I am 34 years old and all of a sudden I find myself in a safe place so to speak. But then I fear that I'm rapid cycling or going manic because I feel really good and then feel really bad like now. I have tears streaming down my face. But I don't think it it's rapid cycling but a recognition of the hate I inflicted inward for as long as I can remember.

I've recently gotten out of a four year relationship and been fired from a job that I put everything into. Both of which I "lost," my Dad says, because I'm so angry, and he is right. He sent me an email to tell me this, stating that all of my relationships fail because I am so angry and likened my experience at work with a lady who, in his mind, caused a miscarriage by yelling at a pregnant woman. I write of this because of the pain I felt when I read his email after finally getting out of bed feeling like my self again. It was as if he knew that I was finally getting over my crying and suffering of the weekend. My self-pity and rage against everyone who was not supporting me during this trying time in my life, namely my brother, the only relative living in my proximity.

Of course he does not posses psychic abilities and did not know it was the first day in which I felt better and ready to do something with my day. It had taken him that long to compose the email and send it to me after our phone conversation where I complained about my brother not supporting me. He heard the anger in my suffering and sent the email as a way to help. Reading his letter, however, knocked the air out of me and produced a pain that felt as if all of my insides were on fire and ripping apart. I emitted a piercing wail and then burst and then cried without sound because I could not make any. This was about a month ago. Since that time, I've made some bad choices around dating and have decided to actually pursue writing my life memoirs.

This, of course, I tell myself is ludicrous with all of the people out there writing memoirs these days. I work myself into such a fear of perfection that I am unable to write anything. I second guess everything and cannot type without knowing that the red line will appear when I miss-spell something. My cat seems to interrupt me whenever I try to meditate or write.

I can think of these things as attacks against me or I can acknowledge my fear of exposing myself and that my cat wants my attention. I can choose to dwell on them or release. This is healthy. How did I get here? I started with Alanon (red line and I don't care) because of an alcoholic boyfriend and found that those who grew up with alcoholic parents experienced many of the same things I did growing up with an extremely crazy mother. Soon I found co-dependents anonymous and realized that the negative thinking and thought processes that I know what is best for other's were shared by others. Next, I found acupuncture practiced by someone whose graduate thesis was about treating bi-polar disorder with acupuncture. Finally, I found Non-violent Communication and the rug was ripped out from under me. This time, I hope I don't spiral into a manic episode.

Those in my support network, acupuncture and the non-violent communication class, re-assure me that being me is o.k. and that I am not in danger at this time. Still, my brother asks me quite frequently if I'm o.k. and if I'm going manic. And then an old friend who witnessed my last manic episode asked if I was afraid it would happen again. It was the question of this old friend that popped in my head today and triggered me to want to write about that fear.

I've been trying to blog on myspace, but fear that telling this there might be dangerous because of those that might wish to exploit my illness. Again, another point that causes great sadness. I'm trying to move from writing in my journal to writing in a more public forum where I can get feedback. My brother has worked with the Icarus project, and so, I decided to start a blog or pubic journal here. As far as being worried about going manic, the warning signs are here: decreased appetite, trouble sleeping, feeling somewhat good. And this is where the pain lies. I have an intrinsic belief that if I feel good, I'm going manic. If I have energy and want to get up in the morning, I'm going manic.

My acupuncturist believes that I am o.k. and would like me to try to exhaust myself during the day and sleep at night without sleeping pills. It's 9:33 PM as I write this and I did not sleep well last night. I did take a short jog today, stretched, and touched the pain in my soul surrounding this issue. I feel tired now and hope I can sleep the entire night through tonight. For some reason, writing that sentence struck something within. I hope I can sleep the entire night through without interruptions. I wonder if it is because I cannot control many of the interruptions, noise, that wakes me up or if it is because my soul recognizes and agrees with a longing for a good nights sleep without drugs to knock me out and separate me from her.

Love,

Nikki