finding a therapist

Submitted by Awen on Mon, 08/16/2010 - 10:28am

http://www.camh.net/Care_Treatment/Resources_clients_families_friends/Women_abuse_trauma_therapy/women_trauma_choosing.html

This lists questions for a therapist, very good I think.

I am going back to see

Submitted by Sarsha on Mon, 08/23/2010 - 9:39pm.

I am going back to see Leslie, the Psychologist I saw when I was in crisis. She has a background with the medical model as well as being a psychologist that specializes in trama and she knows everything! She will be able to tell me what to do! I see her on thursday. She told me to write out all my symptoms and what came up with the other therapist (which I would have done anyway, because thats how I roll) but finally someone who wants to take the time to hear me out and is qualified to help me figure out my next move. I am a happy camper. If I weren't taking zyprexa I'd celebrate with some icecream. Dang it.

Awesome news! I hope it

Submitted by Pheepho on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 8:13am.

Awesome news! I hope it goes well and she is helpful!

Thanks. I just got back from

Submitted by Sarsha on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 8:30pm.

Thanks. I just got back from that appointment and feel still confused about my situation. She recomends I stay on my medication and said alot of scary things about how people can go from being totally functional with a strong support base to being homeless and crazy and alone on the streets with no one to help you. Which is pretty much my worst fear. Just say yes to drugs, kids. She said she'd help me go off meds down the road if i wanted to but she said now is not the time. I guess I knew that, but to be honest I feel a bit irritated at the scare tactic. She saw me when I was in my most psychotic state, so I guess she knows what shes talking about. She said I had symptoms of schizophrenia, which could happen in a manic bipolar psychosis too.And she said if I don't process my trauma with a therapist I could go crazy again. Sooooo... bottom line is I am nutso coo-coo mongo (sp?) and I have to talk about my shit before I turn into a bag lady.

I don't like scare tactics,

Submitted by Pheepho on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 8:20am.

I don't like scare tactics, either. Also, I think they give the mistaken impression that if you do what the psychiatrist says, scary stuff doesn't happen. I always on some level fear going off the deep end and losing my job. This kept me really compliant for a long time. But my last psychotic break actually occurred while I was compliantly following all my psychiatrists directions and taking all my meds...So, my point about scare tactics is, they can't accurately say all those scary things wont happen if you take your meds.

I am absolutely not anti-meds, I am so not, I think they can be valuable tools, and each of us live such unique lives, how could anyone speak for another? There are lots of thoughtful, articulate people on the forums who rely on meds. I am really just anti-stupid-overgeneralized-arguments-that-foster-our-deepest-fears-and-feed-our-lack-of-confidence-in-ourselves-and-promise-something-they-can't-deliver-and-suppose-that-some-person-with-a-medical-degree-is-more-of-an-expert-on-you-than-you-are-yourself. And also I am against getting stuck like I think I did for a long time, so if meds are useful for getting through a rough patch, it doesn't mean you need to depend on them the rest of your life.

I am realizing for myself that I need to figure out what works for me, and I think the time I spent giving over that power and expertise to another person was wasted time in some way. But you don't seem like me, back then, in that you are very pro-active and thoughtful in what you do...I think I was just overwhelmed and tired of things not helping me, so I did give up that control because it was comfortable to me.

I am in limbo myself, right now, I cancelled my therapy appt w that therapist I was seeing, partly I didn't think she was expert enough, and the truth is I can't afford it, I thought I could make it work financially but I can't. I feel in a more stable place this week than previously. I feel like a whole different person, actually. I am going to stop my med reductions for a few weeks, just so I can assess how much anti-depressant withdrawal played a part in what I was experiencing. My appointment with my psychiatrist is made for sept 24, I am hoping for a referral to somebody new, or atleast start addressing my issues with her...possibly a referral to the trauma program which will be fully covered by provincial insurance. I haven't picked up the Herman book for a bit, I am just enjoying the stable place i'm in and getting some practical things done and not upsetting the apple cart for a short while, anyway.

Yes, I so agree with your

Submitted by Sarsha on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 11:35am.

Yes, I so agree with your anti-stupidity stance! Whether a person chooses to take meds or not the bottom line seems to be to take these drugs seriously. One does not blindly swallow pills for the rest of their life not knowing or giving thought to their effect nor does one throw the bottle out, without considering the effect that will have. Sounds like you take it seriously and are being careful with your withdraweling. Hopefully when you talk to your psychiatrist she will be an ally in this. I need a referral too, for the therapist to see me. But I am able to contact the nurse for this, so I don't have to wait to see my psychiatrist for that. Is that a possibility for you?

How long ago was your last psychosis if you don't mind me asking? I am wondering because mine was last february but I get the sense it was longer for you? Leslie made it sound like after a bit of time had passed and therapy had ensued I could re-evaluate the meds thing.

I need a break from the books too. After I get set up with the therapist I will read again, but right now I feel like it would be good sense to concentrate on regular stuff like surfing and getting a job. I had an interview yesterday and should start soon! I am going to go call the nurse now, and get the referral set up. Will the trauma program be one on one?

I have never seen a

Submitted by Pheepho on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 10:05pm.

I have never seen a psychiatric nurse except when I was hospitalized. I did call my gp's office about getting a referal through her, and apparently I need to book an appointment with her to get that referral, which I haven't done yet. I think I need to acheive some sort of closure with my psychiatrist first, well, maybe partly for me, but partly because I can imagine my gp not wanting to get involved in referring me somewhere else if I can't assure her that I've tried to deal with my issues with her directly. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I have an idea of how much credibility a mental health patient has when she wants to ditch her psychiatrist (to other health professionals).

This is the program Heather tipped me off to http://www.womenscollegehospital.ca/programs/program125.html

I think parts of it may be one on one, I think it is taylored to the needs of the individual, from the way they descibe it, so that is why I think it may be worth doing. I guess the way I feel right now, I can wait the few weeks till my psych. appt., and then figure out after that what I need to do. I think even if it takes a while to get a good therapist, it would be a relief to somehow get back on better footing with some psychiatrist. Not to have to hide what I'm really thinking and going through...

My last psychotic break was in 2003, so you're right, long ago. It lingered for a while, and I think the way my psychiatrist handled it may have made it worse. I posted a thread on the main forums about it. I really am still very unclear about psychosis and my diagnosis and what psychosis means in relation to trauma, and clearly it is so different from person to person anyway. I am in the dark about this, so anything you learn about yourself that you want to share, I am so interested. Recently, I know I mentioned here, I felt close to a psychotic break in some way, but then I wonder if it is an accidental pairing in my mind between certain mental states and psychosis, when in reality there is no connection. Or maybe my mind is stronger now, for whatever reason. I really have no clue. There are too many variables in my life.

I hope you get a referral to someone you like. It sounds like this nurse is a reasonable person if she is saying there is a point when to re-assess the meds.

Wow I think that program

Submitted by Sarsha on Sat, 08/28/2010 - 10:58pm.

Wow I think that program looks great! I like what they say about being anti-oppressive and taking a collaborative approach to treatment- they want to work with you, not tell you what you should do.And they have art therapy! Good luck with your psychiatrist.

I also am unclear about psychosis and my diagnosis. Leslie says that some people have a predisposition to psychosis and might never go there. But when you have enough trauma in your life it really increases the chances.The presence of trauma andincidence of abuse are particularly high among people with psychotic disorders. But why? is it just stress, psychic/neurological overload or something less tangible? In my family my sister, my aunt and uncle and now me are all diagnosed bipolar and my mom had a psychotic break, I know because I was there but she won't tell me what she was diagnosed with. Is it genetic? I definately want to look into this more, and will let you know what I find.

Do you mind if I read the thread you posted on your experience with psychosis? Where is it?

I think this is the thread I

Submitted by Pheepho on Sun, 08/29/2010 - 12:48pm.

I think this is the thread I had in mind when I mentioned that,

https://site.icarusprojectarchive.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=181517#181517

dealing more with how antidepressants can trigger psychosis and how my psychiatrist managed my last psychotic episode. I have been wanting to post some stuff about my recent insights(?) or new ways to interpret my psychotic symptoms(?) but I'm a little shy about it so it may go in my blog rather than a discussion forum. I can send you a link when I do that if you're interested.

The art therapy now I am over, it was an odd experience with the art therapist I saw. I thought I wanted art therapy because I wanted something that didn't involve relating facts which probably wouldn't be inadequately understood...however, in 3 visits with her, I did no art at all, and by the end I realized that it was too personal, I couldn't do it. I could not produce art in her presence. Our discussions were helpful in that I did benefit from hearing her thoughts, but more as a forum for me expressing what made me uncomfortable, which she was somewhat good at listening to. However, it kept coming back to her wanting me to feel I could trust her, and to relax, and know that nothing could hurt me during sessions with her. Well, that is a clear fallacy, because therapy clearly can be hurtful even if she doesn't come at me with a knife, and my issue isn't with being open and trusting, it's with appropriately expressing and enforcing my boundaries, and being self-aware enough to respond to my feelings and to appropriately protect myself from the interests and desires of people around me instead of getting railroaded...so I don't think she got me. But it did kind of help me get myself.

When you get your referral, I wonder will you be given a choice? I mean, if they refer you to someone you don't like, can you pick and choose, or are you kind of stuck with the one person because it is hard to find this sort of help? I hope they find someone who you feel you can work with.

I'm thinking now when I see my psychiatrist next to go straight to the time issue and avoid any discussion of my meds at all, she will ask me how I am, and I will say I'm fine but that I want to discuss with her the possibility of her providing me a referral based on the fact that I need someone who is more available to me, and who can spend time really talking to me and assessing me. I will try to avoid the whole issue of my meds so I don't have to lie(?) or reveal my non-compliance. If she pushes me, I will have to figure out what to say, but want to avoid discussing my AD withdrawal. Bottom line, she doesn't have time to see me. The fact that she's not helping me and doesn't remember stuff I tell her and doesn't listen, this is another issue partly stemming from the first, but there's really not much point getting into that other than to illustrate why I'm not happy with the level of care I'm getting. What do you think?

Yes, I would be interested

Submitted by Sarsha on Sun, 08/29/2010 - 9:07pm.

Yes, I would be interested to hear about your recent insights into your psychotic symptoms. Its such a tricky thing to understand. Like trying to visually interpret and understand water, the waves are always moving.

I guess I ever really tried art therapy. Huh. Interesting to hear your observations of it. It would be difficult for me to produce art in front of somebody/on demand too.

I think I will not have much of a choice with referral to Remi Vista (the agency that takes MediCal). I am asking for someone who has knowledge and experience with PTSD, dissociation, and psychosis. I let them know that I have some level of splitting of self, although I discussed that with Leslie and she mentioned it might be a hallucination, at least in part? Either way, its something I should discuss in more detail with someone who is able to help me differentiate. I think that the odds are, there are very few people who are trained in these areas at Remi Vista, and if one is not available or if I don't jive with them, I need to look to the private sector and pay sliding scale.

I think your plan with the psychiatrist is a good one. Will you still be needing her to prescribe any meds or are you all set for now? Will the program at the Women's College include a new psychiatrist? Or is it different in Canada, therapists prescribe meds too? I'm confused on how that would work for you, it seems like it would make good sense to keep a connection with a psychiatrist (although sounds like your current psychiatrist might not be the best canidate!) even if you plan on dropping meds, it is helpful to have someone who knows your history and reactions to medications for an emergency situation. Its so hard to do that advocacy for yourself when you are in crisis. How are you doing with the withdrawel now? Are things ok? I think if I were you I would mention the withdrawel, after discussing the referral. She might just have information/ideas that could be helpful to you, and I don't think anything negative could come of it; but then she hasn't given you great advice in the past. hmmmm. I don't know, thats a toughy.

Do you work in an animal hospital or something? you mentioned "petting the patients" before. Do you think animals have mental illnesses and PTSD and psychosis or is it just us humans with our fancy brains with too many gadgets that get in the way? Just curious.

Yes, the thing that makes

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 08/31/2010 - 9:34am.

Yes, the thing that makes this difficult is that I still need someone to give me prescriptions. Therapists cannot prescribe, unless they also have a medical degree. Family doctors sometimes write rx's for psych meds, I'm not sure if mine would. This is the whole reason why I lied to her, and why I need to make the situation work or get a new pdoc. I am on a really low dose of my AD, and so I have a lot stockpiled, but I am also on antipsychotics, I take 125mg quetiapine, an atypical antipsychotic, probably the dose equivalent of 2.5mg zyprexa, ie a pretty low dose, which helps with my insomnia, as well as possibly controlling some psychotic symptoms. With everything I am learning about withdrawal, and what I am experiencing, I am going to need these meds for a while. I mean, even if I can get off all meds, I want to do the tapering really slowly ( a year or two ) and for instance now I am holding at my current dose until I feel more stable...who knows how long? So I need someone to provide me with scripts. If my pdoc decides, oh, you're being non-compliant, i'm not going to work with you...or, there's no such thing as withdrawal, if you think you don't need your meds just come off them now and show me that you can handle it...then I a really stuck. Right now I think I have about a 6 month supply of rx's since I guess she lost track of what scripts she had written and so gave me more repeats than I needed and of course I took them gladly...this gives me a little security, because I have that cushion. Otherwise, I don't know if I'd even tackle this, I'd probably just keep lying because I'd feel too much was at stake. My situation has a sense of the ridiculous, but at the same time I feel my whole future is at stake in a very real way. Anyway, otherwise I am doing okay, I have this emotional intensity at times of being a child, and my reality seems to shifts slightly, and at times the sense of chaos which slightly pushes towards paranoia, but I am handling it.

Yes, I think animals suffer from ptsd. I think animals can experience anything mentally that humans can, the difference being we have no way of knowing because they cannot articulate, so what we know about them is based on reading behavioural signs which is insufficient. It is funny that you mention this because I do think about it alot. I work in a veterinary hospital, so animals are on my mind all day. I think dogs are more articulate in demonstrating emotional states, and they also tend to interact more socially so it is easier to draw comparisons with humans. I think many dogs from pounds etc may have ptsd, my dog probably had it when I got her. The thing is often we don't know their background, I don't know if my dog was abused, she was just scared of everything when I got her. Was this due to abuse or because she was kept in a yard and never exposed to anything new? I'll never know. When is confinement abuse? It's a little more of a grey area with animals. Cats I think internalize much more behaviourally. I think they live in a slightly different world naturally, even without trauma. maybe cats dissociate and probably move outside their bodies regularly and this is just normal for them. Cats who are sick or injured tend to withdraw within themselves, rarely do they vocalize. Owners notice their cat hiding under the bed, whereas a dog may vocalize or plead with the owner. So if cats get ptsd, the expression of it is difficult to read. Many cats seem DID, but maybe this is just normal. Cats who are genetically feral or who were not socialized as kittens may show hypervigalence, etc and be really fearful. Behaviourists of course treat behaviour, and rehabilitation basically is a matter of, what is going to work to make this animal behave differently, so society/ the owner will find it more acceptable, or feel the animal is happier? Sometimes antidepressants are used, to modify anxiety-based dissorders. OCD in pets would be compulsive tail-chasing, for example. Usually AD's work to calm the animal and then training techniques can be used so the dog learns better responses to certain triggers, for instance. I have mixed feelings about this now, knowing what I know. Clearly animals live in the world of the intuitive (scientists say "instinct"), and don't suffer from self-consciousness in the way we do. Ie, they don't place value judgements on their emotional responses, they don't dwell on stuff like we do. very interesting to think of this. Don't know if you've ever studied animal behaviour academically, the prof's talk about anthropomorphizing, how this is a big no-no. Never attribute human emotions and motives to animals, this is what they teach. Well, why the hell not? I guess you can't anthropomorphize if you're going to perform vivisection or something, so scientists have something invested in thinking this way. It's a weird kind of doublethink I believe. Because in the same breath you're supposed to accept evolution and that their is a continuum between animals and humans, but then suddenly their is this huge wall. Also progressive vets are being more and more aware of pain and use of analgesics for patients, and I think anthropomorphizing is essential in empathizing with a patient's pain and fear. Fear and emotional stress is a huge factor in vet hospitals. Could write a book on this topic.

Hmmmm. I think if I were

Submitted by Sarsha on Wed, 09/01/2010 - 9:40pm.

Hmmmm. I think if I were you I would want to put myself in a situation where I could maximize my benefit of psychiatry, especially while withdrawling. I would probably say goodbye to the old psychiatrist after getting the referral and request a new one, one you can be feel like you can be honest to.

I am a little new to this system so I don't know how this non-compliancy thing works. I'm curious, though, because I did actually stop my meds without talking to my psychiatrist first. Other than make the recommendation that I go back to taking them, nothing happened. What if I had still refused? What am I liable for and how much did I sign away by signing the compliancy papers anyway? Did you have to sign papers? They said that I hereby agree and comply with her course of treatment. But I think that's more to protect against malpractise suits than anything else, right? Hmmmm.

I am curious about your new way of seeing psychotic symptoms. I am having some bits of symptoms. I still get confused about whether I thought something or said it aloud or did it, or whether I thought something or am remembering someone else say something. Not sure if that made sense. Basically I am confused about reality and non reality to the extent that I simply have stopped referencing past conversations (about a 50/50 that they never happened) but not enough that I want to take more anti psychotics. Or do I.

I think my cat might have ptsd. The vet said her heart beats about 20 beats more perminute than even a very scared cat and she loses control of her bladder when she sees the vet. I do the housecall vet, to decrease the anxiety around it but she is still so so scared. She used to be afraid of everybody but now after eight years she is better. Still not friendly right away but she does warm up to strangers.

Remi Vista still hasn't called me back. I keep thinking "aw, fuck it." who needs a therapist. is talking about things really a good idea? I want to close the case on this very much, not dig deeper. Then the voice of Leslie the Psychologist rings in my head. Alone. Without help. Homeless and crazy. Egads. I'll call them tomorow. One step at a time.

I wonder if cats have

Submitted by Pheepho on Sun, 09/12/2010 - 11:11am.

I wonder if cats have genetic PTSD, since they have really been persecuted through history at times. Or is it because they have this sense of being different and from another world that they were associated with evil and witchcraft, and hence persecuted? I tend not to pathologize fear of the vet. Unfortunately, most veterinary procedures have some element of pain, or are atleast intrusive. Handling an animal for a physical exam kind of defies all the rules of appropriate handling. Some people say they know we are trying to help them, but I don't really believe that. I think it is easier for dogs usually, because they are more used to being out of the house and exposed to new people and environments. It sounds like it is better for your cat to do the house-call vet.

I have my appointment with my psychiatrist less than two weeks away, kind of anxious about it. I have spent so much time thinking about it and getting feedback about it on Icarus, but what it will boil down to is what I will feel comfortable saying to her when the time comes, and I have to somehow do and say what feels right to me. I have so seldom (never?) been challenging to her that it is just unfamiliar ground. I need to tell myself, why be nervous about it? It's supposed to be about my life. If she faults me for changing my dosing while she was away, I need to remind her of that. It's not about her.

I feel such a sense over the past few months as having shifted between some really different states of consciousness. I don't really have language that adequately describes it without it sounding like I'm much sicker than I am. I have no lapses of memory beyond what would be usual, but when I think back to the last time I posted on the group, I think I feel so, so different, and I am much removed from the sense of chaos I had that made me feel close to psychosis.

My intuitive understanding of what was happening (this is purely from memory because I feel disconnected from this now) was that I had an "emergency self" which was essentially my 23-yr-old self. I was 23 at the time of my 1st psychotic break. Because my illness was attributed to drug-use, and because I had such loathing of myself kind of built-in, and I internalized a lot of shame and judgement, I kind of rejected the person that I was at that time. That whole aspect of me, I just kind of shut off. It was kind of the part of me that was impulsive, prideful, and bold, the part that felt I could go headlong into life, demand stuff of life, and that there would be no consequences. I think, because I was in such a situation of confinement as a teenager, that in my early 20's at the point when that situation dissolved, I was in a sense a teenager still.

What I realized one weekend perhaps a month ago when I felt like I was going nuts, was that by shutting off the person I was at the point of the psychotic break, I was shutting off my "emergency self". This is a concept of my own invention. Basically, I had to go back there to that very uncomfortable place in my life, and reconnect with the person that I was then, in order to save myself. In otherwords, even though I look back at that person and think of her as an unbelieveable fuck-up, she was actually a persona who was coping with some very fresh issues of trauma. I was in fairly constant contact with my abuser until 20 years of age, so at 23 it was pretty fresh, and I basically lacked almost any life-skills because my life had been so restricted growing up, so this person was actually the best I could come up with in the face of what my life had been like, and to blame her for who she was was pretty unfair. She perhaps had more strength than I, or any of the hospital staff, gave her credit for. I think calling the problem drug-induced really over-simplified it. I was hospitalized for 3 months, for smoking some pot??? The psychosis was 100% built around my abuser. He, and other people from that world, had engineered my confinement in hospital, I was being punished and essentially I was the abuser, I was the pervert, the sense of the persecutory self that we talked about on another thread. These were the sorts of thoughts going on in my head at that time. It was a horrible, frightening time for me.

Trying not to draw this out, but get it down while it's in my head. That weekend recently I felt inches away from a psychotic break, and I believed at the time that I avoided it by accessing my "emergency self", by going back to that self that I'd basically rejected all these years for so many reasons, and by essentially putting my trust in her to save my ass. Which seems like misplaced trust since she messed up my life so spectacularly back then, but I think it was the idea that she saved me in my head, even though my life was a mess. And the idea is that she actually did okay considering what she had to deal with. I realized that by rejecting her, I was hampering my strengths, and going back to her saved me from another psychotic break. This is just a kind of belief system that I formulated in my head as it was occuring at the time, and is independent of anything i have read and anyone else had said, don't know if it will have meaning in anyone's life but my own...

Hope things are going better for everyone here...Heather, I know you are off-line, but I hope things are going well, miss you around here...

Paula, I think alot of us in

Submitted by Sarsha on Mon, 09/13/2010 - 10:18pm.

Paula,

I think alot of us in this world are mentally allergic to trauma and maybe psychosis is like a knee-jerk response beyond the coping point. Maybe pot or whatever can influence things but I agree that the secret ingredient is more disturbing, less controllable and sadly too common.

I like the insight you are having over getting in touch with your 23 yr old self. It sounds like you've taught yourself a lesson in unconditional love/acceptance? I liked the reminder to look for personal strengths even in unlikely places/situations. Now adays I laugh to think about how I acted as a 19 yr old, walked around with a chip on my shoulder, but self preservation is a full time occupation as the song lyrics go. (Ani Difranco song-sorry i sometimes for get that probably the rest of the world hasn't memorized all of her lyrics.)

Do you feel like you've retained this self aftre getting in touch with them via the psychosis period or that there was a withdrawel after they were no longer needed?

I am bummed out about ...many things really. Everything was going so well and then I slipped on a psychic banana peal and kaplooie my health insurance is gone and...my best friend died. My cat aforementioned with the fear of vet. I truly loved her as anyone could truly be loved. She who chased raccoons out of my house, who always cuddled with me when i was sad who woke me up when my alarm didn't get set. We understood eachother, when I felt like nobody understood me. My friend of eight years died sptember 12th. i burried her in my back yard, wrapped in cloth and planted catmint on top. I haven't stopped crying since yesterday. When i saw her. She will be missed.

OH NO SARSHA I am so

Submitted by freakshow on Tue, 09/14/2010 - 5:54pm.

OH NO SARSHA I am so sorry! I bursted into tears the second I read your terrible news. I am so sorry for your loss. I just went and asked my two kitties to send you and your dear departed friend some "nice sparklies" (which is to say healing energy) and I know they are doing it. I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. You are in my thoughts. Hugs and tears, Mary

Oh, God, I am so sorry

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 09/14/2010 - 8:03am.

Oh, God, I am so sorry Sarsha. I had no idea this was happening. I am so sorry about your beautiful cat. That is the worst thing. The only important figures in my life who have died have been pets. Really the only kind of loss I know. It is very hard.

About the 23 yr old. i'm not really sure. I 'm not really sure of any of it, this is just as it felt during or shortly after, I feel so out of touch with the whole experience now...I only related it because that is how I remember it, so I thought it was worthwhile recording it somewhere. I feel in a really different mental state, now, kind of cut off from those feelings a bit, which I guess is how I need to be to get on with life, cope with work and other stress. So now it is a disconnected memory that I felt so crazy and uncontrolled that weekend. i think i look back at that period a little differently (when I was 23) now, though. It's painful to think of, because I have a lot of regrets in life, it kind of plagues me...what if I hadn't gone into hospital? What if things had gone differently? but now I am trying not to see it as me messing up my life...my life was messed up by events that were kind of beyond my control and I was coping without many skills...

I have listened to Ani Difranco, memorized some lyrics myself...every tool is a weapon if you hold it right...

Be kind to yourself...have you looked into any hospital programs that might be covered(?) like the one Heather found in TO? I guess it is so different there. Maybe through a rape crisis centre or some such place? I am not good at finding resources myself...I am kind of putting the therapy search on hold, doing ok for now, just waiting to sort things out with my psychiatrist...

Pet loss is the hardest

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 09/14/2010 - 8:12am.

Pet loss is the hardest thing. Animals are part of our souls, in a way I don't think a person could ever be. I deal with this every day, and still I am crying, especially when I look at her picture. I am so sorry about Orange.

Thank you all for your

Submitted by Sarsha on Wed, 09/22/2010 - 11:26pm.

Thank you all for your support... I am blubbery sad for my friend. But this will pass and death is a part of life. Ani Difranco says this is the price we pay for living in a world as beautiful as this...something like that. And my world is quite beautiful. Orange was a beautiful spirit. I am so glad to have known her...but she was never mine to keep. Always she was her own person. Barbara Kingsolver says people are like library books eventually you have to return them. We are always borrowing I guess. Nobody is for keeps.

I hope you all are well. I have been a bad book clubber- not reading sorry. I have just gotten off the phone with the director of the county mental health. The big time. She will call the Medi-cal people for me and find out what the status of my benfits are, if hey are going to give them to me or what. I'm glad that she has taken an interest in my case but our conversation left me feeling aggravated... not sure why exactly. She is obviously wanting to help and willing to hear me out. Something is off though. I trust my instincts. Maybe its the way she talked about mental health, its a disease like diabetes and you take your meds and your fine is what she said. I told her no it is not like diabetes. Many mental health issues are trauma based meaning the array of treament must address that, which medication does not. She agreed but... I don't know. I just don't like the way she talked to me. Anyway. Hopefully that works out.

Heather are you still here? Miss you.

Thanks Awen This is great!

Submitted by Sarsha on Mon, 08/16/2010 - 11:09am.

Thanks Awen This is great!

I always wanted a job as an

Submitted by Awen on Mon, 08/16/2010 - 12:14pm.

I always wanted a job as an information resource, like people could call and say what they need and I could hunt it down. Ia ma slo very good at arguing with billing offices and insurance cos. I always thought that could be marketed. Not that i like to do that but I am good at making debt disappear.

This site also has what I need - questions to ask yourself "is this therapy helping?" because I never am sure.... Remind me to read that when I am freaking about about shitty therapy, because I might just be triggered and the therapy is helping.... Danke.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

I will remember to remind

Submitted by Pheepho on Mon, 08/16/2010 - 6:08pm.

I will remember to remind you of this site if you are questioning your therapy down the road.

From what i have seen here you have some significant skills that could be marketed if you should choose. Sometimes turning something into a day job can take the fun out of it though...

I may or may not be offline for a bit. I came up against one of my less-stable selves this weekend and it was a bit disquieting. I think it was a necessary thing and part of a general learning process...I would like to write more about it when I get a bit of distance from the experience. It was re-assuring in the sense that I did not become psychotic...that I could come that close to the sense of instability without that element being there was definitely a good thing for me to experience. However, it forced me to realize I need to have a few more support systems and coping skills before I can just dive into...whatever it is...

I am taking one or two days off work. This in itself stresses me out, but I am normally really reliable, so this anxiety is not rational. I need to focus on the basics for a bit, and get back in the saddle: eating regular meals, sleeping, bathing, focusing on the present, listening to music, washing dishes, cooking, walking the dog, going to bed early, reading books that have nothing to do with my life, numbing out a bit, not discussing anything of significance...I will check in later.

This morning I realized that

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 9:59am.

This morning I realized that my frenzied search for a therapist was making me feel more anxious and unwell. I am going to slow it down a bit, be methodical, have the patience to wait for results, and perhaps most importantly, deal with my issues with my pdoc, which I can't unfortunately do until Semptember...fast approaching, though.

I realized that no therapist is better than the wrong therapist, and I think on some level I thought delving into this stuff was kind of fun, and having deep emotions was a refreshing change, like there wasn't a real fucking reason I'd been blocking my emotions all these years, and I just had this over-confidence, and then...

I came up against stuff I that I could barely handle. I had that really uncontrolled sense of chaos, just like what preceded my psychotic breaks, but this time I didn't go over the edge. I had to pull back, I was in emergency mode, I had to call in sick, I did some mental tricks that I don't even understand in order to pull myself back to a place of relative stability. But it made me realize that what I need is a really good person to teach me first off the coping skills, before I get pushed or willingly travel to that point again. I don't want a therapist who thinks she's doing her job if she stirs up feelings or makes me disclose.

I think I need to work on my boundaries. Nobody's going to like me very much for it, but especially when dealing with therapists, I need to learn to be more defensive. I need to question stuff more than I need to be questioned.

The first time I saw Milada I spent a lot of time talking about why I didn't think talking about the trauma directly would be helpful to me. Towards the end of the appointment, when we were touching on it again, she said, "i assume it was sexual?" Oh god! I told her I didn't think that catagorizing my trauma that way was helpful, in that I'd found the psychological abuse far more damaging, which she accepted, but why did I schedule another appt? I guess I was so eager to find someone, and some of the stuff she said was good, but why? Why in the one area I said I didn't want to be pushed, did she push me? Why do people just have to find a catagory to stick you in? Why is that so important, for them to evaluate your trauma on their own terms? But most importantly, why did she disregard everything I'd just told me to ask me that one question? And why did she tell me the trauma program at women's college hospital was cut, when it clearly still exists? I guess there may be explanations around that, but that's not the main issue.

I guess basically I realized on the weekend that I am playing with fire. This person I happened to hit on by searching the internet probably doesn't have the abilities to guide me through this. I left a message with the Barbara Schlifer clinic yesterday, and I am going to pursue the program at Women's College as soon as I can get a referal, and I have 2 friends I can ask, and I need to refer to the info you posted Awen, and likely bring it to every appt and use it as a kind of check list, and each and every question or comment that makes me uncomfortable I need to address, instead of falling into this passive persona because passivity has been my way of getting by until now. I also need not to regard each therapist as my potential saviour. I am capable of functioning without support, and will continue to do so until appropriate support arrives.

What I'm up against is the fact that I have to work, I want to work, I want to be functional while I am dealing with these issues. I'm kind of learning as I go about what is tolerable and what I can cope with. The badest it can get is psychosis, and I am sort of studying that from a new angle, the relationship between my PTSD symptoms and the psychotic symptoms that came up in the past but not this time. I have this decision to not go the meds route, this time. The meds thing is just too confusing, the side effects too devastating. That's just my choice, it's not a judgement on what anyone else may choose. I am on seroquel, but the dose is holding steady, I'm not going up. I want to explore this more but I don't really understand and I also don't want to get too lost in my head again right now, that pushes me in the wrong direction. The plan is back to work tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. Hope you all are well.

I can learn a lot from you

Submitted by Awen on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 10:36am.

I can learn a lot from you and this. I used to think that therapy would "fix" me and so I get into these terrified places about needing the perfect therappist immediately. That check list I posted has that check list also for "is therapy working" and it lists things about do you have better coping skills? can you handle symptoms better? That is more important than disclosure any day of the week. My psychiatrist said he wouldn't allow anyone to do trauma work til they did DBT to get skills for safety with emotions. I used to be very eager to do that regression stuff of the 1980s to heal, and now that's proven to harm people. My PTSD isn't going anywhere, it's not life or death (usually), I can take my time.

If that art therapist seemed good on a lot of levels but asked one wrong question, I think it might help to meet with her and say "This wasn't helpful for me and made me feel like you weren't hearing what I said." and let her explain herself and get to know your needs better. How she handles that will tell you if she's a jerk. I am seeing that no therapist is really going to GET IT. So I have to take imperfection because they are human.

Going into the emotions when you don't have a safety net of skills, a good therapist you trust, and/or medication that helps, that's a one way ticket to the hospital. Very smart of you to hold off I'd say.

I saw Dawn my new therapist again last night. She is very nice. She asked what I wanted to work on and I said, "The discociation where things get grey and I start to feel hyperreal... Oh, it's happening now that I am saying that!" (Me now freaking out.) Dawn: "Look at me. Touch your fingertips, feel them, count them, see them," Me: "Now I am going to have a panic attack! I cannot be aware of my body with someone in the room!" Dawn: "Stop stop, Ok talk about something else, never mind, you're not ready for this." Dr Lasek told me that for dissociative PTSD nothing can be done until the client feels safe with the therapist. So for now I am going to work on that, and to keep in control of the relationship. dawn is great about me deciding what is too much. I don't like how eager she is to appear like she gets me - I'll say stuff and she'll mirror it back to me and have no clue what I just said and I have say it again, annoyed. She doesn't know me so she's trying to explain everything about me in terms of PTSD. She asked what is fun for me and I said reading history and mythology and occult stuff and trying to make sens eof it all and having it all fit together and she said "So you can control it and it is safe" and I said, "No, because I love learning and it is exciting!" Stufff like that. But at least she's not evil.

I understand being offline, I need breaks from thinking about mental health crap all the time. Relaz and come down.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

Yes, Paula, I think it can

Submitted by Sarsha on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 12:23pm.

Yes, Paula, I think it can be really hard to address comments/situations that make you uncomfortable and even harder to address them appropriately. I am there with my psychiatrist- she is very good, I think, a very logical, knowledgable, person and listens well and give credit and credibility to my insight and suggestions regarding my own treatment. However, the limited amount of time she is able to give me both in trms of sssions (ah shit thr gos my kyboar again) and frequency is damaging to her ability to help me. She keeps saying that it ddoesn't matter because whethr I am having a dissociative psychosis or bipolar psychosis the treatment is the same (zyprexa!) but it matters to me damn it. Our sessions are always rushed and I don't ever get time to ask and recieve the answers I want. Argh! Why was I talking about that again... oh yeah, addressing situations. So I did say to her last ti me we met that our lack of time together led to me not fullly disclosing my symptoms, which I felt led to a misdiagnosis. She told me she understood that frustration but unfortunately that is the way it is and she is a busy bee and if I wanted to request a change of provider I had every right to do so. I am torn- She may be a little busier than some, but won't ALL pdocs have time crunches because of the system they are born into? And at this point she probably has a pretty good understanding, but it shouldnt have taken 6 months to get there. I don't see a suggestion box in her office so I am left with no option but to voice my complaint in the valuable 15 minutes we have. I think when voicing complaints its important to acknowledge the things you appreciate about the person. In work training they called it a compliment sandwhich. say something nice, say the criticism, say something nice. Formulaic but easy to remember. As in, "I really appreciate your help and respect your opinion but I feel like I am unable to fully benefit from that opinion when we don't have the full 30 minutes to speak to eachother. I know you take your job seriously and are very comitted to your work". Then I need to ask for what I want specifically "In order to receive the full level of care that I deserve, I'd appreciate it if you did not allow intteruptions while I am in your office unless they are directly benefitting me. I also deserve the full amount of time I am scheduled to recieve, and if somehting comes up which infringes on our session and cuts away from that time, I expect that you find a way to make it up to me- reschedule my appointment and give me a full refund. Aftre all, if I don't show up to an appointment I am charged a fee by this office. How are you going to show me that you respect my time, and treat it as a valuable committment?

Wow, it felt really good to write that out. thanks to you both for inspiring me... Yes advocating for yourself/communicating your needs is difficult...particularly when the other person is in a position of power over you. Being clear and respectful while firmly standing your ground is an important skill to have and I think a life long lesson.

In other news the therapist that i want still hasn't called me back, she'll be back in town on wednesday according to her voice mail. I will remember that check list for "is this therapy working" and remind you Awen, and remind me too. With the last therapist i remember often feeling like i didn't know if i was going anywhere. She said "youre making progress" and I remember thinking "no, you are just getting to know me better. I always had those skills." Anyways. I agree Awen, its good to remember that a therapist is only a human being. We have to help them help us in a way, by setting boundaries and stuff the way we should in any relationship. And I know what you mean Paula about backing away for awile. This can get heavy and also you know what? My mental health issues and trauma do not define me. I am more than this. And its good to be here and also good to get away sometimes.

Okay I'm off to work!

Everyone tells me how great

Submitted by Sarsha on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 12:49pm.

Everyone tells me how great this WRAP program is but I haven't looked into it. If one of you feels like it it might be worth checking out:

On Wednesday, August 18 from 2-3pm Eastern Time (EDT) Katie Wilson, Director of Marketing and Special Projects, will give a one hour FREE WRAP overview including the five key concepts- hope, education, personal responsibility, self-advocacy, and support. Katie will go through wellness tools, the daily maintenance plan, triggers and triggers action plan, early warning signs and action plan, when things are breaking down, crisis p...lanning, and post crisis planning. The presentation will be followed by a live question and answer session.

Katie is a Copeland Center trained WRAP Facilitator. Katie has worked for Mary Ellen Copeland and for the Copeland Center. She organizes the monthly webinars, as well as all the online tools for the Copeland Center and Mentalhealthrecovery.com.

This webinar is appropriate for anyone who wants to learn more about WRAP, using WRAP for yourself or to support others.

To register:
https://www1.gotomeeting.com/register/349130904

Thanks for the tip,

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 5:25pm.

Thanks for the tip, Sarsha. I heard WRAP mentioned on the Schlifer Clinic website, I will keep it in mind.

Here is the sandwich I am working on:

I appreciate that you've always made a real effort to fit me in, but I just feel like because our appointments are always so rushed that you've become out of touch with what is going on with me, and there is never enough time to discuss things adequately.

The top layer seems a little thin, and I have a lot more that I could add to the central layer which would probably make it unpalatable, and the bottom layer right now is completely missing...but I have until late September to work on it. If the issue of my meds comes up, and how I've tapered them down, I think the whole focus will be away from the sandwich and onto me...but maybe then I deflect it back to the sandwich...I wish there was time to really discuss the situation with my meds so I could benefit from your input, however since you just told me my appointment would be cut short...this is almost fun, now...

I am starting to see our

Submitted by Pheepho on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 5:34pm.

I am starting to see our situations partly as a product of the system, also, as you mentioned. But when I first started seeing her, she was not so rushed, and we did discuss things more...before I started meds...so meds are a time-saving tool...

hey how far apart are you

Submitted by Sarsha on Tue, 08/17/2010 - 7:59pm.

hey how far apart are you alls appointments with your psychiatrist? Mine are two months, is that normal? I am stabelish, but not really that cool with my treatment plan. It scares me to hear stories like what Zyprexa did to you Awen, with the Tardive Dyskinesia (it was Zyprexa right?) and also it feels hard core...but I only take 1.25 mg a day. And my p doc is all for me staying on the lowest possible dose.

Its a system where any doctor is given incentive to get you the hell out of their office and also psychiatrists went to medical school, they have been trained to see you as a sick person whom they are going to heal. Not absolutely I know, not everyone has the same philosophy but in general, the psychiatrist just wants to know your symptoms (not the cause) and then "fix" them. Which is very helpful, but also a little problematic. Mostly because true of any illness but particularly mental illness, I want to be (and need to be for healing to work) in charge of my own healing. I need help yes, and thank god for how helpful most mental pro's have been towards me. I guess I have to accept that the psychiatrist is not the peron interested in why I went crazy, and rely on a knowledgable psychologist for help healing the causes of my symptoms. ho hum.

Wow, I'm realizing I have it

Submitted by Pheepho on Wed, 08/18/2010 - 9:45am.

Wow, I'm realizing I have it pretty good, although I don't currently like the way my pdoc is dealing with me. When I first started seeing her it was for psychotherapy, and it was weekly, and I got a full appt. (50 mins?). I should mention that in Ontario seeing a pdoc is fully covered by public health care, but generally no other mental-health modality is covered, unless by a company health care plan. So this was back 12 yrs ago or so, before I started meds. It's difficult to remember all the details back then. There was a point I think after I went on meds, but I 'm having trouble with the chronology, when I started having nothing to say. Things were pretty even, therapy had kind of come to a stop without it being clearly articulated. My life can be like that as long as nothing changes, no intimate relationships, nothing to throw me off. At that point she said, you can come every 2nd or 3rd week, if you like. I think at that point, too, it became harder to get time with her and she was full-time at the hospital, so the inpatient ward was her primary commitment, and those patients are more critical, infact when she is late, which is always, she often mentions an emergency on the ward. she did once even mention a suicide. I am realizing I think this is inappropriate. Next time she says something like that, maybe I'll try saying, "how is that supposed to make me feel? Why are you sharing that?" Clearly, there's always going to be a case more dire than my own. I guess unless I end up in the ward myself again...that's kind of the system, too, though.

Later, when things went all to hell and I had my 2nd psychotic break, my appointment frequency didn't increase. There wasn't much discussion. and at this point, it always seemed harder to fit me in. Lately I see her about 1x per month, except now that she's away for the summer. I wish she'd keep clear, concise notes. I have similar experiences to you guys, she makes general statements about me, as if she really remembers or knows, general statements that kind of attempt to block out the complexity of my life in a way that makes it easy to justify just medicating some "symptom' or other. For example, "you have always had a problem with sleep..." (in otherwords, "it is an unavoidable symptom that you are sleeping two hours a night, so I'm just going to prescribe more meds and your just going to have to endure this...")

My part in this, which I am starting to see, is that I have become so passive in this process that I can't immediately articulate an objection, which might be "I have always been a light sleeper, but I have always been able to get enough sleep, I have never had a problem with insomnia until I went on antidepressants." I guess I have been allowing her to rewrite my history. I think also, I have been complicit in that I found for a while, the clear science of psychiatry a relief, after all the intrusive psychoanalysis of my childhood. To be free of that (you mean I don't have to be introspective to get better?) was hugely freeing for me, until things went wrong.

Once every 2 months, especially if you value the time you are working together, would be tough...also when you are starting a new medication. I'm surprised to learn that. Completely different health care system here, though.

I keep revising how I am going to approach my pdoc around these issues. I think know it would be really good for me to try to gradually re-assert myself with her, I'm not sure how that would go. I need to say the truth and she kind of needs to hear it. If she doesn't hear it when I tell her point blank to her face, then I need to find someone else. She hasn't picked up on stuff well, but I haven't been asserting my truth very loudly. This discussion is helping me figure some of that out.

What you are saying, Sarsha, I think is good: you have to be in charge. In the past I have had trouble with that, I felt, I have so much wrong with me, how can I be in charge? And I would relinquish my control.

I also felt an enormous

Submitted by Sarsha on Wed, 08/18/2010 - 11:16am.

I also felt an enormous releif to talk to the psychiatrist and have everything broken down into a formulaic symptom/no symptom dichotomy. I'm a creative person, but part of me loves the world of logic and clear answers, but as in fallacies logic doesn't always strike truth. Awen you said something once about owning your story, knowing your own truth, it really hit home to me. Its important to know your truth, own it, so you can assert it to others. Good reminder, I can be really passive too if I don't make a concious effort to be otherwise. One thing I did that really helps me to participate in my health plan is to request a copy of my records. I got all the case notes from everyone who ever talked to me. I never knew I even had a diagnosis before then. To get your records call the records department. If they ask why tell them you need it as reference for future medical providors, that should do it.

Wow Canada is the magic land of universal healthcare. But it sounds like they don't cover therapy, whats up with that? Here in California we have state healthcare for people who don't have private called MediCal. Most everywhere takes MediCal insurance except dentist offices, how kooky is that? Seems about 50/50 with therapists. Its hard for them to sign up or something is what one of them told me. Yeah, I think I will shop around for a new psychiatrst. Mine just doesn't have the time for me and I deserve good service, damn it. When I first started seeing her it was once a month but I realize now that that was a little rediculous for a new patient. vv-(thats my cat sayig hi.)

Today is the day! That I can turn in my job application, recieve a return call from my future therapist and get my sink fixed! What a day. Well i'm going to get in the ocean now, wish me luck (its shark season *shudder*).

Oh my, lots of catching

Submitted by Awen on Wed, 08/18/2010 - 11:00am.

Oh my, lots of catching up!

WRAP - very simple thing that can change your life is used properly. When doing it I realized that when I start talking about my exhusband, it is a sign I am in danger. Stuff like that. Very practical thing to do.

I saw my pdoc once a month for half an hour - very rare to have that. But in TO I saw my pdoc every other week for 20 minutes or more as needed. In LA it was once a month for 10 minutes. Every 6 weeks for 15 min is the norm I am told.

They will rewrite your symptoms to fit the diagnosis, which is a disaster, so it is amazing you have caught that. Be very clear about the antiD making the sleep a much harder thing. Oh course she might say you are BP then because it is making you manic, so don't let her lead you down that path.

The joke with Zyprexa is when they hand you the script you gain 20 pounds. The average weight gain on it is 100 lbs just to warn you, I gained 60 I still haven't lost. My anxiety was much higher on antipsychotics because I knew I was syupid and couldn't think enough to feel safe. Also BP psychosis is NOT PTSD psychosis - one is caused by fear/trigger and one is caused by chemcials burping in your brain. I have never heard of Zyprexa for trauma. Ever.

You can ask for a second opinion - Someone who will do an hour long intake with you, another pdoc, like they'd do if you were a new patient. This gives you a chance to control the information, say what you know to be true about you and what has helped. Some psychiatrists will do therapy and will do longer sessions. It involves calling around. My psychiatrist in VT would have made the BEST therapist ever.

Most pdocs think they have you pegged. It is very very hard to get a diagnosis change without getting a new pdoc. It amazes people I got out of the BP paradigm and into PTSD/ADHD. If you read a bunch about PTSD, then go to a new doc and use all the buzz wrods, you'll get the diagnosis you want, you can walk them to doing that. Just read the wikipedia stuff and then repeat it. Stress that you want to do DBT and CBT and that you are very compliant about this. Show the WRAP plan or books you are reading. Whatever. The way they treat PTSD is different than BP - for BP they wanna give you pills so you don't kill yourself and that makes them happy. For PTSD they want you to do therapy and go away. Expect little understanding on their part about what therapy you should do - they are busy reading endless studies about what neurontin is now proven to not work for.

Drugs I Suggest by Heather Awen:

Prazosin - My go to drug for PTSD insomnia, flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety. It is a high blood pressure med, it changes the body so you calm down. Non addictive and not a psych med. Approved for PTSD. It made me a bit dizzy but I enjoyed that.

A long name antihistimine for hives beginning with C - The other approved PTSD drug, used for insomnia and nightmares.. It made my mouth dry.

START WITH THOSE for insomnia. Ask for them by name. They are the ONLY two PTSD drugs on the market. And most doctors who dont' keep up with PTSD research haven't heard of them.

As far as antiDs - change the amount, the brand, and the time of day if they aren't working, why suffer on the wrong drug? If you don't do antiDs, try St Johns Wort tincture, they use it in Germany. For sleep if you aren't on meds try Skullcap tincture or Valerian tincture (but Valerian is addictive after a while). For anxiety try Motherwort tincture, if you are doing the naturopath thing. Do tinctures not pills.

GOOD LUCK!!! and remember that this is just a PART of your life, it is not who you are.(remind me of that.)

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

I am weaning off my

Submitted by Pheepho on Wed, 08/18/2010 - 9:56pm.

I am weaning off my antidepressants. I have tried so many, and most do give me insomnia and I have also had a psychotic break which I attribute to them so I'm just done. My depression I have always been able to soldier through, but not the side effects and the withdrawal and all the crap. Zyprexa does make you gain weight. I've never had a problem with my weight before, and I gained 40lbs. I am interested in the whole issue around psychosis and PTSD and triggers, I need to learn more about this...the last 5 days for me have been very strange and I wish I had written more about it when it was going on, so I could understand it now, but I couldn't write, I was just driving myself crazy and I had to really get out of my own head. I did earlier think about what I was going to write about it, to try to explain it, and now it just seems really crazy...I will write about it later, I remember what was in my mind, it just seems sort of far fetched now...but I will preserve those thoughts, because I guess it has it's own logic that I may understand later. I just don't have time to write about it now.

I'm just kind of shocked at the change in myself since yesterday. its not bad or good, it's just weird, I feel like a completely different person, I pulled myself together almost overnight, I went back to work today which I was scared would be really difficult and that I wouldn't be able to cope. But it was fine today. it's like my logical self just kicked in. I did use some conscious stress-reduction techniques which I kind of invented on the spot, which I'm sure aren't new but they're new for me. Something that was going on shortly after I arrived started the anger welling inside me, and I thought, I can't afford to do this again. I had to distract myself from the feeling, and I wanted to go outside or focus out a window or something but there are no windows and I can't walk outside every time something bothers me. I felt I had to focus on something from nature. I work with animals, and the trick now is when something is triggering me and the anger is building, I find a patient to pet, and I just pet their fur, even just for a second, and it's done. Only because I decided I have to let it go because it makes me crazy. So I just decide, " i'm not going to go there, I'm not going to take this on" and then I put that thought into the fur and it's done. One time there was no animal nearby so I had to pet my own head, well, I just stroked my hair for a second, and then it worked. I was basically touching my hair every five or ten minutes all night. This sounds weird, but I made it through the day, and I was really scared earlier that i would have a hard time doing that.

I feel like I've been to another country and back in the last few days. I really can't get over it. I think I said earlier in this thread or another, that I felt like I was having a psychotic break without the psychosis, ie all the symptoms, the sense of rushing and chaos and other things I associate with those times, but not the psychotic thoughts. Either it's withdrawal from my AD's, or I was triggered by what happened last week at work, and I went there and I pulled myself back...I will explain more later about that...anyway I thought maybe if I took 2 days off work I could pull round, so I did. I realized if I didn't do that I might be looking at breaking down completely. Anyway, I have to go, I can't get all wrapped up in my head again, I have to stay logical...I will come back to this later.

but it sounds like psychiatric system sucks down there, I'm absolutely floored that these pdocs think they can determine the course of people's lives in a 15 min appt. I am absolutely shocked by this. However, in Canada, since psychiatry is the only mental health profession that is fully covered, I think a lot of people who don't have money get stuck in the psych system because they don't have access to other modalities.

Awen, i appreciate the notes re meds for insomnia, I will ask my pdoc. I have never heard of those before...

Wow, Paula thats really

Submitted by Sarsha on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 8:48pm.

Wow, Paula thats really interesting it shifted for you like that. Smart thinking with the fur and hair trick. I just read something from the book the Enchanted World of Sleep about dreams and trauma. It said that people who were in the holocaust who were well adjusted had no memory of their rem dreams, the time when nightmares happen. The group who had no trauma ever remembered their rem dreams all the time almost and people who were in the holocaust but were not well adjusted remembered their dreams about half the time. At first I was like, this is great! Its saying I should forget about everything! Yes! Then i realized that the well adjusted group may not actually be as well adjusted as they appear. I think the trick is not suppress and not to submerge in trauma but allow triggers, emotions and trauma memories to trickle one drop at a time. My point is that it sounds like somehow or another you mastered that in this instance. I'd be interested to know what the the last few days was like for you. When you go crazy do you go way into your head and not hear people talking? I do. Alot. Which is not how I normally am.

I think my experiences are

Submitted by Pheepho on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 11:30pm.

I think my experiences are not as extreme as yours, and yet similar and somewhere along the continuum towards the mental states you experience. But at the same time, each step of the way I am experiencing my fracturedness in more extremity...not to say it's getting worse, more that I am aware. I am not the person I thought I was 6 months ago. I think that is interesting about the holocaust survivors, but I agree with your point, superficial appearance of being well-adjusted may be hiding the truth. What is well-adjusted? Holding down a job? But are they in a constant state of depersonalization or dissociation as they go about their day, in order to function? Are they able to experience their full range of emotion? When they did these studies, what was the level of knowledge of PTSD, and how it can manifest, at that time in history? I would like to read Victor Frankl sometime, because he was a holocaust survivor who I think was also a psychiatrist and a philosopher(?), have you ever heard of his work? I mean, he lived it, so I think his point of view has more value.

I continue reading the Judith Herman book, and I feel like I'm learning so much about myself, and I see myself in every page. I saw your other post, but I have to go to sleep and work again tomorrow, so will respond later. On the weekend I was painting and it occured to me that I was channeling another artist from a former era with PTSD. I had to turn it to the wall, and I wont look at it again until I'm feeling really strong. This is just to say, I no longer limit my sense of what is possible. Of course people just will assume it's all coming from my own mind, but how do they really know that? Some possibilities I don't dwell on in certain mental states, simply because it makes it hard to focus and function. That is the only limit I impose on myself. It is not a denial that the supernatural may exist, it's just a way of limiting my range of vision so that I can continue to function. I feel that I had to shut out some range of my emotion in order to return to work this week, but unlike in the past, this was a somewhat conscious act, and I feel like I have not cut off complete access to these other parts of me, especially in that I have the clear memory of those other mental states, and what they were like. For years before, I didn't even know they existed. This relates to what you said about gaining control of dissociation. I still don't get it, but I feel like I'm a little closer. Will be back later.