I'm not going to do any catching up here. Lots of stuff has happened and I don't have the energy to record all of it.

I had a dream last night. A sex dream. I had been trying to fantasize when I was falling asleep, but it only half worked. Maybe not even half. And then when I fell asleep I dreamed about an acquaintance. I was sort of femmey, I think. And it was sexual, but not straight up sex.

Suddenly I keep thinking about going back to femme. Except I don't want long hair. And lacy thong underwear is reall unappealing. Maybe I could be a new sort of femme. Mostly the issue is in trying to find someone I'm attracted to who might conceivably be attracted to me and leave some possibility for sex at some point. I'm going to try on some femmy clothes of my mother's. We'll see how it goes. I'll report back. Maybe try some of her makeup too? It's all so weird. I can't really imagine myself in a suit at the moment. Maybe if I could bind in this weather it would be different. I just can't imagine myself without my breasts right now. I mean, I still hate them. I just can't get around the pain and discomfort of them being attached. I've worked so hard at battling them and I guess I'm giving up for the moment. Maybe with a little luck it'll turn into radical acceptance. They just need the right sort of outfitting. I don't like the tight cleavagy shirts. I don't really like the way they look in button-down shirt. Maybe if I could find one designed for breasts. And large ones at that. Or I might go back to tanktops. I just hate how obvious they are in any of the above. Bringing me back to my original point: I wish they weren't there. Maybe not being there at all is trying to run to the other extreme. I should seriously considering a B cup or so. That would allow for proper suits, with mild binding if needed. And still leave a female sort of body to relate to and to attract men. Maybe I'd even settle for a C cup. I think I need to feel up some of my friends. Or at least some bras in a store. Get an idea for how big they are.

Good night for now. Dress-up and then bedtime.

Update edit:
I tried on the clothes and looked in the mirror. They were nice clothes, I'm pretty sure. I mean, they would have looked good on me. It was horrible. I felt like an awkward boy in a skirt. Uncomfortable. On second thought, a suit would be just perfect. And teeshirts or polos for everyday. And the pants I've already been wearing. For a second there I was thinking of shaving my legs again, as badly as that went the last time. I felt so naked and bare. I wanted to cover up my legs until it grew back.

But I guess all of this was started by a sex dream, so let's see what tonight has in store for me....