someone please read this

Submitted by Patchsala on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 3:31am

Related topics:

dealing with crisis

I am afraid to be diagnosed. I am afraid of having a label. And as an ironic result, I have come to wonder what is wrong with me, and whether or not there is indeed a breed of madness in my mind. Part of me wants to know what my problem is. People I have encountered over the years tell me it is all in my head. Just think happy and I will be happy. Just act as other people act and i will be normal.

Well I have tried and miserably failed. I have these strange intrusive thoughts when I go to sleep. Very vivid pictures of things that have happened to me. More like reinactments, spliced with images of harming myself (things that actually have not happened) that are paired with intense impulses to make them happen. For example: I often re-live an event where I witnessed a friend of mine try to kill himself, then the images switch to childhood abuse, then being beaten up up by an ex, and it goes on and on in cycles of traumatic events. These images are accompanied by smells, sensations, sounds, and tastes. Then the cycles of memories stop, and I feel and see myself wounded or about to die (i.e. kneeling, reaching for the sky, and I am covered in lacerations... Or jumping in front of a train). At this point I feel an intense urge to harm myself.

During the day I am usually despondant or unresponsive. I rarely have any facial expression. Yet I have cycles of emotions. Sometimes I will spend months extremely depressed, and have maybe a week of hyper happy moods. Sometimes I go from depressed to happy several times a day. ( and I mean I will go from elation and the belief that I can do anything I want-planning careers and great works of art-to no belief in anything and suicidal ideation) Often I get the urge to simply leave and go to another state or country, reasoning that I can hitch-hike and find food in trash cans. And recently I have had the unbelievable urge to shave my head, and I don't know why. I am a girl, so this is frowned upon to my understanding.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is all normal, whatever normal is, or if these are symptoms of some mental illness. I understand that this is not a medical site, and that nobody can give a professional opinion, but I was hoping that somebody might be able to suggest what might be wrong and what I might do to control it.

somebody please please respond. I have been trying to find a person willing to reflect upon these oddities of mine for some time, and I am feeling very alone

insomniacfreakster@gmail.com

Good News!

Submitted by pipebomb on Wed, 05/20/2009 - 4:18pm.

Good news! You are self-aware which means that you are not that far gone! I became self-aware awhile ago but kept things to myself. The struggles and stress of the internal fighting has taken a physical toll on me. Dealing with high blood pressure and ulcers are just a few things that happen when you're bottled up. You have taken the right steps of opening up here and seeking help, something that I should have done a long time ago.

I don’t know if we are all really crazy or if we are the only ones enlightened enough to know that there are two sides to our minds, light and dark. When you start thinking about hurting yourself, remember that is just the dark side talking, don’t listen to it, don’t bottle it up inside. When the dark side speaks, seek friends who can help. Tell them what you have heard. A good friend will not judge you by your darkness, but will help you walk through it.

As far a any kind of treatment goes...I don’t know the answer to that. I wish that I did and could give you some help but I am just a loose nut with a computer!

Keep talking, writing, and just being open with people that you trust is a great beginning. If you have no one to be open with, this is a good place to find some one.

KA-BOOM!

from

PiPeBoMb

Diagnosis Is Not A Label

Submitted by Tarot on Wed, 05/20/2009 - 2:05am.

I am 34 and have a life long history of all kinds of serious problems, many quite similar to your own. I made only minimal and painfully slow progress until I finally admitted to myself and others that I can’t do this on my own and need as much help as I can find. In other words, I finally stopped fighting it and submitted. Part of that help was clinical diagnosis (I was diagnosed with BPD - My therapist also said that most likely I was full on DID at some point in the past). At first the thought that something was “wrong with me” scared me so bad it took every ounce of my strength to keep going forward with the process. Now, 9 months later, I’m in a TOTALLY different space. Learning about BPD has been immensely useful for me because it gives me a framework to help me learn about and understand myself. As my therapist says, everyone in the world has every diagnosis in DSM-IV to some degree or another, so all a diagnosis really means is that a certain set of characteristics happens to be particularly strong with me. We are not defective, diseased, broken, wrong, or what ever other derogatory word might be used. We are just different than a large percentage of the population. That's all it means really. For me, my diagnosis has given me the tools I need to understand how I work and what I need to do to take care of myself. At this point, I feel proud when I tell people I’m a Borderline. There are so many positive aspects to the ways that I’m different, in addition to the struggles, that I would not want to be any other way.

I hope this helps.

Tarot - Diversity is the creative foundation for all existence

Some Ideas

Submitted by sweetmadness on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 10:26pm.

Thinking positive is a really important aspect of mental health. You seem to me to be perfectly self-aware. Someday I hope I can become an alternative therapist, one who teaches people about how to deal with abuse and recover from traumas. What I have learned is to cultivate my inner thoughts and find my true voice there. When you have these thoughts, is there ever a voice in the back of your head that says 'it's unreasonable or not a good idea' If you can spend time set aside to calm your thoughts and reflect it helps too. Learn to really understand that voice. I set a period of time aside to simply reflect on my thoughts...not necessarily caught up in the past or the future, just living in the moment. Slowing down and taking a breath is helpful, and finding an outlet such as writing or listening to music that's uplifting.

I've dealt with sleep problems for years resulting from certain traumas. I think that no one can underestimate how hard it is to overcome the sleep problems. I have dreams of being attacked and would vividly feel them. But sleep is very important to balance you out and let you relax and refresh. Maybe you might want to try working on the sleeping aspect. I think one thing is learning to imagine things that are stress-free. Like flying in the clouds, or resting on an oasis of your own. Communicating what you need is also really helpful. These are things I've learned through therapy and through my own experience.

I think you've come to the right place for support. But I must admit psychiatrists are quick to label people with chronic disorders that need medication. A natural remedy that helps me is Niacin which is the B3 Vitamin. It supposedly helps to level out dopamine...so it might help with the intense nightmares. For mood I am wary of 5htp I've read and encountered having nightmares from it. But I have not had any problems with Sam-E. The Sam-E seemed to work better than St. John's wort for mood though I took it for a short time when I needed it. I don't get depressed often.

I hope this helps somewhat and if you need someone to talk to pm me.

God Bless,

SweetMadness

I have had similar

Submitted by nonono on Tue, 05/19/2009 - 11:39am.

I have had similar experiences – intrusive thoughts, memories of traumatic events invading my consciousness at the most inconvenient times. I read and identified with accounts of post-traumatic stress disorder (which can affect survivors of sexual abuse), but like you, felt weird about the thought of being diagnosed. My belief is that when traumatic events happen, we cannot feel stuff in response to them at the time because we are consumed with surviving that moment – that’s why stuff from the past haunts us many years later in ways that feel so random and out of our control. I’ve been seeing a gestalt psychotherapist for almost a year now, working on feeling stuff in response to things that happened in the past, as well as being more switched on to my feelings in the present; this has really helped me.