Self Care

Submitted by Sarsha on Wed, 08/11/2010 - 11:46am

For me I think physical activity outside is my top favorite self care ativity.

Now I wanna surf! Damn

Submitted by Awen on Wed, 08/11/2010 - 7:54pm.

Now I wanna surf! Damn Cerebal Palsy.

For me, I know going to the gym and playing my iPod and just exercising helps because it gets me out of my head and is such a neutral place for me, it removes all stimuli. Also doing a yoga DVD helps, I am focusing on my movements. It gets me out of my head. (A doctor at a hospital told me "You are frightenly aware of your constant inner process. You need to not be inside your head. Meditate, do art, be in nature!") My daily spiritual routine helps ground me, the process of connecting to the energy of the earth where I am and knowing I belong on earth, I am an animal, I am a piece of moving earth interacting with lots of other earth parts in one whole being that I am alwayus connected to, it makes me feel safe and like something is bigger than my anxiety and fears and worries. It also stops dissociation, I connect into feeling the earth go into my feet. That's a big part of ecopsychology, the only psychology that I think can save the human species. (Voice of the Earth is an AMAZING book that really spells out how insane our species is and how we can be sane again when we know that we belong to the earth again.) Smell helps me - the hippie juniper incense each morning when I make my prayers for the world, or the lavender essential oil at night trigger peace. Drinking water helps me. Chocolate helps me. Cleaning helps me, just sweeping a room lets me focus on something else and then I feel productive for having done it. Showering too, since I can get bored with that and avoid it because it's so dull. Reading doesn't work usually because I cannot focus when in crisis. However shuffling tarot cards calms me down, even if the reading them is impractical. Chanting helps. Drumming too - drumming has been shown to somehow connect to the rhythms in the brain and do physiciologcal changes - it's good for heart ailments and high blood pressure, so it works for anxiety, a hand drum also is good for anger. Going into a different room even helps - I tend to stay in on position frozen and ruminate and forget the break the spell of my worry thoughts.

I don't have one trigger either, after a life time of abuse and stuff, it's all triggering.....

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

Self Care

Submitted by Sarsha on Wed, 08/11/2010 - 9:02pm.

Yes I have this being in my own head problem too.

Drumming sounds really fun. I might break out the pots and pans, heh heh, sorry neighbors.

Water, check.

chocolate, check.

Art doesn't bring me out of my head. I go deeper in until I'm finished.

I just got a yoga dvd! Haven't tried it.

Talking to friends is good...up until a certain point, and then I need alone time.

My cat. I love my cat. We understand eachother.

Yummy food. Food that is nourishing, colorful, delicious and textureish (?) and if I am full or not hungry then tea. There are about a zillion different teas in the world. Tea can be hot on a cold day and cold on a hot day. Mmmm Tea. I like chamomile mint best, in case you were wondering.It also has a "nurturing" association in my mind, like something someone offers you when you don't feel good. So I make myself tea and feel like I care about me.

Um, that said, I think I'l go make some hot chocolate. mmmm warm drinkable chocolate.

Last night I drummed for the

Submitted by Awen on Thu, 08/12/2010 - 8:41am.

Last night I drummed for the first time in AGES! Because I had said I did so I thought oh yeah do it.

I sat in the sunroom and watched the bats eating my enemy the mosquitos and I pounded out these weird non-rhtyms of banging for them to encourage them and I tried to base what I did on what they did. It was fun!

I also made a list of distractions, one the my fave DBT skills. You just list things that you like to do or that help and then have that list near by when you start to get into an emotionally dangerous state. So I have "do dishes, drum, do yoga DVD, cut toe nails" etc. Because one thing the DBT program helped me see is that trying to find a solution - "fixing" - is a bad thing to do - It gets me all obsessive and caught in the problem, when i need to detach and deesculate my intensity. Sometimes i get so into healing, I am obsessively doing workbooks and reading and nothing exists aside from PTSD and I am sure I can hunt it down and fix it, and i end up hospitalizaed because I have hermed myself with lack of self care, even though at the time, it feels like I am lovoing myself and being caring....

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

Good point! I do that too. I

Submitted by Sarsha on Thu, 08/12/2010 - 11:22am.

Good point! I do that too. I even have kind of forgot that I was supposed to be job hunting, and a great job as a homeless outreach coordinator just passed me by-I didn't turn in the resume. Whoops.

Glad you had fun drumming! Heres one more for my list:

Running. Every cell in my body breathes when I run, even if my lungs feel out of breath for a bit. Ultimately it clears my mind and reconnects me with my neighborhood besides. I like to notice what people do with their yards, particularly because I do landscaping. Where I live there is always some sortof flower blooming at any point in the year. I run past the cows and goats and baby sheep and chickens and watch the queen annes lace give way to purple lavender and california poppies. The fog settes around the mountain tops and creeps low over the distant town. Sure is pretty here.

Yeah! That's why i like

Submitted by Awen on Thu, 08/12/2010 - 12:22pm.

Yeah! That's why i like walking - To see the regular changes of the seasons, what birds are here, what trees are in bloom, etc - It gets me to think of something outside of me.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

I have just had something

Submitted by Pheepho on Thu, 08/12/2010 - 9:58pm.

I have just had something really bad happen at work. I guess this is my first tangible negative event since I started weaning antidepressants. Where I can hear my pdoc, who I no longer listen to, telling me not to dwell on it and to kind of rationalize it away and move on, I've decided to do it my way. I'm going to dwell on it. Because it was bad, and it happened, and there's no point pretending it didn't happen. It makes me feel sick, but I need to process this. Fuck it, stuff really hurts when your a real person. Thankfully I have one good friend at work who helped me through some of it. I think it made her feel bad about it too though. I will try to do some self-care but it is a bit hard, I'm not sure what I will have the heart for. What I like to do, is I LOVE to draw and paint. A while ago, it was such an introspective process that I couldn't handle it that well, but lately my art has become more outrospective. I spent a lot of time looking at art online, certain periods of history that I like and so forth, and this kind of brought my art into perspective and made it feel connected to other artists throught history and made it feel less isolated. Also, I joined an support group for creative women and we meet once a month and talk about projects we are working on, or issues that have us stuck, or whatever, and that really helped. I think it made what I do seem like it has a context in the real world instead of just me stuck in my head.

Eating regular meals helps. Taking the time to cook for myself really helps. I like to spend lots of time alone and I really like this, but I also have to balance this with getting out or it gets too much. I take myself out for coffee and sit and read or write, or I make a little trip somewhere and make it an event (ie to the bookstore), just to get out. I have a few good friends that I talk to on the phone because they're out of town. Sometimes I meet up with people I know, but some of my friendships haven't been so great lately. I like to read. When I am depressed I find it hard to read something new, so I read the 7 Harry Potter books over and over again. Sometimes it is tedious, but the familiarity is comforting and I often read new things in them because I think there is a lot of depth in the books and I know she had a battle with depression. I basically credit these books with having got me through zyprexa withdrawal. It was all I could read, and the only thing that took my mind off how bad I felt. When I am feeling better I read new books, mosty novels. I have a dog and that is my main source of excercise. I generally walk her 2 hours a day. It's not optional and it gets me out in all weathers. It forces me to find nature in the middle of the city, and to get up early and to focus and not day dream because I have to keep tabs on her and what she is doing. She is physically very beautifully and kind of comical. When she breaks into a run her legs go in all directions at once, and everyone thinks she is a puppy. When we are out alone together in the early morning, she sometimes breaks into a run and runs in a big circle as fast as she can go. She just does it for the joy of it. It makes me smile. I sometimes think I need to find more physical activity than this, especially after reading about what you do, Sarsha. I have a bike I haven't used all summer so I may get it out this weekend.

I'm sure I will think of other things, but that's all for now. It helped to take my mind off what happened at work, for a bit. It really hurts but I think I have to do this my way and not sweep it under the carpet. I haven't felt this way since my old dog died. It's just something that I have to go through. I don't want to talk to any of my friends or colleagues who are just going to try to make me "feel better". Because it is just empty and lies. I am okay, I think I just need to experience grief and pain and come out the other side. Will come back here later.

Everyone has different ways

Submitted by Sarsha on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 12:00am.

Everyone has different ways of processing things. I don't think its healthy to dwell, but mabe we all have different levels/personal timing for processing and what is "dwelling" for one person is completely within the healthy range of processing for another. I'm a lengthy processer myself. If you feel like talking about it I'm listening (in a reading sort of a way). My ex therapist said I sweep stuff under the rug too much and need to let myself feel, notice what I'm feeling and why I am feeling it. Shes a smart lady, so I pass that on to you.

I love dogs! I want a dog so so so much! I can just picture your pup running in circles... mostly because I just finished dogsitting for the weekend and taking him to the river was to be in the presence of bliss. We humans have much to learn from a dog in an open space.

I'd love to see more of both of y'alls artwork too. I just noticed that at the top of any page in the Book Club Forum is a link to a Gallery where we can post images. Theres a Wiki section too, where we can we can post helpful concepts or language as we learn them or that we already know and want to share.

Another Self Care Item

Icarus and especially this book club. I am so grateful to you all for your continued presence here and wish you all health and wellness.

Yeah, I think I sometimes

Submitted by Pheepho on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 10:45am.

Yeah, I think I sometimes use words ironically without even knowing I am doing it, so I am sometimes not understood. i think you expressed it well, though. I used the word "dwell" because I think that's how my pdoc and perhaps others might regard it, but for me it is a matter of processing in my own way and taking my time. I think dwelling is unhealthy, if you are forcing your mind back to something unpleasant and feel guilty when you are distracted from some tragedy or grief. I think my history in the last number of years has been to pass over things and not really process, because I was quite medicated and removed from things, and this is what my pdoc encouraged me to do. Then when stuff would crop up a few years after the fact, like I was dwelling on some past grief, it would be "why are you thinking about that now? Put that out of your mind." Whereas, it was actually an important clue that I wasn't processing stuff, and it was just becoming this huge phantom limb that was weighing me down. Lately I've been allowing myself more tears, and someone might look at me and say,"you're going off your antidepressants and you're going in a downward spiral. You're heading for depression." But I don't think I am. i think I'm okay. I think being numbed out wasn't working anymore. I don't think I'm depressed. Sadness is not necessarily a disease. Nobody uses the word sad anymore.

I recently met a singer named Svavar Knutur. I may be spelling it wrong. On his myspace page he talks about the healing power of sorrow. What a radical idea. This may not be a helpful idea for someone trying to pull themselves out of depression, but to me it was kind of a freeing idea. I think he said, it is healing as long as there is no regret. Regret = blaming yourself, so that is not helpful. But maybe sometimes we just need to feel sorrow. This is just where I am at right now.

Thanks to everyone here for listening and just being there and sharing your stories. You 3 and other Icaristas give me a lot of strength. It's a little secret that helps me through my day. Will post some pictures as soon as I get organized in that way. Also pics of the beautiful dog, so you know why I get up in the morning.

I am so sorry you had a hard

Submitted by Awen on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 12:19pm.

I am so sorry you had a hard time at work.

I had that same pdoc I think! :) I would be told to not think and just do drugs. Now I have learned I need to know and own my story, my truth, but I also have to learn to think about it in a way that helps me. When I dwell and get into this whole "the world is bad, they are bad, I am bad" hopeless anger/grief I make myself sick. CBT really worked for that. (cognitive behavioral therapy) where yoou basically divide a piece of paper into 4 columns horozontally. The in the first one I put the event - the fact. Ex: The mail man gave me a weird look and when I checked the mail I found some pagan magazine. Then in the second column I put my belief - the thought I have about this. Ex: He is a born again Christian and hates me and he's going to have my house burned down and mom will lose her job at the church. The third column I put the emotional and physical consequences. Ex: Fear, shame, guilt, anger. Hidng in bed, afraid to go outside. The last column I try to come up with a balanced accurate thought for what's going on. I identify what ANT (automatic negative thought) I had, what the distortion was. There are 10: mindreading, black and white thinking, minimizing, jumping to conclusions, shoulds, labeling, and a few others. So I can see I was jumping to conclusions and mind reading and catastrophizing. That's not helpful for dealing with this or being stable. So then I write the balanced thought. Ex: I have no idea what the mail man normally looks like at people. I have no idea what his religion is. I have no idea if he paid attention to my mail. I don't know what sort of day he's having. I have no facts for this fear. My mom cannot lose her job because I am Pagan. Most people I meet are fine with me being Pagan. I am safe.

The theory with CBT - and all the trauma therapies now are CBT based because it's all that is proven to work - is that you have to challenge the thinking because thoughts create emotions which create actions. I had a hard time with that, but it is not necessarily what happens that causes us to feel what we feel, but our interpretation of it (thoughts) and everyone has different thoughts about the same event. If you change the thought then the emotional reaction changes and the actions are different, and a pattern is broken and we are free from triggers and phobias and stuff. It's just about challenging our beliefs about our lives, our relationships, our world, ourselves, to ones that are real and work for us.

I hated this at first because I thought they were teaching me to think my feelings away - But what serves me most? To be paranoid or self hateful in my way of seeing events or to be more realistic and curious? CBT is a basic skill - It's really nothing but that worksheet in different layouts, and you just practice it whenever you get a thought that is upsetting. It saved me from lying in bed deciding that the world hated me and I was worthless.

It works for trauma because it helps me to see that even though once I was raped, it dooesn't mean that ALL situations are that one, even if I am triggered.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

Oh, but CBT doesn't tell you

Submitted by Awen on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 12:22pm.

Oh, but CBT doesn't tell you to make a pollyanna happy new thought/belief - It has to be realistic and you have to believe it.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

I did have 4 months of

Submitted by Pheepho on Fri, 08/13/2010 - 10:27pm.

I did have 4 months of CBT. I wasn't sure if it helped me or not, I liked seeing him and I did really improve around that time, but it coincided with me realizing that my AD's were making me feel crappy in the morning, and I then discovered that if I split up the dose and took it several hours apart then I didn't feel like the world was ending every morning. That was a pretty much instantaneous improvement in my life, which overshadowed everything else, and almost eliminated my "morning depression" which had caused me to be referred to him. and I guess when he saw this radical improvement in me he felt like the therapy was a huge success, even though I did talk about the medication issue. None of my mental health professionals seemed to really grasp the intensity of the side effects I was experiencing. Things started to get better at that point on, so there was less motivation to stick with the excercises. Still, you're making me realize there may be an application of these excercises to what I'm experiencing now, which is different from what I was experiencing then. But I don't know if I could just pick up the excercises. Maybe I had too much a sense of going through the motions and filling in the blanks. You seem to feel it's really helped you, though, which makes me think I should revisit it. My issues aren't as bad now, but I do get really emotional at work, and my reactions seem to be out of proportion so possibly me responding to triggers. Sometimes I feel like I don't have enough insight at this point to maybe work through these excercises on my own. Although I do remember discussing with him that one of my schemas was that authority couldn't be trusted, and as I'm writing this I'm thinking maybe I need to focus on that schema more, because it's really the source of my rage and bitterness, which is kind of blinding me so that I am not focusing well at work. How long did you spend working on this before you could do the excercises successfully on your own? Do you ever feel just stuck, like my anger is 100% justified and there's no other way to look at it? Because that schema just seems as big as a mountain. How in hell am I going to talk myself out of feeling authority can't be trusted? Well I guess it's really about powerlessness isn't it? I'm realizing as I read what I've written, the full schema is: authority can't be trusted, and I'm powerless against it. When I went in for the CBT, I never discussed the trauma, I told him there was something in my past but I didn't think 16 weeks was enough to fill him in so that he would really be able to get it and work with me. He was okay with that and didn't push me, which made me like him more. We just focused on anxieties I was having in the present day without specific references to the past, other than really generally, " I feel I am a bad person." Do you think it is necessary, for them to know the nature of your trauma? Well, you've got me thinking again, and maybe this is something to revisit.

I guess also, I am going through AD withdrawal, and I'm kind of realizing that I wasn't paying enough attention to that area. In otherwords, the tapering was going well, and I was feeling good, and I kind of wasn't prepared for things to get rocky, or be really careful with my emotions, or source out enough support for that process. I guess what happened this week, which I can't even really share, I don't know. It could have been some flukey event that would have happened anyway, or it could have happened because of the withdrawal, because I was overly emotional and therefore not as thoughtful. It's something I feel really really sad about. This is something I will carry with me the rest of my life. It's just this horrible lesson(?) or I'm trying to see it as a lesson because it's a way not to hate myself for it and just crawl away somewhere to die. Maybe if I just had continued to take my meds like a little robot this would never have happened. But then, I wasn't sleeping, and I needed to wean off stuff to correct that. It's really hard to have perpective on it. I wouldn't talk about it (the incident) with anyone outside my field because they wouldn't get it. I have one friend at work I've talked to about it, but I am scared to lean too much on her because...I don't know. I guess because i haven't filled her in on the meds stuff, and although she likes me and has been supportive, it seems like a lot to lay on someone at once. It's hard to talk about the incident without bringing that into it. I may call her later this weekend.

I'm actually coping fairly well, though. I don't know why I say that even, because when I think of it part of me wants to die, but I guess I know enough of me wants to live that I wont go there. Because me disappearing wont make it better, really nothing will ever make it better, it is just a sadness I will have to carry with me forever. Some things just can never be erased, and would I respect myself if I tried to erase it? I just want to be a better person from now on. I have no where else to say these things right now.

I didn't sleep last night, and I'm uncertain if I will sleep tonight, but I am reluctant to knock myself out with a bunch of sedatives. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I think I will just ride it out for now. If I'm not sleeping by Sunday night, I'm going to have to make myself sleep. And/or call in sick. The shit of illicit medication withdrawal is I can't get a doctors note, but it likely wont come to that. I just have to figure this out by living it. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad. Because when I see happy people on the street it lifts me up. Things distract me and I am lifted up. I think the world will take care of me. What a foolish thing to say, but I somehow feel that.

Do I need to take a week off to sort myself out? maybe. Some part of me feels if I stay away too long, I'll have trouble going back. Thank god its the weekend so I can sort this out.

Paula, I hope you are

Submitted by Sarsha on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 11:49am.

Paula, I hope you are getting some perspective on your situation. I have discussed the method Awen mentioned with friends of mine and asked them the same question- What if I am RIGHT to be so angry? What if the situation is EXACTLY the way I perceive it? They told me that the point was to suspend your belief system for a bit and challenge yourself to find other possibilities, empathize, and check your reality. Not that you give up the justified anger. Easier said then done, I know. Awen, what is the light green dbt work book for handling intense emotions that yuou mentioned in another thread? I think I'd like to check it out. Also, I have just ordered a book by cheri huber called Being Present in the Darkness about using depression/sadness as a tool for self discovery and spiritual growth. I'm starting to really question why i rely so heavily on books rather than other methods. I think I do it to avoid sharing my most vulnerable self with others. But also books are so much more accessible than people or programs. They stay put, if I buy them. Barbara Kingsolver wrote that people are like library books. I forget exactly how she put it but the gist is that everyone goes back on the shelf eventually. I am back to square one in search of aa new psychiatrist and therapist and old seething anger over the loss of people in my life is quietly creating a wall of stubborness between me and reaching out to others. Since Iwas a kid and moving around once a year at least, leaving family behind and friends over andover again I began retreating from the world by reading. It is both my self care strategy and my self sabotage. I'm trying to think outside my brain more. You all are so pro active in finding new solutions, it really inspires me not to fall into old patterns. Those are todays thoughts. Signing out.

I wish it wouldn't indent

Submitted by Sarsha on Sat, 08/14/2010 - 11:51am.

I wish it wouldn't indent every time we reply.

I personally resisted CBT

Submitted by Awen on Sun, 08/15/2010 - 10:42am.

I personally resisted CBT for about 6 years of having it offered to me. I read the books and stuff, but I thought they were trying to make me change my emotions and ignore them and my reality.

What if you have every right to be that angry? Hmmm. OK, if it is anger because someone killed your dog, then yeah you have every right to be that angry. But the question DBT taught me is "How is this effective?" DBT makes it very clear that the world is not and will never be fair or right or just and that being angry and sad that it isn't just screws me up. Radical acceptance is what helped me. It doesn't matter if I like that my dad is not going to be a dad, but I have to accept that if I want to be happy one day. Dwelling on all the shitty things he does kepts me stuck. How is that effective? What is my goal? My goal is to be healthy and self loving and at peace and enjoy life. Does dwelling on the pain make that happen? No. But neither does denial of the situation.

So CBT is about a balanced statement. My Dad is how he is. I can choose to believe I am bad because of it, or that all men are bad, or that I cannot be loved, or that the world isn't reliable, or a million other things if I base my whole view of the world on that relationship or incident, butt hey don't help me. So I check for a balanced thought. My Dad is not what I need in a father and harms me, and there are other people who love me, and I am learning ways to heal myself and provide what my dad didn't. That way I am not denying the pain or anger - but I am seeing the whole balanced picture. Distorted thinking is the cause for most trouble in life. Beliefs that limit us. And those beliefs often come from trauma.

Yeah there are times I cannot change the belief, usually the one that no one can help me and I am unsafe. The feeling is so intense that even when I try to list all the things that show I am safe now or that people have helped me, I cannot really acknolwedge it because I am so scared, to let do of my fear would make me vulnerable (so the dostortions tell me). Sometimes it is too scary to let go of my reality even when it is inaccurate.

But you can do stuff like list any authorities you have trusted and it was good, like if you eat vegatbles, you are trusting some scientist. If you use soap, you are trusting whoever decided there are germs. If you floss, etc. Which is proof (CBT is all about truth) that you do trust some authorities and prooof that it worked out pretty well. It is the challenge to that schema.

believe me, I screamed at therapists who wanted to do DBt or CBT, I felt they were avoiding the trauma's reality. I don't know if they need to know your trauma. The DBT program didn't know much about me and I was helped SO MUCH by the skills. The focus isn't on what caused the problem, but on using the skills as a solution.

So your anger may be justifiable, but is the way you are working it helping you? That's the question. CBT stands for cognitive behavioral - so it isn't just about challenging thoughts, it is about challenging behavior. How is what you do when you have these thoughts/feelings working for you? One thing I learned in CBT group was to keep the goal in mind. Is it to be proven right, or to be happy? I used to think my rightness, my innocence, had to be acknowledged to be happy. But when I stopped waiting for abusers to understand and validate me, I could be free and happy. Radical acceptance says Hey this is how it is and I don't have much power over that. What can I do to take care of my needs in this? So you are free that way, you are not stuck trying to get "justice". (I was obsessed with justice and fairness.) The world most likely is never going to acknowledge my pain enough for me to feel it is enough. Odds are no doctor will validate for me what I have been through with medications. But if I make my goal "I want a doctor to admit that the meds hurt me" I am really losing my power. If I make my goal, "I want to feel good" and then work from there and just deal with the doctors my own way, I am free.

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake

Awen, somehow everything you

Submitted by Pheepho on Sun, 08/15/2010 - 12:14pm.

Awen, somehow everything you say is so bang on, have you ever thought of writing a book? You just handed me the key right there. I do so often want to be right. I need to be right to be content, even if it means I've predicted something terrible. I am waiting for validation that may never come. In the heirarchy at work, I am under a couple people who I think do a terrible job, and I spend so much time being angry at them. The one guy, the more critical of him I am, the less flexible he is in responding to my suggestions, and it's just this battle that takes so much of my energy and goes no where. He is not going to change. So I guess I have to go about accepting that. He's not likely to leave, and if he goes elsewhere he'll just be messing up elsewhere. It is not my responsibility if he does a bad job. Maybe I just have to leave the room for 5 minutes when it gets too intense. Maybe I can learn how to articulate my concerns to him more calmly, but whether or not he chooses to listen is beyond my control. I need to focus more on my own job. If I do my job really well that's the best I can do. I'm thinking right now I have to use some distraction techniques when this happens. Or something. I just can't get into my head, listing the way he has failed. it kind of makes me feel like a bad person, too, going through my day as such a vicious critic. i don't want to be someone who validates themselves this way. i think the guilt weighs me down at the end of the day, as well. I think guilt is something that handcuffs me, too, because when I perceive my bosses faults I feel like it reflects badly on me, and this sets up conflict. I would like to work for someone I have more respect for, but a good situation isn't all that easy to find. I can't hold myself responsible for these people.

Re: anxiety...I remember in CBT the dr talking about the useful element to anxiety, for example, it makes you double check things you have done, did I turn off the burner, etc. and being prepared, ie, if she asks me such and such I already know what I will say because I have played it out in my mind, stuff like that. I guess these things are adaptive, and we are programmed not to let down this protective guard. Maybe it's sometimes a sense of all or nothing, like if you are holding on to something for dear life and your hand is cramping, you may want to relax your grip a bit. But you're afraid. if you let go a little, you might let go completely, and then you'll fall. I think that's the way it was at times with my anxiety and also my anger. I feel, if I let down my guard around authority figures, I'll just become puddy in their hands, I'll find myself just completely coerced and controlled. I either turn off the critic completely and then I'm not monitoring at all, or I am eaten alive by the critc. How do you learn to do things by halves? For now I'm going to try to distract. I'm not tied to a desk, so I can sometimes leave the room for 5 minutes, just find some task to do till I get calmer.

Do things by halves? I

Submitted by Awen on Sun, 08/15/2010 - 7:19pm.

Do things by halves? I think you have me confused with someone else! LOL! Really I have such a hard time with that, my exhusband used to say I was too passionate, and it is true I am pretty extreme in my feelings, that is what DBT helps me with. When things hurt they HURT and when I am mad I am MAD and when I am scared I am SCARED. The CBt reality checks help. If I just went by what I feel as truth - well, I know that hasn't helped me at all!!!!

I am glad what I am sharing helps. It helped me when I learned it. Radical acceptance really unlocked a lot for me. It is what it is. So what do I want to do about that? Etc.

Oh I am sleepy. I did an all day tarot workshop yesterday with a tarot master and I have never taken a tarot class before (in spite of doing tarot for 26 years), and I was just all talkitive and excited and expert-y which is nice, I rarely am around anyone who understands what I do all day, but I am beat - I am so rarely with people!

Have a nice night!

If we stay with this htread will the margin indent til it is one letter?

"When I tell the truth, it is not for the sake of convincing those who do not know it, but for the sake of defending those that do." -William Blake