I am reading two new books ( I am so ADD about reading. A little here, a lttle there.) One is a diagnostic reference book for DID, which has an interesting chapter on the anthropological studies of DID across cultures. It specifically compares DID with Shamans for their dissociative ability. The entering into trance states, leaving the body, transformation or even possesion of spirit/identity...The difference is that Shamans employ their dissociative ability conciously, intentionally while dissociation by traumatized individuals seems more of a reflex action. Is it possible we could gain control over our dissociative abilities and take it to a more adaptive place? I could be wrong but while dissociated I had numerous instances of fortelling a future event or knowing information that I hadn't yet looked up, but later did. Mental health pro's dismissed this as added evidence to the "Bipolar NOS" theory behind my craziness, delusios of grandeur they said. They didn't feel grand, at the time or now, just scary and confusing. The orderly fabric of time had torn and I was seeing what I wasn't meant to see or know.

Such as the time I told a psychologist about that ability and told her I knew what medication would be prescribed to me. Sudafed, I said. She smiled and said you can bet it won't be sudafed. Later I am being prescribed something by my doctor and she says I'm giving you blah blah blah, it has the added bonus of being an anti histamine so if you have any allergys it should help with those. I thought to myself, You're giving me sudafed??

One of my more recent daydream conversations with my psychologist was of her telling me I had DDNOS and that i may have DID but that that diagnosis couldn't be made unless a mental health pro or other third party witnessed a switch and had met an alter. I went to her office an asked if she and i had had that conversation where she gives me the diagnosis of DDNOS. She said no, and explained that we had talked about the possibility but that a diagnosis of DID can't be made unless someone meets an alter. I suppose I could have read that somewhere and had it in my subconcious, perhaps? I don't know.

I did some research into dreaming and altered states of consciousness and found a term that finally seemed to describe what I was experiencing- daytime hynagogia. Hypnagogic dreaming is a specific type of dream state inbetween being awake and asleep. Most people experience it while going to sleep at night, but daytime hypnagogia sounds more like what I do- a deep level of dissociation where hypnagogic hallucinations occurr. Interesting. Certain people throughout history claim their best ideas come up during hynagogia including Beethoven and Edison. I don't get ideas, the dream images were more of future tid bits and past ones- when I was in one such state I saw myself with blood all over my arms in a castle, the table with a bowl of fruit and a wine goblet. Death before capture, was the thought that came to me. I feel like this was a glimpse into a past life...or maybe just a dream? It felt so real, but then dreams often do.

I'd like to talk to the psychiatric nurse about the incidence of daytime hypnagogia and psychosis, or maybe its a symptom of dissociative psychosis. Just thinking out loud.