I have talked about her to my therapist for the whole hour today. How it wasn't all my fault like I've thought. How I am not clingy or codependent. Just sensitive. And how she did not always treat me respectfully. I'm really glad I'm finally recovering myself as an independent person, and I'm able to be angry, and detached and see her not as perfect or the only person I'll ever love as much but.. as a person, who has many qualities, but who did hurt me, many times. tremendously.

I really think I have never loved anyone more fully than I have loved her. Katarzyna, I loved her deeply, unconditionally, to death, but never physically. I loved her so much, for the past six months. I was in such awe. I thought once, when she was sick, and I was sitting on the bathroom floor near her, that, if she needed me, I could do this for ever. If she was sick, I could spend months, years taking care of her, and never being impatient for one second, because there would be never be something as right to do anywhere than to support her. I have found her so perfectly beautiful. I have been fascinated by her mind. her sense of responsibility and dedication has given me hope and direction in the world. She has transformed me in many ways.

I told my therapist that it was very very painful for me to feel that I wasn't good enough again, and especially that I wasn't attractive enough, or that I didn't fit some standard, physical or other, for the person I admire so much. Because the potentiality of what could have happened if, if, if, that love had been mutual, would have been limitless, explosive. Even dangerously so. I could have given up everything.

And still, I didn't need much.  I didn't demand much. A look of acknowledgement when I enter a room she's in. Not being completely distanced in public as though we weren't even friends. Communication about my shortcomings. Communication about her needs to detach herself for several days/weeks, so that I didn't wonder what I had done wrong. Not promising that winter together, that we'll-live-together-and-support-each-other thgouh the winter, to turnaround later to i'm better without you, and leave me with the responsibility of the others. Not avoid the conversationsI was trying to have. Enquire about me, when I'm sick. those two weeks of empty house. Don't lie about you and her and then deny it again, when absolutely everyone else knows.  don't come to me only when you need me or you have no one else. talk to me. a few sentences about why would have let me accept all these things. But maybe it's better. those horrible weeks in october, I don't know how I survived them. yes, I know. Because I had supportive friends. But I was treated like shit, for a minute there. And the worst part is that my paranoiac self thought it was my fault. But it wasn't and now I'm getting all of this out of me, all of this garbage and that rage and thank god I have the pride and self-respect and self-love to say no, you will not do this to me again.

I loved her so much.