August 18, 2008

Waking dreams. A topic I've been sharing lately, so far just with ears not eyes. I've had three in the past month. I'll share what they are and what I think they mean, because meaning is what I'm searching for out here.

The first dream takes place after a Unitarian Universalist conference I attended. I was a teen counselor there. The day I got back, the dream happens. The dream starts as a drug dream. Fantasies about things that I think make me happy. It's sort of a flashback. I drink a tbeer, take two perkasets, and a few klonapin and pass out wit a smile on my face. So half-way through my euphoric recall session, I take a step baack and fight it. It's like I'm grappling with that demon all over again. Really I am. It's one battle that will unfortunately never end. We'll just hope for a truce for the time being.

A conversation starts between two sides of myself. The side that wants to give in pleads a simple case. I want. I need, a stronger argument thatn you might guess. But I'm here to judge, to analyze what lies beyond that.

The conversation is a dialectic on the subject of self versus selfless. Selfishness versus selflessness. Now when I speak of selfishness, I don't mean it in the classic sense of the word. There is a deeper unique interpretation that I've come to understand. Selfishness is not malevolent like we think it is. What makes it dangerous is that lack of malevolence. Selfishness is a trap. The complete lack of thought about the outside world creates a black hole. Let's place the self on a gradient. Beyond self we have family. Beyond that comes community, then society, ecosystem, biome, and so on until reach everything, the universe, infinity, something completely incomprehensible.

So How does this relate to my addiction? When I was using, I was killing myself every day, quicker and quicker.

If life is a seb, then when one string is tugged everything feels it. If I hurt others, destroy my environment, then I cannot sustain myself for then I fall too. Similarly, if I destroy myself. Those around me suffer, because we all depend on each other.

Addiction is a black hole. A tear in the fabric of the universe, the weave of the web of life. My suffering spreads and as I retreat inside, from my family, my community, the universe, all of these are pulled inward with me. Selfishness.

If, on the other hand I strengthen myself. If I treat my body and mind as a temple, if I love life and live love, that same extension of myself that pulled inward with negativity spreads outward with positivity and love.

What I had rejected through my suffering, faith, hope and love, I experience and receive. Some might say that is selflessness, but it is not. What I'm describing is not the classical defenition of selflessness either. What I'm describing is not the rejection of self, but the rejection of self as a legitimate entity. What it means to me is the realization that self is actually indistinguishable from everything. The infinite nature of the web of existence we call the universe.

The morning after (and this part is real), a man walks into a Unitarian Universalist church in Knoxville Tennessee, pulls a shotgun out of a guitar case and shoots and kills twop eople at a children's play. One man, an eighty three year old life long member of the church, steps in front of a shotgun blast and dies immediately. I felt like I had lost part of myself. In fact, I h ad, because it effects everyone whether they know it or not.

The shooter's reason for doing it was because he lost his food stamps and blamed gays and liberals. He spread that loss by stealing life.

Yet the man who sacrificed himself to save others gave self away. His selflessness saved what we call the web of life and defeated the selfishness of hate. Love can conquer hate, but hate cannot conquer love. But that's another conversation.

* * * * *

The second waking dream took place two days before I left for Denver. It involves power versus powerlessness. Action versus inaction. Denial versus acceptance.

Two weeks ago, Russia invaded Georgia in a manner reminiscent of the cold war. The United States of course denounces it. John McCain is quoted as saying, "in the twenty first century nations do not invade other nations." Condaleeza Rice demands the immediate withdrawal of all Russian troops from Georgia.

I used to cry when I read about senseless violence in the newspapers. After a while, my sadness turned to anger. I felt helpless against the brutality in the world and responded to the feeling with inaction and self paralyzation, which further fed my feelings of helplessness.

My dream about the situation grew darker and darker. I felt the situation of impending doom closing in around me. I felt like I could die any day (which is actually a certainty) and feared it.

What I started to realize as the rising sun brought me to consciousness (alleghory of the cave anyone?) is that all of this meaningless destruction can still bring something positive.

Recent life events have brought some very enlightening and humbling experiences. I've learned that there are certain things in the world that I am powerless against. This includes most things in the major newspapers. This includes death. It will come and could come at any time, any place. I can postpone death but not prevent it.

So the question that this brings up is what life means at the end. Is death senseless? Or does it serve a purpose. I believe the latter.

At the end, no matter how brutal and seemingly senseless my death is, what will make my existence meaningful, and I don't mean in a looking back on my life or a being remembered sense, is how much love and beauty I brought to the world, because that has a lasting impression no matter who notices. My life will contribute to the scheme of things no matter what I do or accomplish, and my desire is to help others, which relates back to my conversation on self.

* * * * *

The third dream happened two nights ago. It's simple and the message obvious after I noticed it.

I'm at a farm I used to work on, but I'm not working anymore. I'm younger. There's a large swing. I sit on it and the ride begins. The radius of the swing is forty feet or so. I'm strapped in but terrified. I white knuckle the chains and every muscle in my body is tense. After one revolution I see the people on the ground calm and relaxed. I realize that I am in no less danger than they are at that moment. I am safe in the swing and my stress and fear does nothing to change the situation. So I relaxe and meditate. I sit in the swing calmly with my chakras in line and my back straight up and down.

* * * * *

These events all have something to do with why I am here in Denver trying to protest the Democratic National convention.

The first dream tells me that what I do effects everything around me, even if I don't know it. And that living for myself is living for others and vice versus.

The second dream tells me whether I feel I will dramatically alter the course of events or not, what matters is how I live my life and what i bring to who I interact with on the large and small scale.

The third dream tells me about God in one sense of the word. It tells me about death and what I have control over. I trust that my life is in God's hands and that if I turn my will over to it that my life will be worth living. In the face of danger I can still remain calm.

This is what I'm trying to apply to my life for this convention and beyond. This is who I want to be and what I want to strive for.