It's just a daily decision at this point. Whether putting your foot down and saying "this time for sure" or immediately following the thought with "Why? that's stupid don't do that!" it seems like suicide is just who I am.



For as long as I can remember, I've had a hard time with wanting to die. When i was young, if i got sent to bed without dinner I would sit in my room and cry and think, they are so happy having dinner without me, everything would be better if i didn't exist. At that age, I couldn't recognize how much i hated my existence in the world. As i got older, i started locking myself in the bathroom and threatening to take the pills. I once heald a knife to my chest in the kitchen to get my way. I was too young to realize how badly i wanted to die, but i always did. Once i was at an age that people start to consider how you are developing as a person, I was taken to a therapist and diagnosed with dysthymia something I think speaks quite loudly as i was probably 12 at the time. Most of my teens was a mess, My first major episode including every type of ups and downs, i thought about killing myself frequently but never really thought it something i was capable of. I saw the movie constantine at too young of an age to gamble with the theoretical existance of Hell. (i went through a phase at the age of 10 where i couldn't go to sleep because the idea of forever freaked me out. It actually kept me up so badly that my mom ended up telling me that heaven and hell don't exist and that forever doesn't exist.) After my first episode, i went back on medication. I switched schools and planned on moving away. All my energy went to moving. I learned how to be responsible with money, i learned how to be independant, i learned how to be homeless and how to love my family. And everything seemed to go well until i was 19. As i have said, i have always wanted to die, i just never really considered it an option. I used to hit a wall with therapists who would dismiss my depression as i wasn't at risk. And i believed it. I believed i would never kill myself. Then, i learned what it was to be psycotic. I learned what it was like to be manic, and need to run a mile every hour or do jumping jacks instead of standing still. I learned about actually having no control. I learned about how evil your subconscious can be and how powerful the human mind is. I took up cutting and smoking. Slow death i joked with myself, but i was serious. This was the beginning of my suicide attempts. When i came out of my second episode, i was diagnosed bipolar and put on various this and thats a few times a day. And it was great, i was fine. Until my goddamn english doctors "felt uncomfortable" with the number of medications i was taking. They needed to "confirm the diagnosis". and they did. A few nights in the hospital, some stitches, and my first, very half assed suicide attempt. So, i gave up on the NHS (national healthcare system) and started seeing a much more highly qualified(and so expensive) psychologist and a therapist. I got my meds back to normal levels and find myself, stable. 
I have good moments and bad moments but as they say the demons have been kept at bay. But have they? Going back to the beginning, i have always thought about wanting to die. And i do, every day. But it seems my suicide with a safety net attempt awakened something terrible in me. I am now convinced i will kill myself. I know that's how i will die. You see, I'm not afraid of dying anymore. In fact, i know i have lived a full life and dying now would really just be ending on a high note. I've accomplished everything ive ever wanted to do, move to california, take mushrooms, travel the world, live in england, go to college and be a semi-adult. My only life goal i have left is marriage, and thats only because i want someone to HAVE to deal with me for the rest of my life. I want to not be alone is what i mean. So all in all, I don't mind my life, i think it's very nice. But it's not worth staying alive for. And with my fear of missing out what could have been for myself gone, i almost feel like it's not a bad idea. And so i find myself taking a shower last night when i decide that taking all my sleeping tablets is really the best way to end the night. I had a normal day at work, the shift went by quickly, i worked with people i don't mind, and got home and took a nap. I had work in the morning and then plans to go out tonight and nothing at all was wrong. But I figured, why not? And so i got out of the shower, cleaned my room, put on make-up and a nice dress, did my hair, and sat there. Looking from my phone to my pills for two hours. Now, i couldn't sleep because obviously i had yet to take (any ) of my sleeping pills. So i did, i sat there until 3 am. Then i decided the way to go was to take them one at a time instead of all at once as that was unnecessary pressure to put on myself. I don't know how many i took but i got bored with the whole thing and decided work today wouldn't be that bad so i'd do the suicide thing some other time. 

The moral of the story here is, I know if i have another episode, now that i know what to expect...or worse, i will definitely kill myself. But even while things are going so great, i still seem to just want to kill myself. My life is fine! i like it well enough! on good days i LOVE my life i can't get enough! i go for walks in the sunshine and dress up for fun and read books or go to a nice restaraunt. Everything, is fine. 

So where do i go from here? I'm in therapy. I'm on medication. I live a stable stress free life. I have friends. I live far enough from my mother to love her and miss her and appreciate her. When will i get to a point that suicide isn't all i think about? And how do i get there?