So I sent an email  to a friend of mine who I have been quite angry at for some time now. I finally told him why I was so angry. He read it. I doubt he will respond. I am not sure I am justified in my anger, I only feel it. Right in the middle of everyone just sort of "disapearing" in my life, he confirms all my worst fears. It's complicated, but couldn't he have just told me he didn't want to see me when I asked to see him. Then that could have just taken care of that right there. Less tortuous. But he had to pretend he wanted to see me first then diss me in a non chalant way that left me feeling like a piece of shit. And there was never any space for me to respond, so I didn't. And he's always telling me things and then never following through. Like he wants to pretend he cares about me but when it comes down to it he really never did. Like he just likes to string me along. Trouble is he is one of the most gentle men I have ever met and it is quite difficult to be angry at him. But I am. And I told him. And I decided it didn't matter what he chose to do with that. If he was going to go away too....then I'm ok with that.

I'm starting over again. It seems that this is a pattern for me. Starting over. I long for things to last. But that is the nature of the world. Things go. And I have to let them go. Nothing stays forever. That's just how it works. Oh I ish this pain could be experienced as something beautiful, like music, or a sunset. It would be the most beautiful music that exists. That's how much it hurts right now. too bad I never learned how to play the guitar.