2011 - Knock em sock em!
Submitted by Awen on Tue, 01/04/2011 - 9:11pmHi everybody! I have missed you. How were your holidays? Even if you don't celebrate, the fact that everything is disrupted makes it a weird non-time. I hope you took good care of yourself and loved yourself.
I'd like to hear how everyone is.
I have been doing a blog http://tidesturner.blogspot.com/ about my adventures as an animist. An organization Earth Medicine Alliance asked me if I have book out yet and if I teach! I've been writing about the land having PTSD and ecopsychology and stuff like that, along with the difficulties of cultural appropriation and NuAge commercialization and being in a culture totally focused on the individual. I also talk abotu my issues with Buddhism and my Buddhist fanatic Uncle replies. This is a big step for me - I fear upsetting family, and for me to say the problems I have with Buddhism in a forum where he can read them is really a huge step for me. I really believe that a lot of the craziness of humans now is we have forgotten we are animals, we belong here, we are part of nature, we are in relationship with zillions of other-than-human persons (some humans don't seem to know they are in relationship with ANY humans even), and a lot of our isolation and crazy pain is from being exiled from Mom Earth, and knowing we are in the superorganism Gaia. Neopagans don't like me because I say stuff like "Why are we using plastic cups in an earth healing ritual?" so this holiday season I stopped trying to be in that scene. Feels good to let that go. I read a lot of science and honestly would choose science over religion anyday, it is much more miraclous to me.
I also am considering a full hysterectomy. The 4 days not on Yaz so I can menstruate is too dangerous, I cannot go to the E/R suicidal each time. This last time I blitzed myslef on ativan - I was wasted but my Mom was scared I would kill myself. My thinking is too crazy. They have wanted to do a hysterectomy for a while and I think I have to.
I cannot get breast reduction surgery - I weigh too much. I have been gaining weight I think feeling I deserve to eat whatever I want because my life sucks, I'll tell myself I gave up drugs and smoking, I go to therapy, I am totally lonely, etc and then pig out and not care, I don't want to ever risk a relationship again anyway. Now that I have chronic pain in my back neck and knees, I have to lose weight. I am scared, I have issues with food. Giving up drugs and even ciagerttes wasn't that hard for me. I can get self justifying - It's the doctors' faults that I weigh this much - they drugged me. But I am 39 and I am in daily severe pain. I had X rays today and the physical therapist cannot see me for two months (love hick living). I found where the OA meetings are and am going to try them - I do feel powerless over this, so I hope OA helps. I have been wanting to eat the ultrametabolism way for a while but always felt I was emotionally not in the right place - the same excuse people use with smokingor drinking. Astrologically Jan 14 is a good day for me to start this, so there I go. I am scared of what emotions will come up.
But ACT has really been helping me. I never had a therapy help me. I have been working on my values so that they "drive the bus" not the PTSD. I realized i have one huge goal/fear: I want to always have a place to live where I don't have to have sex with someone to be there. I realized that that is a pretty weird thing to worry about all the time, and my Mom and I are meeting with a lawyer about her will and stuff. Most of my values seem to be about not having to lie anymore to be safe. As I move in the dicrection of my values, the PTSD comes back, but I can acknowledge it and keep driving the bus. I am getting a lot better at noticing what is going on inside, but not engaging with it, not being hooked into letting the PTSD take over. I am really amazed at the changes - my Mom is too. ACT is shockingly helpful for me.
I am also going to try to get a PTSD therapy dog. They have dogs trained to help people with PTSD panic disorder and depression that are bona fide service animals and veterans are doing really well with them. They help a lot with agoriphobia and being in the present and feeling safe. So I want one. Well Mom suggested it and I always say no to anything for me that isn't bare essentials, but then I realized i need to start really being more selfish. If they cost money, I am going to see if Mom's work will help.
And on that issue, the church where my Mom recently became priest actually doesn't have any money so mom has to find a new job and I'll be moving within the year. We're happy about it - this is the area where she grew up and she's having a lot of flashbacks - as a priest she has to go visit people in the hospital her mom died in when she was 2 and the parking lot of which she was molested in. She has a long history of sexual and phsyical and emotional abuse here and she wants to leave, it's too depressing. And her cat died of cancer last night. I don't want to be here because there's no doctors and no public transportation - I stay at home all the time. I am having to spend $600 to see a psychiatrist in NYC this month!
Oh yeah, and SSI decided THEY made a mistake and overpaid me and so they decided to stop giving me any money. I appealled because it had nothing to do with me, but they suck.
And tardive dyskinesia sucks too.
OK, so what are you all doing??????? I MISS YOU. Love Heather
it must mean what i had to
it must mean what i had to say wasnt worth sharing....basically my holidays were good. two of my kids came to visit. but i am coming apart after a long stretch of good. my roomate gave me very short notice that I would have to find a new place to live because she was moving in with her boyfriend. this will be my first time alone. i found a great apartment last week. been moving all week. been sick, anxious all week. nausea, liquid bowels, lost six pounds, night mares, panic attacks, auditory hallucinations, crying. i know its a good things and all kinds of positives but nothing overrides how wrong it feels for me. i worry for my mental health. having a hard time functionig at work. this is not a good place i am in. hope everybody else had happy holidays.
i tried commenting but it
i tried commenting but it says i triggered the spam filter and my comment would not be submitted
It did that to me too! Then
It did that to me too! Then I tried deleting half of what I wrote and it went through! (thats why I titled it testing one two three). Is his an epidemic? Is anyone else having a problem posting?
testing one two three
Heather a service dog sounds like such a brilliant idea! I want one too! Or even an untrained regular dog.
But anyway, I checked out your blog and have to go back later to read more. i haven't been on the forums much lately and have been wondering how you all are doing too. I have been setting up a local icarus group here and we start This Saturday ! I am sooooo nervous. But I have poured alot of energy in to envisioning what I would like to see and hopefully that will become a reality by sheer force of will and want.
Okay so I'm going to press submit and come back and finish later but I have to go make dinner now.
The rest of my post if the spam filter lets me.
Last night I took a fourth tab of zyprexa. (the 2.5mg ones. I use a pill cutter because that stuff hits me hard) I am worried about having another psychotic type break, and lately I have been ... happy. And I don't know about this hypomainia thing that people say exists, but i'll be damned if it isn't feeling a little true lately. I can't concentrate...I am distractable and giddy. I am unable to stay in the present moment, m thoughts are so fast so loud. If I were rich I would have gone to yoga every day instead of taking zyprexa. But oddly enough, my pills are free as air (and with an equal dependency issue as air) but yoga is expensive. I applied for a position doing work trade at a yoga studio, where they have a sauna. Aaaah.
I think I will stop taking my anti depressant- it might be contributing to this effect.
Hi all, the holidays were
Hi all, the holidays were actually pretty good for me. Thanks for the link to your blog, Heather. I also think the dog idea is great. I find having pets just adds so much to my life, they are not service animals, however they do me a lot of good. I had a couple commissions for paintings people ordered for gifts during the holidays...not a lot of money but kept me busy which kept my mind off family and other issues.
Mostly things for me have been really, really good. I have cut down my hours which means I am focusing on trying to live as cheaply as possible, but my attitude is a lot better, somewhat less absorbed with my day-job which kind of eats away at me. I am working on a lot of creative stuff. I am continuing to reduce my antidepressants which I've been doing since last march and the end is very, very close and I've been plodding away at it for so long.
I certainly know for myself, Sarsha, that antidepressants pushed me towards mania, psychosis, etc, but you've probably heard me go on about that ad nauseum over the months. Well, anyway, worth looking into that.
I did have one triggering event which I wanted to post here at some point, but in it's own thread I suppose. But then I was able to push it to the back burner for now, I guess it is just going to sit there until I'm ready for it, or perhaps it's not going to matter in the long run. well, kind of coming down with possibly a cold or something so should get to bed. Sarsha, you mentioned somewhere you are starting a local Icarus group which I think is so great. Happy new year to all of you.
Ok we just have to hear from
Ok we just have to hear from Mary - where are you Mary? :)
Sarcha, yeah antidepressants are the psychiatry test for bipolar - If they make you agitated or hyper, they consider that the big sign. My friend who has bipolar was on antiDs for a while and he beat up his wife and started fistfights with other drivers, it was nuts. he always jokes that he wishes he had happy manias, not angry ones, I remember he had to do anger management classes after he knocked his wife out cold, and all the other men were denying they did anything wrong, but he was like, "i totally screwed up! i don't want to do that again" and the anger management people had no idea what to do with that. now he takes a little welbbutrin with his lithium and seroquel - wellbutrin is the only antiD that shrinks seem to like to give for bipolar, it is diferent than the other SSRIs. Bipolar is so hard because it seems like you have to keep watching all the time for signs of ups and downs. I think that's why they ask people to keep a mood chart each day. My friend though has gottent o an extreme where he thinks all his emotions are chemical blips, and I have telling him that his depression may be due to the fact that his wife left him after 20 years. He never thought of that before. I told him just because he has bipolar stuff going on doesn't mean he isn't human.
K- Oh I am so sorry you had to move short notice! Was it financially OK? I know the stress of packing and having to buy things your roomate had and security deposits and stuff is expensive. I was scared when i first lived alone, but I came to love it. I did have a lot of paranoia about if someone was in the house all the time, but having a cat helped with that. They have psychiatric service dogs that are trained to search the house for people with PTSD so they can feel safe - and ones that are trained to tell someone if there is a real person there or if it is a hallucination, or if there really is a fire or if they are imagining smoke, ones to remind people to take medication, it's amazing. I realized i don't qualify for a service dog, I don't have any tasks that I cannot do that I need a dog for. Max my feline roommate is cool though. Anyway, enough about that - How is your mood now? Change I find is very triggering, esp housing changes, i get triggered a lot by that. It takes a while sometimes to get used to new noises, new shadows, stuff like that. I still cannot tell if the noises at night here are the heat coming on or someone crying! I honestly think that new housing is my worst trigger, it takes me a long time to feel safe with the neighbors and noises and lights, I get pretty hypervigilant. I didn't know you had any kids. I am glad you got to see one. I hope you feel better now.
Paula, that is so cool about the paintings! and working less, that job was eating you up it sounded like, too much stress! I know about the money thing. I think half my friends have declared bankrupcy.
I don't know, I have been feeling different, way different. It's the ACT therapy. It has you figure out your values so you can live in alignment with them and not controlled by PTSD - and I had a value of accepting all my emotions, which has lead to some weird stuff. My Dad and exhusband were very WASP Puritan about money, like a good person denies themselves what they need/want. I see I judge myself by how little I ask for, how little I need. That doesn't make a life I want though. But I have a strong history of wanting things and at the last minute not allowing myself to have them. So in trying to live by the value of loving myself and accepting my feelings, I had been having to sit with a lot of shame and grief and anger and stuff and fear about being bad. It's been transformational, like as I cry about how I deny myself stuff to be good, and how wrong that is, it all sheds. I am seeing a lot of the abuse my exhusband did more clearly too as i deal with this. He and I were always justifying spending a dime to each other, reinforcing the shame and guilt. He tapped into my "I have to be perfect" issues which he has a lot of too. Anyway as i live the value of accepting all my feelings, it brings up a lot of crap, but it's good, I hang onto the value and let the crap float by me. Doing self compassion everyday has had a profound effect on me too. I cannot believe that after 19 years I have found a therapy that helps and works. I feel lucky but I have grief too about all the years gone by. I also get to feeling suicidal because I am in so much pain and i feel guilty I cannot clean and am costing my mother so much money as always with health stuff.
Oh I went to the OA meeting, the place was locked, ho ho, typical for my luck with support groups, no?
Happy 2011.