Lots of people have been giving me plenty of advice on how to treat my depression. And they all seem to believe that if only I did one particular thing, I'd have the momentum to start fixing everything else.

I know I should exercise (I do, but I hate going to the gym, very triggering), I know I should eat better (I can barely work up the appetite to eat anything), I know I should try to meet people (I'm doing my best to go to events), I know I should have a more structured life (except that nothing is appealing enough to commit to), I know I should sleep through the night (not really under my control, but I work at it).

I'm not stupid. I'm not lazy. I'm in pain and I've been working really hard to find a way out of being in pain. I've tried lots and lots of things. I've done my best, I really have. Sometimes I get tired and give up, but I always try again.

Am I being naive in thinking that maybe if I fixed my meds first, then all of these things would be easier? If I had meds that helped, I might have the peace of mind to sleep through the night, the slight amount of confidence to talk to other people. Hell, I might just have some interest in doing something. Getting my sex drive back would be a great start. But instead, I just get life advice and the occasional suggestion to increase my dose again.

I was going to make this into a post and end it with a question, but in writing it out, I've realized I know what I want to do. I'm going to write an email to my scary-as-fuck frigid German psychiatrist and tell her that I want to change my medications. I'm going to stand up to her and take some fucking initiative. Exercise and sunlight are just not going to cut it. I'm going to try some better living through chemistry.

God, I feel better than I have in ages. Fuck these people. Fuck the useless group things and therapists and shit. My psychologist is actually wonderful. So he's my ally in all of this. But besides that, I'm going to start shaping the system to what I think I need instead of getting pushed from one place to another.