have a prayer of falling asleep.

My skin isn't in good condition. I mean, better than a few days ago, but still very awkward-pimpled-teen. And I still hate my breasts. It has occurred to me that I really shouldn't think about doing anything permanent until I recover my sex drive. Assuming that it's possible to do that. I could just be assexual forever. I don't really think so, but it's possible. I'd just like to know about it so I can start coming to terms with that if I have to. Anyway, even if I remain sort of genderqueer, having my sex drive back could mean recovering some affection for my breasts. Right now I sort of feel like they're just unnecessary things that weigh me down, hurt me when I try to run, and require entirely too much attention. But they do sort of have a purpose of attracting sex partners. So if I want them to do that, maybe I'll fall back in love with them. Or at least be able to make some sort of peace. At the moment, though, I still fantasize about being flat, either like a man or at least like an A-cup female. Hell, even a B-cup would make binding a viable option.

Back when I had some sexual urges a few weeks ago, I decided I was going to build arm muscles. That went on hold for a few days while I delt with other things, but I'm back to it with some determination. I'm even drinking milk, which is supposed to drastically help build muscle tissue after exercising. Not caring about losing weight or any of that. I'll see if I can manage to get some badass arm muscles (my goal is pretty low considering my complete lack of upper body strenth at the current time) and then maybe, and it's a big maybe, I'll pay some attention to losing weight for the purpose of making my manly muscles more visible. Sadly, losing weight almost never does anything for the size of my breasts. But maybe if I do make efforts in that area I'll be pleasantly surprised. You never know.

Group has been sort of useful, I think. I'll write more about that later, maybe this weekend when I have some more reflection time. Right now I'm going to sleep. No idea of my own gender, no idea of what the hell I want to have sex with, if anything, ever.

The fight to reconcile with my hair will resume in the morning after we've both had time to regroup.