OMG.  I had the weirdest therapy thing happen yesterday.  First I should say that when I first met with Dawn the social worker she asked me if I could talk about my feeling without using technicial terms, can I just say "I feel shitty?" and I was angry and said "No, because if I don't use precise wording, then I'll get a diagnosis that isn't what I want."

YESTERDAY (I am still in awe of this):  I start telling her about being raped and how it was how I lost my virginity and how he was the guy who took care of me for years, and then I said, "I am sure it all sounds like I am making huge connections in my thinking as I speak but really, I have this story memorized, I am saying all this for you - I KNOW this you don't, so I am wasting my life repeating this shit to therapists forever.  I KNOW this stuff."  So she said, "Then let's get to the skills.  I want you to list 5 things you cannot do because of PTSD.  Then write down why you cannot do them.  Then write the emotions and physical feelings that occur with it."  Dawn is big on the body cues.  However, I have none.  Anyway.  Her example "I cannot swim, I have panic attacks, I feel terror, my stomach churns and I get a head ache."

This wounds great, we're actually zooming in on the real stuff!

Oh yeah huh.  I don't know what the issues/problems are.  I thought I knew, but they are ones I have READ about not actually had I think.

I was going to say I cannot work - But guess what?  I could work til I was drugged senseless and told I had bipolar.  And a lot of my problems I thought were BP or PTSD went away with ADHD medication working.

So uh, what cannot I do now?

And it hits me.  I have internalized the diagnosis I have read so much, whenever I read one I end up in the hospital with those symptoms.  I talk about myself in DSM terms.  I become the diagnosis.  So they give me whatever diagnosis and I just make myself fit it.  I believed I had rapid cycling and mixed mania.  But I don't.  So do I have dissociation?  Do I have flashbacks?  I will say when I first was diagnosed PTSD I read the diagnosis every day for 6 months and never saw anything I could relate to in it at all.  Now I carbon copy myself into being it.  I decide that this experience that was mixed mania is now a flashback because that's what I now am supposed to have.

On the ADHD medication, maybe I can drive?  maybe I can work?  Maybe life is easier?  All the reast of my life is easier on it.  So maybe the other things - maybe they are not a problem anymore?  Why am I doing therapy for symptoms the DSM 4 told me to work on when I don't remember having them til I read the book?  Why am I doing therapy for issues that were there before ADHD medication but may not be there now?

What if I am not a diagnosis but instead am something much more interesting like a person?

I have been freaking out about a desperate need for skills therapy because I was told what my symptoms were and then told skills would fix them.  Hmmmm.  But what if the symptoms were not there to begin with?  And I have been forcing myself to be what the doctors need me to be so they can "fix" me?

DBT classes did help a lot though.

When doctors ask me if I have had that symptom or this one, I say yes usually maybe because I am creative and I think "I can see feeling that, sure". My Mom is the one who lately is saying to me "I don't think you do that."  I mean, I tried to get into an eating disorder clinic when I was 21 because I assumed I had to have an ED because I was a satanic ritual abuse survivor.  Well I wasn't either of those things.

I am worried that therapy and workbooks and doctors and day programs have put all these untrue idea sin my head.

So I am trying to think "What do I really experience as me?" and it's weird, to do it without the DSM 4 guiding me.

Scary but exciting.  Me describing me.  What a freaky idea.