Heather I think your original post - which I got in my email notification but I don't see it on here - is TOTALLY appropriate and relevant, and I'm really excited about the possibility of you seeing this new doctor.  You and your process EXIST and are a BIG help to me and my process.  I don't always make in onto the book club to reply to posts, but I try to keep up with the topics and I'm always impressed with everyone for continuing to plug away with issues like understanding symptoms and finding good care/therapy/med programs and support systems.

Nature is really helping me now, but I want to eventually try adding some yoga to my "toolbox" as people are calling it.  I keep a VERY loose daily schedule that gets me doing just a few simple and productive things every day.  Really, it's hardly a schedule, there are no times attached to anything.  I aim to: get out of bed, go to the bathroom, scoop the cat litter, fully hydrate, do a simple chore, eat breakfast (half an hour after hydrating - sort of ocd but it seems to work in terms of staying hydrated while avoiding stomach upset), do email/icarus if there's time before my friend comes to walk at 1 pm, walk with friend for 60-90 minutes, come back and do email/icarus/housework/whatever, fix/eat supper, watch a movie or do more computer, go to bed.

I know this is hardly a schedule, but it helps me feel grounded and moderate my activities.  Keeping up with the housework is important to me, but I never used to keep up with it in the past when I would expect myself to do it all at once and be "done" forever or something.  So now I mostly do it just a little bit at a time, which pleases me and boosts my confidence in myself.  I STILL don't usually get to all my activities - like I got all busy in the kitchen the last few days and didn't get on the computer much, which I missed.  And other days I'll just write all day and not do any housework.  (Although I've been walking every day!  I love it and feel so much stronger.)  But I can honestly say that every day I do something healthy and productive.  This is an improvement over times in the past when I would spend hours playing word games on the computer, or get excessively involved with planning gigs for the band and dance troupe I used to be in, so that I was worked up about it all the time - sort of a workaholic.

Heather I think you're wise to be cautious about those support groups since it sounds like they don't have guidelines to keep people safe from triggers.  I was sorry to hear about the crummy botox neurologist.  This is kind of unrelated, but once a doctor ACCIDENTALLY prescribed me double the intended dose of prednizone, which I took for two days (120 mg, he meant to prescribe 60 but did the math wrong) before I realized there was a problem.  It really sucked.  I wish I had taken legal action, it just didn't occur to me at the time.

I am inspired by your perseverence in finding good and varied support systems for yourself.  Your example shows me that survival/recovery/well-being CAN happen, even when the obstacles are massive and confusing.

I don't think I responded to your wonderful pm about my music issues!  Thank you so much.  I get anxiety about responding to pm's a lot of times - same thing with personal emails - I guess because when I'm communicating with just one person at a time I am afraid of blanking out somehow, saying too much, saying too little, not sounding sincere, and so I usually put off responding.  I think I'm getting better with this a little bit at a time.  It helps to be able to communicate with people individually and also in the group or forums.  Your message was so insightful and articulate, I was afraid I couldn't think of anything to write that would "measure up."  I know you're not expecting me to "measure up," it's just an old, old thought pattern in my mind, probably related to a period in high school when I used to pour my heart and mind out in letters to people I had met at a summer camp for creative writing, only to experience frustration, lack of connection, and ultimately few letters in return.  I'm sure it was that same combination of wrong people + ineffective communication methods that we were talking about before.

The mindfulness is REALLY powerful for me, and I notice healthy change when I apply it to emotional situations in order to avoid being overpowered by them.  But I noticed that sitting and doing the 3-5 minutes of mindfulness meditation, while totally pleasant at the time I'm doing it, has been followed by increased triggers for a whole day.  So I'm laying off this for the time being but hope to pick it up again in the future when I can feel more stable since I get the feeling that it can create REAL positive change for me when I can handle it.  Of course, that seems odd when I think about it, because I thought applying mindfulness in real time was supposed to be the hard part.

I'm still doing DBT every week.  The entire mindfulness module was challenging and seemed very relevant for me, but now we're doing emotion regulation and the way they're doing it seems kind of simplistic and dumbed down.  They're talking about disputing thoughts - the "I should" and "I always" and "I never" that we use to berate ourselves - but there is no mention of the role of triggers or other complications that might get in the way of disputing those thoughts.  I'm not sure what else to say about DBT, I'm just kind of trying to keep an open mind about it.  I feel like I've been able to take the pressure off in terms of thinking that this is the ONLY way to "recover" and gain the wholeness and functionality that I seek.  It's possible that some of the skills will be covered in a more superficial way due to the leaders' lack of experience (I think it's their first time leading a group).  I'll continue to try to be observant and take things with a grain of salt.

Well, that's where I'm at!  Oh, and I survived the holiday by unplugging the phone so I wouldn't have to hear my mom leaving messages on the answering machine.  I am very close to sending her the email "breaking up" with her for the time being.  Specifically, asking her not to contact me again unless I contact her.  And backing this up by not answering the phone, blocking emails, and returning letters.  I have gradually got to the point where I feel ready to do this.  Wish me strength and courage.

I do the thing that you talked about, Heather, where I'm having imaginary arguments with people.  The early mornings are hard for me because that's when I feel like my mom and my most recent ex-boyfriend - who was a lot like my mom in his narcissism, destructiveness and squandering of all resources - are in the room with me and I'm having the same types of ridiculous discussions with them, trying to get them to understand and respect my boundaries when actually they understand my boundaries very well and all they want to do is passive-aggressively attack said boundaries.  I'm so through with those types of relationships.  I am really very proud of myself.

I look forward to gradually waking up early in the morning more often, since sleeping in is basically a way for me to hide from those presences in my life.  I did it today.  I got up early.  It gives me time to write, and do more of everything else that I strive to include in my schedule.

well it definately looks like you have a good plan Heather. thats important to feel safe. have a support system of caregivers you trust developed no matter how small is very helpful. its just a shame that they dont take your insurance. at least you get reimbursed 70%, i wish the support groups were more helpful for you. i go to a support group that isnt geared toward me at all. i just go because its part of the mental health system and i feel if i get there and speak and i get to leave, that i must be ok or the therapist  wouldnt have let me go. just adds some structure to my week. i hope the psychiatrist works out for you. my psychiatrist is on youtube. has a major fan base. people come from all over to see him. its crazy.