I am pretty depressed, I was just dismissed from my MICA/Partial Hospitalization program for lack of attendance and tardiness.  I know I deserve this because I mean, let's get real--I was missing a lot of groups and didn't seem to care, but the truth is that I was simply too down to get there, I can though reapply and will.  I am not on any medications and I am definitely depressed.  This really sucks, it really, really does.  I know there is hope for me, but the truth is that I also know I have to be in that program right now, I suppose it is what will work well for me.  I have a slew of issues that I have to deal with.  I took a break from school and decided to seek help full-time.  I felt that although maybe it was possible for me to move on without help, who am I kidding, lol, I was pretty screwed up...I needed help and I left my dorm and came home and went to a program after a long ass binge :(......I am dually diagnosed....and it sucks!Well, sometimes, that's why I'm here and that's why I chose this name, brilliantlymad33, because I know that there is so much more than pain to these states of conciousness I experience.  I need help, I need community, but I am afraid to seek it out most of the time.  Here's the truth:I'm really broke, living probably well below the poverty line and I know I can change that, because I'm definitely intelligent enough, but I am just not well enough.  I can get medical assistance from the state that covers my medications and some relatively good treatment ( I actually feel blessed because I've been working with great, intelligent, caring people who really wish to help if I just "show up").  Showing up is a problem for me.  This illness, this life, these issues, whatever you want to call them or it have had me in a "vicious cycle"--I dream, great dreams and the know-how is there, it's been measured, demonstrated, evaluated, etc., etc., but it seems that I have not yet been stable long enough to "follow-through" with all of my plans.  This kills me.  It hurts so badly.  I feel like that person I've always imagined was "crazy", the one who lives in a "privately defined world" that only exists in their own head.  I don't want to be that person.  What I am going through is real and it's substansial, just because others can't (perhaps no one on Earth), understand it, doesn't mean it's any less real.  The Icarus Project has been speaking volumes to me with this talk of a "new language"....I need that new language...I want to help create it, or share it rather, because "their" language doesn't make much sense to me.  It's cliche', it's stigmatized, it has a history that echoes deep within me, back to the days when I was 10 and was always late for school and didn't move in my seat, didn't care, when I'd go off to a place where I was okay and I was liked and I was free--where I wasn't the strange, crazy little girl.The weirdo, creepo, lazy one. The one who needed "help".I am not a mess, I am not some thing that needs to be altered and changed and supressed, I am not.  I am so beautiful, with the highs and lows, I don't knwo if I would ever trade the states of conciousness I've experienced...the clarity, that oneness with God and the Universe, feeling the vibrations of everything that is and ever was or will be in harmony though every fiber of my being.  The stillness of just being and just knowing all that ever was.Is that madness?Is it madness to know God that way?To have gone to that place that was a miracle to dwell in?I don't know.  I don't know  what madness is, maybe it's because I don't know what normal is.  My normal is intense, filled, sometimes empty and hollow, just for alittle while.  I suppose this kind of existence could suffice if I were to "be a monk in the mountains of Italy" as someone once said to me....is that it?is that my only choice?To be secluded, hide and exist only where those who seek God full-time should be?I guess not....I guess another choice is to become a part of the system..............hide behind these labels my whole life....or maybe just for a little while until I'm strong enough to fight the powers that be, so that I can make a difference somehow..........well I know how, very well, in detail how I would like to make a difference, but it seems that I just haven't exorcised my strengths, the one that lies deep within....the one only few see...the one that comes out late at night, when the world sleeps and there are piles of open, flipped-through books all over my room, when my breathing speeds up and I need just be still..for if I really indulge in the greatness of the connection of the moment my head might just burst.  We make a difference slowly I believe.  I thought to seek help, to get stabilized, succumb and adhere to the rules of society when I saw that I really wanted what "they" had, but I remember what I have, what I've had, what lies deep within the vessel,this body I exist in and I want to share it with "them".The only way for me to do that is to get well enough for them to believe that what I share has value.  That I'm not just crazy, that it's really real and it's really happening.  I fell in love with madness if you wish to call it that and I don't know if I am ready to let her go.  It feels like death to me, like a part of me is dying when I think about "changing".  I think the pain comes from mourning the death of the girl, the young woman I was and am.  If she dies who will I be?I don't want to lose myself, my thoughts, my beauty.  Why can't I just be accepted the way I am?Why is it so wrong to dream?Maybe it's not.Maybe what's so wrong is to dream and keep my dreams all to myself.That's the sin.To keep it all inside and I think if I don't let that silent one die, then the screaming one inside will and it will be as if I never was.

I need community, hit me up, let's talk, I think I really am finally ready to face all of this and I don't believe I have to do it alone:)