it's funny, i've been involved with icarus starting on my fourth year and this is the first time i'm using the "blog" feature...

maybe because now my life feels in complete flux i'm looking to grasp on to the community that has essentially been my best friend since i moved to new york.

sometimes i think i've come a long way since i first moved here.  in fact, i know i have.  i'm no longer wracked with compulsions and self-questioning.  no longer the numbing, dissociating, self-destructive individual i cycled through.  i have the scars to show for my journey, but they've long since healed.

i've learned the value of boundaries, and even how to implement them.  i can say "no" now without a moment's hesitation.  it's a nice feeling.  but then, what are the constants.  what remains of the struggle?  i have not lost the mad spark that keeps me coming back to icarus.  keeps me in a state of equally mixed happiness and sadness.  

post-graduation, internship, job prospects, and now on the cusp of graduate school interviews and acceptances, there is plenty of idle time to take self-inventory...  maybe too much idle time.

my therapist pointed out something interesting in our last session - about the role i have in co-creating situations that keep me in a familiar state - a chaotic state, i've identified.  i can't deny that the impending interviews, acceptances, probable termination of my long-term relationship, move to god-knows-where, and embarkation on a new and unknown life have me reeling.  questioning, who am i?

rigid moral lines, discipline, high levels of compassion, empathy, they've gotten me far.  but now i feel as if i'm at the bottom of a dark abyss.

the year has been wonderful and awful.  losing the shroud of interpersonal innocence...saying goodbye to my closest friends in one way or another...hayden, lauren, todd, carey, drew, jesse, tara, annie...well, goodbye, hello, goodbye, and hello again with that one.

i don't know just what to say.

i don't cut anymore.  i've reassessed my stance on all self-destructive elements:  drugs, people, demeanors.  and yet?

the annie question is a heavy one.  i don't know how two people make it through so much.  it is undeniable that there is something more to that relationship than bounds mere human interactions.  i've never felt a stronger pull.  yet, here we are, muddled and messy, as per usual.

josefina has really been the light in my life this past year and a half.  she has been so indispensable, it hurts.  there have been ups and downs that have left and still do leave me reeling.  i almost don't know how we could be more different.  but i imagine i will ALWAYS want to squeeze that girl.  future disconnects leave me broken-hearted despite logic.

gender.  GENDER.  i've lost it.  and i don't miss it.  often, i wish its lack was more apparent.  i hate this goddamn chest.  and don't love the hips either.  i like this new(ish) found space i get to exist in.  i wish it didn't distress and confuse everyone else.

grad school --  it's both enlivening me and frightening me.  pros and cons, order of appeal:  northeastern, smith, northwestern, nyu, cuny, columbia.

Anyways, this is enough rambling.  have the north's interviews in a couple weeks.  anxious.