down and up and down again
Submitted by saudade e beleza on Sat, 09/15/2007 - 11:14pmi've often felt that writing down my life day-by-day helps keep things in perspective. it's one of the draws of blogging for me. the cycles of my life often keep me from writing when i need to most, but i'm working with it.
last night ben and i went downstairs and had dinner with lane & bee and started watching everything is illuminated. bee had said, "it's a great movie, very funny." i'll agree it's a good movie, but kids...this is not a comedy. LOL about halfway through, ben and i caught each other rolling cigarettes at the same time and grinned and asked for an intermission. we got out onto the front porch and he said, "how ya likin' the movie?" "well.....," i started. "not really a comedy, is it?" he said, and we broke up laughing. i ended up coming upstairs shortly after that smoke break - i'd said before the movie that i didn't know if i'd be into sitting still for a whole movie.
i came up, checked in on the roll call thread for the day, and danced a bit to some good music. i hadn't slept the night before, and with the intensity of yesterday i was just exhausted, so i went to bed even though it wasn't quite 10pm. ben came up to bed at some point, not sure what time it was.
we slept until about 9:30, and i once again had no rape-related nightmares, though my unremembered dreams must have been somewhat upsetting, because i was restless all night and woke up feeling unrested. ben biked to the health food store where i work. it's just a couple of blocks away, and we like to sit at the picnic table near the community garden in the backyard and drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, read, write, play guitar, talk to friends, etc. i checked in at roll call, showered, and went up there myself. hung out for a while, journalling, drinking coffee, smoking, visiting with friends and telling them thank you for loving me and being part of my life. it was a pretty lovely morning.
at around noon, an old friend of mine showed up. we've been friends for about 13 years, and were the very closest of friends for most of that time, but started drifting apart 4 years or so ago. we finally both figured out how to accept our relationship as it is, letting it flow. the result is that we see each other every few months, hang out and talk for hours catching each other up, and then have minimal contact between times. it's odd, but it works for us right now. she did her shopping and i rode my bike home and locked it up, and she picked me up to go back across town to her place. we hung out for a few hours, catching up and all, then went with her two daughters to eat lunch, and then they brought me back home.
i got a little down time (checking the roll call thread!) and then called bee to come up. she cleans my apartment in exchange for a massage, and it was time for me to pay up. :) while i was working on her, ben came in and hung out a while, until ashtree and guthrie came by. she and ben went down into the basement to build a bike for her to ride. guthrie was asleep in her sling, so she left him sleeping on my bed. i laid down beside him with my book and we had a lovely time together before he woke up and needed to nurse.
the past three hours since then i've spent either hanging out alone in my apartment (for a little while) or sitting on the front porch with ben and my neighbors and my friends. front porch revival is a favorite pastime here :)
ashtree talked to me this afternoon about being attracted to ben. it was a joy to be able to say, without reservation, "i feel absolutely no possession when it comes to him. i want him to be free to love whoever he loves." i know that he used to have a crush on her; he's told me that. and his smile when he sees her is bright and happy.
so why, right now, when he is walking around town with her and a couple of our other friends, am i sitting in my house with my face burning and my head swimming with jealousy? jealousy is not something i've often felt since i got out of my marriage and rejected primary relationships. compersion is one of my favorite feelings, very close to NRE as favorites go, in fact. but.......
he hasn't made love to me in months. he hasn't really kissed me in months. (he kisses me at least once most days, but it's the sort of quick, gentle kiss on closed lips that i share with lots of friends.) he has barely even touched me in months. i have let myself be pretty convinced that this is because of his depression, because if i don't believe that, then it must be about me, and i'm really not able to deal with the possibility that i just suddenly, one day out of nowhere, became completely unattractive to him physically. but if he starts a relationship with her and our sex life is still on hold, that is going to destroy me.
so. ugh. this is a shitty way to feel and a shitty place to be in. while i was downstairs hanging out with the neighbors before i came up to write this post, i felt myself start sliding from the happy-to-be-alive-today feeling i'd had all day into sadness and then i felt it solidify into this jealousy. but behind the jealousy, of course, is my insecurity: is he really feeling nonsexual, generally, or is he just not interested in sex with me?
i want to cut. i've been hesitant to cut for a while now because i've been feeling so close to wanting to die, i'm afraid it could go too far, and that is not how i want it to happen.
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