I'm starting to feel myself going down now. I think I'll start keeping track of this. I'm not sure when the up started, but I know I started posting on Icarus Feb. 8th 2007 and I was still up then; although it was more like hypomanic?/mixed states. I was needing less sleep; planning new activities (applying to return to college in the fall); reading on the Internet incessantly; waking in the middle of the night; feeling confident, but yet fearful knowing that I will become depressed again and have severe problems relating to people; yet I was also extremely tearful, in what I felt was a healthy way – experiencing long needed emotional release and getting back in touch with various aspects of myself that were lost; oh, and overtired and irritable.

For some reason these beautiful spring days often send me into a depression. I have to be very careful with that. I think it might remind me of the contrast of who I thought I was as an attractive young woman, to who I am now as a disabled, overweight, not very desirable middle-aged person. It also reminds me of how little I have accomplished in life. It reminds me of all of the people that don’t feel such an emotional burden and how they are able to so light-heartedly enjoy a beautiful spring day and that contrasts with my troubled soul in a way that makes more poignant how different I am. Sometimes I am able to catch the spirit and gleam with the new season. It usually requires I get off of the computer and spend much more time outside.  I guess that is what I will have to start doing.

Added: Just to note, my menstruation came March 15th. I'm noting this beacause I'm interested in how this relates to my ups and downs.