I have been rediscovering myself as a sexual being lately. I have recognized that the first twenty years of my lifehave worked to make me into an ethereal, bodiless person.

Due to:

my inability to explore relationships in middle and high school due to the family tragedies and the impossibility to leave the family nucleus without committing High Treason.

My father's remnants of his jesuit education and his unhealthy puritan patriarchal view of sex.

People's propensity to think of me as an innocent little girl, because of the way I look and sound.

It's a vicious cycle that defined my sexual identity from the outside, without leaving me the possibility to explore and find myself as a sexual being. I am reclaiming that now, in the most radical sense. Even though it's more of an intellectual and emotional exploration and the irony is that I don't need anyone. Though I will at some point ;)

It's hard to be in YS without the possibility to have concrete experiences to respond to all of this. It's hard to be in love in a way that seems endless, despite the knowledge from the very start that it will remain silent and dead ended. I'm a little like a tree with no branches.

I've also recognized that the intense passions that I've had for Anneline, Anna and Katarzyna, have indeed been love, in the more concrete, full sense. The fact that I never thought anything bodily was involved is a reflection of the deeply engrained belief that ethereal passions were in some sort of superior plane, way above the mundane fleshes etcaetera. I'm cured of that now too.

I do make progress. It's never enough to keep up with my life, though.

I remember K. (and call to you across the sky)