They don't understand I'd guess unless they were inside my brain...

It all started with six months sober, and four months of a depression I can't even begin to explain. The walls crowding around me, my skin tearing from the tendens. A bash of rashing emotions, something I'd equal to a flash fload, only lasting months at a time and talking to you. Like, little devilish green men inside your brain telling you to off yourself for no "appearent" reason, except that it's really the only way. Fuck that. Logically I am intelligent, not always brilliant, whitty, well written, or even well put together.. But I can't care about those things in bouts like these.

Getting back on topic, so I see a doctor because I start to get dangerously close to offing myself. Bipolar is the verdict. Lovely. Fabulously lovely. We start with Lithium, Resperidone, and Lamictal. (sp? I'm sorry, whirling too much to focus on sp.) Yeah, those worked well. For about 9 days. Day 9, the flesh eating rash less than 3% of Bipolar patients encounter? Yeah, that's me. All over my body. I freak of course. Med-canceled. Onto Lorazepam. Seemingly effective for what might have been 4 weeks. Then, depression. Yup, all of those crazy thoughts, the little assholish green men, back. What to do? Add more Risperidone of course! Nighttime comes easily, and rest is like the dead. No dreams. Barely waking up. And several hours of zombie like tendencies. This works, 2 weeks. If you can't tell already, I am a light weight. Meds that are supposed to take 2 weeks to feel, take me less than 24 hrs. Am I crazy? Possibly. But I swear I am rocketed around with these things! Depression strikes again, this time.. worse than before because well, I have no shield and a clear brain (meaning, previously, no little green fuckers.) So, we add Wellbutrin. Now, we are up to date.

Today, I AM GOING TO TEAR MY HAIR OFF, but only because I am crawling out of my skin. My mind is racing faster than I am seriously thinking a race car goes... Which may be why they use that term. But it's only day 2! I am feeling the effects. Definitely NO depression, and based on my previous experience, I need to wait 2 weeks to know if its going to work or not. But WHAT DO I DO if its like this the whole time? I feel like I am on speed. Fully tweaked. Full shaking potential. I sort of feel like an emotional basketcase, without any release of emotion. So perhaps a better description would be a balloon continuing to fill up and is just sort of a nice large explosion! I am sure I am over the top right now, and when I read this later I will look back and really doubt my sanity. Hell, I am doubting my sanity now. Anybody relate? 

You know what's crazy? While this is over the top, it is much better than without meds. At least, so far I believe that. I am committed to staying on meds for at least 6 months once I am at levels and meds that do work for me. I am happy in the midst of all of this. Scared, emotional, and of course up and down, but happy and hopeful for the first time that I can remember.

So, I am new to this site, and brand new to medication and a bipolar diagnosis, though it has been very appearent since I was 13. I have been struggling alone for so many years, and while the meds are difficult, I am finally understanding why I have been so different and in so much pain for so long.

Right. Okay.. Share over.

 

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