So, since I last wrote therapy has stabalized a bit. I no longer feel absolutely terrified to go in anymore and she has backed off considerably from pressuring me into anything. She has also embraced my regression instead of fought against it. That has helped considerably.

I had a chat with the girl that I was having a hard time getting over. It's been 7 months now. It was the friendship that was the hardest thing to lose not the relationship part which was very breif. It was nice to get the straight answer and have everything out on the table. I am the kind of person that just needs to know the truth. Don't hide it from me, don't pretend shit is fine when it's not. Don't try to protect me....I will be triggered no matter what anyone else says or doesn't say. It's gonna hurt no matter what. I just want the truth. She finally gave me just that. It wasn't easy to hear, but I accepted it and was able to recognize that it was her shit and not take it on.

It also DID hurt, as I knew it would, because it brought up so much pain from my past around being unwanted and thrown away etc....and after the conversation I got that familiar nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, that deep primal feeling that I will be abandoned in the end, not only by her but by EVERYONE I care about. It has backed off with her because she was very honest with me and now I know exactly where I stand and don't expect her to neccessarily stick around. But now those other people I care about....there's only a few. But those people I am freaking out a bit with. In my head, I am trying to figure out what to do. Do I abandon them first to keep what happened with this girl from happening with them too? Do I stick it out and just pretend they won't disapear like she did (and countless others over the years)? Do I specifically ask them directly? I did actually end up calling one of them and asking her if she planned to go away. I was REALLY little when I called her and I was crying and I told her if she planned on going away then I just want to know RIGHT now. Because I just can't take not knowing what's gonna happen. And I just need a little time to cope with the loss....

I expected some people to leave right after I went into the hospital this last time and it is true someone couldn't handle me the way I was and disapeared. But now I am doing better than I have ever done in my life and I'm not expecting people to disappear so this would be the most heartbreaking time for them to go away. And it seems like with my luck this is just the time that people will start disappearing. It seems to always happen this way.

I was appreciative to the girl for telling me that she was using sex to distance herself from me. As much as it hurt to hear, at least that explains why I felt so used. Here I was thinking that we were becoming gradually more intimate and she was trying to be less so. No wonder I felt that rejection from her! At least it's making sense to me now. AND she was compassionate enough to tell me she was hesitant to ever be friends with me again. Now I'm not expecting that there can be some kind of friendship now. She's made it clearer to me and I know. I'm like that, I need to at least know. Even if it hurts.

And it does hurt. I feel like my heart is breaking open and I'm bleeding out. And I feel like that little girl who's being abused or who is all alone dealing with the after effects and NO ONE is coming looking for her. She disapeared and no one cares. I know so much of this has to do with my parents and when I was little and virtually nothing to do with now. It still hurts now. And I don't have any idea what will make the hurt less painful. I keep crying and crying and it's like the tears are just pouring out of my face. And I've done everything I can do actually with my parents as far as putting them to rest, cut-off, not getting directly triggered anymore with them. Seeing them as whole objects and hurting for what they went through as little kids and even more so because they haven't ever gotten help or felt they deserved help. I've done it all with them. And now....it's like this is it. This is the result. Raw, aching, painful, isolated, hurting. Wanting so badly to be truly seen and yet, at the same time terrified of actually being seen, but allowing myself to be seen anyway and allowing hurt and abandonment as well. And just....living.

And somehow I thought living would bring me some kind of release or joy and I am finding it doesn't really. That I am not seeing that there is any kind of solace in giving it everything I have. And I am growing weary again.