All this time while I was thinking about this today, I was trying to ask God for guidance. I've done my third step and made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the god of my understanding. I'm trying to keep this up so that I won't feel so lost and alone.

Maybe I'm overreacting

 I

Wednesday January 24, 2004

 I'm fucking pathetic, i dont even try to do my work anymore. I sit around sometimes in front of the computer trying to get started but usually I just dont even attempt it. I dont even bother anymore. I dont put myself through the torture of doing it. I have no inhibitions to not doing my work anymore so everytime i try it's as hard as it will ever be. I just dont care. I'll probably end up a hobo. which is infintely better than living with my parents. They finally decided to give up on me, well no, my mom did spend 12,000 dollars on an education for me. And if I dont do this exhibition that was due today i could get kicked out. After one quarter. I'm a fucking waste of potential. Maybe my potential was to not fulfill itself in the first place. I dont know. Fuck it.

I didn’t think I was an alcoholic either when I came into the program. Alcohol wasn’t my drug of choice, and it wasn’t one that I abused all that much. In fact it was one of the drugs that I was proud of being able to turn down. I bragged when I saw people whose main addictions were either weed or alcohol that those were the ones I could pass on, like that made me cool or something.

Allright. I guess I'll update this thing. Three entries in a month? That's a lot right? Not so much. Gratitude is my favorite feeling, because it's one that I never bothered to acknowledge before my sobriety. It's beyond just "I'm alive" today too. That's a great gift too, but sometimes I want more than being alive.

It's... really nice not rushing into things and feeling the pressure. That's something I haven't had in my previous relationships. On the car ride home, we talked and shared about some things we like about each other. Walked in the door to my apartment and turned up the heat because it was cold. Got a blanket and gave her my journal from my trip and turned on some music! Music is always good. Always. 

The conversation is a dialectic on the subject of self versus selfless. Selfishness versus selflessness. Now when I speak of selfishness, I don't mean it in the classic sense of the word. There is a deeper unique interpretation that I've come to understand. Selfishness is not malevolent like we think it is. What makes it dangerous is that lack of malevolence. Selfishness is a trap. The complete lack of thought about the outside world creates a black hole. Let's place the self on a gradient. Beyond self we have family. Beyond that comes community, then society, ecosystem, biome, and so on until reach everything, the universe, infinity, something completely incomprehensible.