Telling My Story
Submitted by Awen on Sun, 11/21/2010 - 10:48amI really support people in NOT telling their story of trauma, because telling the wrong people sucks. I have tried to tell my story to so many therapists but their reactions were devestating: "I am sorry, but what part of that was traumatic?" "You must have felt like a really bad person" or their sobbing or cringing....
Telling my story though has been helpful lately. Because I am finding safe people - and I also have the skills to self soothe. Before I would try to tell my story to friends and they had no fucking idea what to say and what they did say usually made me feel worse and then we stopped being friends. (I am guessing some of you are nodding.) With my Mom's help, I am learning who to tell the story to - and what reactions are appropriate and helpful and which ones to walk away from asap. My Mom always says safety first. She finally one day said "Why are you trying to get validation from people who don't get what you're talking about and maybe haven't dealt with their own trauma issues? Why do you think your friends will know what to say to help?"
With Dennis my ACT therapist (whom I foud out teaches grad level psychology at the Einstein School!), I have done three weeks of intake and am at age 27 in the story. It feels GOOD, really good. Because other therapists would hear that I married a guy I knew for a week or that I moved so much or whatvere and think I was crazy. But with Dennis hearing thr whole story, yesterday he said "There is a theme the whole time of a great aesthetic and philosophical/political awareness that propels you through life - as you have no parents and are self parenting and trying to figure out the right thing to do in life. So these decisions make a lot of sense and there is a real constistnacy."
Dennis lived in London in 1990-1991 when I did and was part of the poitical movement I was, oddly enough. He's Buddhist so he knows what I am talking about when I talk about how Buddhism fucked me up. he knows the bands I like. So there is a cultural thing that makes this safer - Other therapists, they don't know what squatting is, they don't understand punk rock, they don't understand Buddhism. They simplify me into their training. I now see why the culture of your therapist is important - If they don't know your world, they will judge it compared to theirs. This is why a Nat Am person really needs a Nat Am therapist etc.
There are some powerful things happening now that I have safe place to tell my truths. One is that I am aware that oh yes this was abusive and traumatic, and the fear I have that people will say "It's no big deal" is unfounded - As I hear myself say stuff and think about if someone else was saying this how I would react, it has changed my view of my life. I don't feel like a wimp or a bad person for this happening to me.
The other unexpected thing is how I see ME. I am proud of me. Because I tell my life story, there is abuse but then there is nonprofit work and quitting heroin and getting a degree and stuff. There is a lot of figuring things out for myself, of raising myself - and I did a good job! In spite of trauma - There is a ME, living by her philosophical/political ideals in the midst of trauma. I really was NOT formed by trauma. I am more than PTSD. I like myself a lot more now that I am talking. I can see I am a good person. The shame is fading.
But telling the wrong people made the shame a lot worse.
Doing my intake at the Domestic Violence Center last week was really trippy too because I heard myself making EXCUSES for the abusers, about their childhoods and stuff. I also realized that somehow I thought what they did was Ok. The woman was saying how awful they are and I was kinda defending them. This shocked me. When I told her about my boyfriend beating me for not being feminist enough and I laughed and said "he was crazy, what do you say to that?" and she said "Abusers don't need reasons to abuse, you cannot reason with them - they have an internal need to abuse that has nothing to do with you" I was so relieved but also it's hard to sink that in. There's still some part of me that thinks I am responsibile. So having this strong feminist tell me what I'd tell someone else was great for me.
But I don't think I could have done this without all the skills learning and trauma reading I have done. So I think the value of telling is determined by WHO you tell and their skills and knowledge about trauma and also by whyat skills you have to handle what comes up afterwards and what support you have afterwards for processing that stuff. If anyone tells you anything other than "it is not your fault" I say get away!
Ok, I just lost a post by
Ok, I just lost a post by hitting the wrong key...
This is a really good topic, Awen. I'm am so glad you are having a good experience with telling your story. I am in the process of finding a new pdoc so this is a hot topic for me, going through the whole history taking stuff. Thanks for posting this because I need to prepare mentally for kind of fencing with the people who want me to disclose...will come back to this in a bit. Wrote out some thoughts but now they have vanished, so I need to come back later.
Oh, and I am okay with your
Oh, and I am okay with your male friend being invited into the group, but if the other members are not comfortable, I will respect that as well.
On meeting a new drug doctor
When I see any doctor (even foot doctors) and I say I have PTSD they usually ask "what was the trauma?" and it recently dawned on me that I don't have to tell them, so now I say, "It's not helpful for me to discuss it, thank you" and then move on. And it makes the appointment easier because I am not triggered and thus I am functional.
When you see a new pdoc, they should understand if you tell them, "I don't want to go into details right now because it triggers me to tell my story to people I don't know very well yet, as I am sure you understand (add that part!) and I don't really have the support necessary in my lifer to help me with the fallout from disclosing right now. So I can answer some questions generally, but some I may have to wait to answer until we develop a closer relationship." Then you sound all educated and helpful - and like you're cooperating, not shutting the door in their face, and that you are expecting a long relationship. This makes them happy. And you can just say things like "Incest father age 4 to 8, that's all I can handle saying right now, I am sure you understand." and if it gets too intense at any point, you can simply say "I am very triggered and to keep myself safe I am going to have to end this and take a moment to focus on my breath. can we discuss something else more neutral now?" Again now you look responsible, not uncooperative. You can even say when the pdoc first asks questions, "I am highly triggered by talking about the trauma and get feelings of terror and shame and anger and grief that I am not very good at working with, so for US to help me stay safe, WE may have to stop this conversation because I don't want to retraumatize myself by reliving the story without having the proper supports in place for when I am home alone with these feelings." or something like "I am at a stage in my recovery work that telling my story triggers me and i am left with a lot of fall out afterwards that I am not at this time able to process well on my own without causing insomnia, missing work, etc, so for me to be safe, I will need to stick to generalarities. I just wanted you to know that I am not being noncompliant, but honoring my own recovery process, and as we develop a relationship I expect I will be able to disclose more to you because I want this to be a good working relationship." or "I know you need information to help me, but some information triggers me and I don't have much support or skills yet for handling that well. Let's work together to find a way to get you the information you need without retraumatizing me."
You could even write a timeline of signicant abuse or trauma, a vague description etc and ask that you don't discuss much, unless they have a question for clarifying something, and hand them the list saying "I feel triggered telling someone I just met about my traumas, and it is easier to give you this list." Even if they say no, yoou can read from the list.
KEEP BREATHING. Say Icarus to yourself silently and think of telling us about the apppointment.
Another great thing - Bring someone who loves you! Someone whom you know wouldn't let you get hurt. Have them hold your hand when you say all this.
It helps to tell them stuff like "I really want to work with you and I want to heal, but as I am sure you understand, with PTSD trust can be very hard. Please know it took a lot for me to come here and I am very scared, even though I understand that YOU did not hurt me. like anyone with PTSD, part of my recovery is based on feeling some control in my life again, however this does not mean I'll be noncompliant. I just may take some time with getting to know you. I just know from previous experience with telling my story, I am going to be triggered working with you and if we can both be sensitive to that, then I think we'll do great together."
You can be blunt and say "I get triggered really easily when I tell my story. Do you have any suggestions for ways we can keep it safe? can I tell you when I am feeling we've gone too far and I need to back away from the trauma?" You look all cooperative now.
If the pdoc has a problem with this and says "No, you have to do it my way, fuck your PTSD" then they are a terrible doctor and run.
Also you can write down the preamble you want to say and read it to them. That shows you are prepared and trying to find ways to handle the PTSD. If they ask why you are reading say "Sometimes I dissociate or get so scared I forget things, so I wanted to be able to give you the information you'd need. This way I know I am telling you the right information because I wrote it down when I wasn't triggered." Or add that to the written preamble to say to them. I write down A LOT before each appointment with anyone new, like what is helpful and what's harmful, what my goals are, what i have tried and the results of that, and what symptoms I have. Then all the factual stuff is THERE. I have kept a drug log - It's never too late, just list anything you've taken and dose and the combos and the time period and any side effects and if they helped - For the past ones, just write anything you remember. Then you can say "Would you like to xerox this for my chart?" and you look AWESOME. They might say "No, why don't you read it to me," but they LOVE getting info and not starting from scratch.
They will possibly ask "Why do you think you have PTSD?" or "Who told you you have PTSD?" This is NOT because they don't trust you - so don't be scared. It's just like if you saw a dermatologist for a rash and told them it was hives from strawberries, they will ask who told you that. They want to make sure they are working with the right information. So don't feel insulted (I used to, I thought they thought I was a liar!). They might ask questions there is no way to answer like "Why did that nurse think you had PTSD?" and you cannot really say "Why the hell would I know that she was thinking?" (believe me) but you can say "I am not sure" and maybe tell the pdoc about what you were like when you saw the nurse. "I was crying a lot and I felt like a little girl."
It really helps if you can talk in their language. So if you are pretty sure it is PTSD, use the right terms, like trigger, dissociation, and flashback. "Sometimes suddenly I'll just feel terrified like something awful is about to happen but there's no reason to" or "When I see violence on Tv I lose track of time and space out for a while, it's like I leave my body/the room" or "I think I am hypervigiliant - I spend a lot of time in bed staring at the door worrying someone is in the house". This way you're getting them on the right track.
You can also say stuff like "I have always been very anxious and then I read this book Trauma and Recovery (or whatever book) and I saw a lot of myself in it, which made me feel more normal as i saw there is a reason I am so scared, and I wanted to see you for some guidance."
You can also say what meds you will NOT take - legally you get to decide. So you can say "I have a friend with tardive dyskinesia (me!) and I would rather not take any antipsychotics, at least not until we've exhausted other avenues first. (see, you're being open minded so they will be ok with this, don't argue about TD stats with them, just get them to prescrube other drugs). Also I am worried about the dependancy issues with the benzos and if you suggest them, I'd like to make sure that you will moniter the dose so I do not become addicted." Then you look super educated- and not like a drug addict! They LOVE people who don't want addictive drugs, because people do show up and say they have PTSD to scam for pills. You can tell him you've been hearing about blood pressure lowerers for PTSD and insomnia like Clonidine and Prazosin and wondered if they thought those might help you, or whatever you want to discuss. Showing that you're up on meds makes them shape up FAST. But don't get too controling - say "What do you think of those drugs?" and let them explain. "Friends taking Ambien for insomnia have told me they make phone calls and emails they don't remember the next day. I am worried about this happening to me. What do you think?"
make sure to ask what to do if "in the rare event" you start having side effects like a rash, shaking, anxiety attacks, sleeping too much, etc. Is there an on call doctor? Will the pdoc be paged? Because you want to "work with this pdoc and form a partnership".
Ask for the science of the drugs too - what is it going to do to you and why is that going to help? You can ask how long it has been on the market and stuff like that.
Bring a notebook and write it all down. You're a consumer! Or have your advocate friend write it all down.
You can also ask what programs the pdoc knows of for trauma recovery, ask about DBT skills, support groups, educational skills groups, whatever. Then they see you are not just looking for drugs to be a quickfix and you know how in touch with the community they are. What books do they recommend, stuff like that.
You are SHOPPING, you decide if they are hired. You haven't hired them YET and they cannot harm you. It's a consultation, tell yourself that. It's like a constractor, you're getting estimates, asking how they would solve this problem, what the risks are, what there education is, etc.
make a list of your questions for them! Bring a LIST of everything you need to tell them and everything you need to ask them. You are a consumer!
Well that's a long list.....
When you do get scripts - if you do - ask what side effects to watch for and what to do if they happen and if there is a transitioning phase ask what the drug will feel like - Tell them it is so you know how to plan that week, like for driving safety.
"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.
Thanks Awen, that's some
Thanks Awen, that's some helpful information. It helped to read over what you said about disclosing.
What i think I had written, which got erased, is when mentioning abuse to the recent pdoc, after I articulated that I didn't want to go into the details, I was asked, "physical or sexual?" I guess i find it very disturbing when people are trying to define me, in terms of parameters that don't fit. At all. By people who are supposed to understand the way the mind works.
So although there were elements of both in my history, I am troubled by how emotional abuse was not on the list, and that is the part that scarred me most deeply and made me vulnerable to the other things.
But I never process these things at the time, so I can only deal with these things if I am anticipating their questions. So, my history includes: neglect, isolation, mind control, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse, varying shades of each. And yet they want me to chose a tick box on their list.
So, next time I will be prepared..."my history doesn't fit neatly into any one catagory, and it is something I discuss in situations where a trust relationship has been built, and then only if I think disclosure will help me rather than trigger me, so I don't think I can answer that. Can you explain how narrowing my experience to fit those catagories will help you to help me?"
Yeah, I know, a bit abrassive, but whatever. I'll work on it.
Anyway, glad you found someone who can really listen, Awen.
Oh I haven't found someone
Oh I haven't found someone who can listen yet! But I am much better at talking! I know how to communicate with them. in ways that don't alientate them or harm me now. I am not scared as I was - I feel like an adult and equal. I know I can walk, they have no power. I am just information gathering and so are they.
"Sexual or physical?" I say "Both, different people." I don't think they want to put you in a box, but if it is sexual then they might understand why you get pain during sex or if physical why you have constant backaches if later you tell them about that. The more information they have in detail the easier it is to fit stuff together. I think that emotional abuse and mind fucking is a given if the abuse is someone you were in relationship with for longer than a random mugging. So you can "My father lied about xyz a lot and it made me feel like a bad person" or "My Mom threatened me a lot with things like leaving me at the store or hitting me with a stick. she didn't do it. However I was terrified of the day it would." You can say "Sexual and physical, but the verbal abuse seems to have affected me a lot more." If they ask "How?" which they have to so they know what's going on (we can assume that they should know - but everyone has different responses to the same traumas) you can just say "Shame" or "Trust issues". Short and specific. You can just say stuff like "I was in foster care from age 4 to 5 because my mom drank" and they might not ask anything more. The thing is, you just want to give them enough so they understand what is happening - if they don't know they cannot get the medications right or a diagnosis that will help you. (Well, actually, they might not be able to do that if you give them information, but the odds are better they can help.)
I don't trust psychiatrists any more than I did before, but I trust ME a lot more to know how to protect myself without alienating a potential helper. If they ask anything you don't want to answer the best response sometimes I found is to say, "I am sorry, I was dissociating." and for some reason that often just ends the intake! Any time you want to change what is happening just say you're dissociating, they'll focus then on that, like they might ask "Do you see spots, do you feel like you're watching this?" but you can say "I'm sorry, I am unable to be present right now" and they shut up.
I also don't make any eye contact and it helps me, I look at the wall behind them. And I keep something in my pocket to touch so I have a sense of existing. Oddly enough both beaviors tend to reinforce that I have an anxiety disorder and a history of abuse, so I am fine with doing that. Sometimes candy to suck on works too.
Their job is to have no emotion and observe and meanwhile we're having tons of emotions and they aren't responding which for me at least is very threatening! It reminds me of the indifference people showed to me when they watched me get mugged or beaten and did nothing. That's why I try to remember to say at least once, "It isn't you, I am just very triggered. I want to work with you but I need to slow this down so I don't overwhelmed by parasympathetic nervous system."
Intakes don't freak me out anymore because I have learned how to talk in a way that keeps me safe and them feeling useful. But it took getting skills to handle dissociation and flashbacks to do this. Honestly mindfulness is the only reason I can do this now.
"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.
Oh yeah remember that they
Oh yeah remember that they are scared of you as you are of them. They are scared they'll miss something and you'll kill yourself or have a reaction to a pill and they'll be sued and also probably feel really shitty. They have to check that you're not a drug addict, that you're not hallucinating, that you're not in danger, etc. So some questions will seem dumb or even insulting and they will probably stare at you weird because they have to observe you in a detached way. So yes, they are treating you like a specimin in some ways, but it's just the only way they know to get information - It's not personal. They treat everyone that way.
Also have written down the hours you are sleeping and what your eating habits are because those questions will be asked.
And don't suggest anything like DID or mania to them - If that is there let them figure it out. But if you talk in those clinical terms and don't know if it is really what you "have" you'll make it harder for them. For example if they ask "Do you hear voices?" you can be honest but detailed with something like "Sometimes I hear my mother's voice telling me I am crap but I know she is not there and the voice is really me". the questions for DID tend to be "Has anyone ever told you they saw you or talked to you and you were acting strangely, and you had no memory of it?' and "Do you have large blocks of time you don't remember?" If they use a mania term like "Are you having rapid thoughts?" be specific and say "Sometimes my thinking becomes faster, but it is more like panicing." or whatever you experience, don't just say "yes". Don't just say insmonia, say "It takes about 3 hours to get to sleep" or "I wake up 10 times a night" or "I wake up at 4 am cannot get back to sleep" - write down this info for the intake. (this can deternmine what sort of medication for insomnia you would get sometimes - and affect the diagnosis you get.) Be specific. Physical symptoms - I get stomaches a lot, or my heart races sometimes or I feel like I am going to have a heartattack, or I sweat a lot - whatever. Details! Write it down before you go.
At the end of the intake scan the lists you brought and check that nothing got left out.
The list thing might sound silly, but usually I freeze and forget what i wanted to say or I have so much to ask I forget it and then go home and with I had remembered. But the more prepared you are - trust me, the safer you'll feel, it won't be walking into the unknown, you'll already have what you are going to say with you! When a doctor has specifics they can make a much easier and more accurate plan in their minds about what may help you.
If they ask about drug use, I have started being honest - But this may be because I am straight edge now! I am straight edge just because I wasn't sure that alcohol or pot was helping me any and if I wanted to be serious about my recovery, I had to cut them out espcially when I was trying new medications. (Gee, was the pot making me eat or the medication?) And also they can really fuck you up when you take meds and pot tends to be really bad for people who might have psychotic features or anxiety and alcohol makes depression worse. It just seemed to be that to do the recovery work I needed to be clear headed. However, many times in my life - when I wasn't really feeling lie I needed psych help - I did drink and smoke pot and take pills and shit like that. But I decided if I was focusing on getting meds that help and being clear headed for the therapies, I needed to be straight edge, and it's been a few years and it's been much nicer. So say "I did heroin from age 14 to 18, starting the day after I was raped and quitting because I was at an age where legally if arrested I could have gone to jail." I say "I drank and smoked pot and ciagerettes on and off for a decade, but had no problem quitting. Being sober was important to me, not because it was a problem with my fucntioning but because I wanted to be dedicated to my medications and therapy." Bingo, I am saintly now to them. I lied about drugs for a long time and I wish I hadn't. Now when they ask what drugs you like, a lot of the time it is because there is a correolation between some drugs and some medications so if meth helped you sleep or pot helped you not be paranoid or if coke made you cry and freak out - they can get an idea of your body's chemistry about things they might prescribe. Not all docs have that knowledge, but more and more do.
Oh and when they ask things like "Who raped you at age 14?" remember that they may be asking because they want to make sure you are safe and it isn't your current boyfriend or your Dad who you still see every weekend. It's not some voyeristic sadistic thing, they need to know you and no one else is in danger.
GOOD LUCK - you deserve the best! Go in there with questions and with your symptoms and history with medications and a statement about about being triggered - and write down things they say and you'll be much safer. You have power, remember that! You are interview them for the position of psychiatrist - don't SAY that to them, but KNOW that. You don't have to go back.
"It's the end," said the caterpillar. "It's the beginning," said the butterfly.