So last night I am talking to my flick. He informs me that he is going to hang out with the gang or the crew, not quite sure what terminology he used. Anyways as soon as he said it this visceral pain starts in my chest.

 

I used to be part of a something.

 

We were the pink ladies, oh and how unstoppable we were. We did what we wanted when and where and didn’t give a fuck most of the time. I was me and I had my own little place in the group. We each had a role you know? And some how we all fit. Slowly we grew apart. It happens, so be it. But we made a point to all hang out on my birthday and a few other occasions.

 

It was cool, even when I couldn't hang out I still got an invitation. It was like we are including you whether you like it or not. I was part of that you know? I remember being huge and pregnant and P. calling me to go to a costume party, she knew chances were I would NOT want to go but she wanted me to know I was thought of. The invitation was there.

 

I don’t have that anymore. Sure I talk to the pink ladies, but honestly, I can’t do the things they do anymore, as much I would like to its not a part of my life. SO here I am stuck in this new situation with new friends and new play places and I feel….alone.

 

I want a group, I want friends to laugh with, friends to go to in tough times, I want friends grow with. I want this all and I want them to be in recovery. I know I am mom and a lot of time I think people forget that I AM STILL ME. I am fucking 20 years old I want to hang out with friends I want to be invited places, even if I cant go. I want to have close friends, and be part of the “gang” or the “crew”, you probably think I sound ridiculous but honestly? I need fucking people. Bottom line.

 

It just struck a cord I guess, I don’t have that anymore. A lot of people in the program say they feel like they fit in the programs, and for awhile sure I felt accepted but I don’t feel like I fit. Maybe I am just too different to fit.