Recognizing my pattern.
Submitted by Sarsha on Sun, 01/09/2011 - 2:48amI think having a trigger is like having the ground kicked out from under you. The sun might be shining it can be a beautiful day and all your dishes are done and everything is in order... and then crazy me and my disproportionate emotions slide around unable to find firm ground in the cluttered attic of my head, so full of dusty echoes is it. All of my life and it's bites have left teethmarks across the terrain of my brain and I can't find the pattern that was me anymore, if I ever knew it.
A friend of a friend was driving through town and was staying with me for a few days. I found myself strangely attracted to him, strange because I don't find myself attracted to many people in general. He left without incident but I was a wreck I dissociated badly about conversations i had or hadnt had with this man. Started to feel like I was slipping, falling into psychosisness or some thing... started taking zyprexa again.
I think my own interest in someone (when that someone is a man) is my worst trigger, because of the boyfriend that raped me when I was a teenager. I have avoided relationships with men since then.
I don't have anything to say really i just really don't want to serve a life sentence for a crime I didn't commit. I think I would like to have a partner one day, but i don't know if i can handle what the idea of it does to me.
sarsha you really describe
sarsha
you really describe triggers well. and i can really relate to thedwelling on "conversations i had or hadnt had". i do that kind of stuff all the time. i too would like to have a relationship one day but i seem to attract controlling abusive men so i just steer clear of relationships all together. i give up myself in a relationship and although i am a different person now, i dont know if i would be any different in a relationship and i am not willing to test the waters. right now there is a volunteer at work who keeps hitting on me. he is a very nice man, good looking and i hate to sound i dont know if arrogant is the word, but he doesnt have a job and he rides a bike. i spent twelve years supporting a man. i am not in a position to do that again. i do not have a financial future, i have no retirement or medical insurance. i am going to need a partner who can take care of me financially. so i cant go out with this guy because from my past history, going out equals getting into a relationship, thats just how quickly i seem to get into them. i am unhealthy that way. i hate that people cant accept that i choose to be alone. everybody thinks that i need to get involved in casual sex because i havent had sex in god i dont know 12 + years. but for me, i have sex with someone, once again, it gets me into a relationship. its not worth it to me. i trust that one day the right man will come along but until then i dont need to be under the control of somebody else.
Hey, I think sexual romantic
Hey, I think sexual romantic interest is a huge trigger for me too. I think for anyone who had abuse from another person, sexualized or not, it is triggering. I fight with how I just go into the pattern I have always done - being the accessory, the girl who makes them look good, like I was for my Dad. Now that I am on an antiD and have no sex drive, I feel so much safer. My instincts are not honed for "good men", and I don't know if they can be. I also fear that if I was with a man and stopped being what they want, and there for them, and basing myself and my life on them, I'd kill him. I learned to please to survivie. If I stop pleasing, what if all the rage comes out from all the times I had sex when I didn't want to in the past so I had a place to sleep? My main goal in life is to have a place to live that isn't dependant on me having sex with someone or emotionally caretaking them. So for me, when I think of a relationship, it just immediately goes straight to my abuse/survial issues. I don't know of any other male-female bond, and I also have a sick instinctual attraction to this dynamnic that i hate.
When i have sex with someone it almost always becomes a crazy relationship. I cannot do casual sex, I think after what I have been through sex means to me that we are now a team against the world and a sick team at that. And also on some level I think I want it to be love after all the times it wasn't. I personally am terrified of ever falling for a man again. I don't want to be mistreated and abused again. And I honestly don't think that if I was real with men, who I am really am, they'd be as interested in me.
"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.
Will the spam filter let
Will the spam filter let this go through...tune in next time...
Yes, I was relieved when the meds took away my sex drive. Thank god, I thought. It was my favorite "side effect". I don't trust my radar, but somehow I found releif from my pattern by getting involved with women. Damn to bad luck that I'm not more attracted to women.