So, I had written a bunch about how I'm all for full disclosure and I'm going to start blogging in a place that's attached to my social circle where people know who I am in the real world. But here I am. Why? Because I'm really tempted to smoke tonight. I'm a little sick, but totally at ease mentally. It's not a coping mechanism because there's nothing I'm running away from. I'm at peace with my thoughts. I just thought it might be enjoyable. Like a glass of wine with dinner. Except that a glass of wine would make me want to drink more and then leave me depressed. A little pot wouldn't do that.

So why not? Because I've got these issues around substances. Honestly? I miss being an alcoholic. I miss not having to be bored and having stupid intoxicated friends around all of the time. And I know that's bad. Because that leads to a lot of pain that I'm not able to entirely remember or concentrate on right now. You know, this is helping a little. There's just something about Craig Ferguson that drags me back to that fantasy. He talks about his days with all of the humorous glee that I sometimes feel. It's got this magnifying effect. And especially now that I'm thinking about reading his book, which is full of his days as an alcoholic and drug user.

It all brings me to this moment, on a Saturday night. And a water pipe I've never used...And no friends in the area. And a bunch of recovering addicts that I'll see on Tuesday. And the fact that if I do smoke I'll have to decide whether to tell group and deal with questions or not tell and deal with withholding. I wouldn't mind that, actually. I wouldn't necessarily feel like I was withholding. But I do want a chance to discuss this stuff in group. And discussing it without mentioning that I smoked would definitely be classified as withholding. So I guess that means no smoking tonight. In fact, it means no smoking until after I discuss this in group. Which is probably better. There are lots of things I need to say out loud and figure out on the subject that have only come up recently. And Jon might actually be a good receiver for that kind of discussion. He's the addiction guy, I think.

Okay, Icarus, thanks for the talk. Not that you did much talking.