Power

Submitted by Awen on Thu, 11/11/2010 - 2:32pm

hey there -

i struggle a lot with the issue of power. a lot of my life i thought it was more noble to be a victim than an oppressor as if those are the two options we have. i have seen other victims then decide they have been too nice and start oppressing others and being real assholes.

dos anyone else fear having power?

i am trying to work with the concept of power within, and shared power / power with. i feel like other people's power runs me right over, i am so scared to use my power lest i get attacked for it or i harm others, which i know i have done with my terror - being too aggressive because i am so sure i'll be attacked. i know this is a huge issue in the feminist community - women thinking power=bad person. if you're powerful you'll hurt others and powerless people are the noble ones.

how do you work with power? how do you feel about it? i really am so concerned with becoming an abuser, i don't take power that often, and i nhaven't really learned the third way of shared power - well actually yeah i have read all those books and studied it - i was raised by hippies after all - but the thing is, i don't find that talking in I statements and looking for win-win situations really is helpful because most people want a you lose situation. and i think my hearing is trauma-warped - i think i hear attacks where they may not be attacks - or at least not life threatening ones like i am adrenalin reacting to like a hysterical person.

i think for me power and safety are issues - i haven't had many experiences where i was safe using my power. i think a lot of those assertiveness books and nonviolent communication books don't take into account what we've lived through. i don't biologically feel safe doing those things. i cannot be assertive face to face with someone. i have panic attacks just checking VM and emails, thinking i am about to somehow be killed for what i last said to the person. (yes, i am used to unpredictable people.)

also you can do all the things right in communicating and you still usually don't get what you want. that always makes me mad. my mom says to do it because it is the right way to communicate and that it lets me know i did the right thing. but i still get hung up on expectation - if i say it "right" i'll get my needs met. (radical acceptance needs to come in to this.) it is hard to trust i can SURVIVE that. my whole life no one heard my needs, and i get very terrified when i try to communicate in better healthier ways - and still my needs don't get met.

i had no power when being abused and i on a deep level feel like if i use power now i'll be punished or be an abuser. also, i seem to swing into crazy power defensive mode, like every time i try to be assertive i am acting like the world will soon end, i'm going to DIE, i am having emotional flashbacky type reactions to the situation of negociating with people that feel like death is near and i know i don't look safe or sane or like someone that is reasonable. it's not effective. i try to be easy on myself and know that this is a new skill, but i beat myself up for not having perfect assertive conflict transformation skills.

on some level i feel so dependent on the outcome of each interaction - that it is always life and death - that the stress level of dealing with people - even this forum makes me a WRECK sometimes for days. mom keeps telling me that no one says that much power over me anymore, but i just don't feel it, eveery person i interact with feels like they hold my life in their hands. i forget my power - or when i remember it - i blast them.

i am trying to see the power of a tree or a wave or a hawk or a worm, how much amazing power they have and they all assert themselves and want to live. i watch my cat. i don't know if i could walk away like my cat does from me or the way he tries to bite me when i annoy him. i don't understand yet the idea of everything having power and yet it all works. all the trees in the woods by my house have power, but they all are together. well i guess the vines are strangling some trees actually. nature isn't really the peaceful place people think.

does anyone have examples of good leaders, of people sharing and using power wisely? i have felt it with quakers and consensus, even though with other people consensus has kinda sucked. i have felt power in marching demostrations - i think that's when i feel the most power, shared power. i feel it when i make soap for the shelters or volunteer with kids in shelters or tutor teeangers or clean up parks and take home lots of cool thrown away things. i felt power when shooting a gun and i didn't like it. i feel power when i laugh, knowing that they cannot take that away from me. i feel power when yoga helps my back pain. i feel power when communicating with Gods.

my favorite image of power might be a dandelion breaking through a side walk

how has power been for you all? doe sit scare you?

Hey Awen, I do really relate

Submitted by Pheepho on Fri, 11/12/2010 - 10:45pm.

Hey Awen, I do really relate to what you're saying, about being afraid to take power. I am afraid of becoming a bad person when I take an assertive/aggressive role, yet I guess my job has pushed me into really needing to take some sort of leadership role in order to get things done that just need to be done. I mean, that I am filling a need when i am working with a lot of people younger than me or less experienced, and if I don't take a leadership role we will be there all night or things wont be done properly and someone will suffer for that. so this has been a good experience for me, in a way, because I think I have learned kind of by trial and error to be a leader (which is taking power?) but still have positive relationships with these people. It hasn't always been easy.

At work also there have been some really big (to me) interpersonal issues with a particular person and I have chosen to address one persons behaviour because she lies and is really difficult to work with. This has been a huge challenge and I am sure I have got it all wrong in how I've handled it, and there have been times when i've felt like perhaps I am being a bully???? I have nobody to really talk to about it, except from time to time with other co-workers. I really don't have perspective on it. I mean, it isn't appropriate to go into the details, but I struggle with this, because if I do nothing then I accept her lying and belittling people and putting others at risk, but when i do stuff I never feel clear about it, because I guess I am aware that I don't like her at all, but what is my motivation, and does my dislike stem from her negative behaviours or what? So I documented a bunch of stuff that she had lied about and essentially I want her to be fired, and I am providing enough documentation for them to do that...I think so anyway.

So anyway, I hope I don't look back on this later and realize I have done something terrible, but I feel like she is perhaps a sociopath?

Well basically I relate to what you are saying and I feel either I am too passive or I try to make an impact and I am never sure if it is okay...I feel at times that I literally have no perspective on my behaviour.

power

Submitted by Sarsha on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 12:38am.

I think I know what you mean- in the past, I have felt very unsafe expressing my personal needs or wants or opinions over others. My mom was a difficult and unpredictable alcoholic and so was my first boyfriend and I mostly never knew what would be okay to say or do or when to say or do it which led to me learning how to rapidly size up the mood of another person and then adjust myself to fit in with what they need. It led to me becoming a simmering cauldron of anger sometimes because I would be run over by friends and be pissed that I was run over- but it wasn't nesesarily all their fault and since I have the emotional vocaulary of a toddler. Noone understands why I am mad. Because like a pouty child I wouldn't tell them.Gradually I'm learning to voice my opinion my wants and needs even in trivial things.And you know what, the low simmering constant anger is gone. How powerful is that, to be able to say what you mean when it matters. Its hard.

Michelle Faucault says knowledge is power. I would add to that that language is power. The communication of ideas, ideas put to words, intangible thoughts made into reality-thats creation. You can define reality through language. Self expression brings me tremendous freedom. Not that I'm there yet- but I am better than I was.

I forgot what I was talking about. Oh right, power.

I feel power when i am at work, hopefully a benign sense of power from being in a position to help people. People come into my office, my turf, and tell me personal details about their lives and financial situations with the hope that I know what I am doing and am going to be of help. As a staff member of a family resource center I can call agencies and access information and people that ordinarily when I call those same places as a client (such as the welfare office) i get brushed aside. So I have been , well, empowered by this. I can make a difference in peoples lives by being present, and listening, and being good at my job, or I can make a real negative difference if I am sucking at my job and not paying attention.

I also feel powerful when I am surfing, running riding a bike or lifting heavy stuff. Or even if I just cross off eveything from my to do list. :)

this has been really really

Submitted by Awen on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 9:01am.

this has been really really helpful for me, thanks.

pheebo - i doubt you're doing it "wrong" because there is no guidance or education on HOW to do what you're doing. people who have been abused i think often are scared of abusing others, but i don't think you're abusing this woman at work. you're not putting up with her lying and making it a toxic work environemt. and you know, if there isn't a system in place to help you do that, then yeah, you'll make "mistakes" (whatever that means), but the important thing is that you're addressing it and not being a passive victim. i think that's cool. i actually had a boss fired once when i reported all her ineptness. it doesn't matter if you like this person or not, the facts are that they lie. toxic work environment. fired.

i have had jobs where i am helping people get services, too, and what's weird is that i could get more for them than i can for me. i sometimes make all those calls for friends now and the agencies get confused and wonder where i work and stuff, they treat me much better if they think i am "oofficial" and not a friend or GASP the person in need. i feel powerless when i deal with the system.

"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.

Thanks, Awen, your words are

Submitted by Pheepho on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 1:51pm.

Thanks, Awen, your words are reassuring to me. And to avoid hijacking this post with my work issues, just thinking of it this way: as abuse survivors, is there this trinity of roles imprinted in our brains: 1. victim 2. bystander 3. abuser?

So what active role-models do we have? Only one of those roles is active, although the vicim may attempt resistance in varying degrees, generally furtively...

so working within this template, any time we take an active role to effect to change our environment, we see ourselves as the abuser.

For myself, issues around bystanders are huge. It is almost more painful to see myself as a bystander, my rage at the bystanders is almost more intense than at the abuser, or I guess in a way the lines between bystander/abuser are pretty blurred, so my contempt for myself when I see myself as a bystander is what spurs me into taking action, yet an active role is so uncomfortable because associated with the abuser.

What do you guys think? Do we have to search our histories, finding stories of power that don't involve abuse? Where to look?

you have summed up the whole

Submitted by Awen on Sat, 11/13/2010 - 10:01pm.

you have summed up the whole problem i face!

i forgot about bystanders. alot of my abuse took place with people watching and doing nothing. so now i think that taught me that no one will help me, defend me, protect me - maybe that's why i too feel i MUST act when i see injustice.

at one program i went to, they teached that there are 4 styles:

passive (you matter, i don't)

aggressive (i matter, you don't)

passive agressive (i matter you don't - but i am not going to tell you that)

assertive (i matter, you matter)

there are all those books and workshops on getting a win-win situation, on non-violent language, assertiveness, etc. but they don't adress the fear i feel that i will be punished for asserting myself, and my inability to see correctly what's going on in my interactions with people (am i being wrong? are they being wrong? is this safe? am i crazy?). so as someone with PTSD i feel like i need to back up and deal with that.

i did like the forumla that DBT teaches for dealing with difficult people stuff:

"when you (fill in describing with FACTS ONLY)

i feel (name the emotion)

i want (not need) (say the behavior/change)

or i will (state the consequence if they don't follow through - and mean it)"

it's an easy one for me to remember. but i am bad at consequences. i always feel too dependant to make a stand or scared or something.

i guess for me i try to keep in ming my values of harmony and peace and justice. if someone fucks that up, then i am not an abuser in stopping it or saying something - if i remember to discuss the behavior not the person. oh there are too many rules.

"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.

I'm thinking too it helps

Submitted by Pheepho on Sun, 11/14/2010 - 11:22am.

I'm thinking too it helps not to think in black and white. I mean, the minute I cross the line between assertive and aggressive, or if I misjudge the situation or choose my words poorly, I clamp down on myself as if I'm being abusive. But in reality there is a vast, vast difference between being sharp with someone or saying something that comes across as mean, and being abusive. Being abusive is a whole mindset, that infultrates everything a person does, I think. The abuser isn't going around thinking, "oh god, did I say the wrong thing? Did I hurt her feelings?" So I think we have to allow ourselves to say the wrong thing sometimes, be grumpy, defensive, overstate things, inadvertantly make others feel bad, even make enemies, be wrong, but know this is not being abusive. I mean, it's not like I have this figured out, I'm kind of making this up as I go, but I'm realizing this about myself and maybe it is something you relate to, too. Even if I loose my temper at someone, I will never be who "he" was to me, because it was about a really big power differential. Someone may just think, " oh, what's wrong with her?" and then avoid me for the rest of the day, but that really isn't abuse...