I am not used to being happy. Not that I don’t enjoy it, or anything like that, but I have been functioning depressed for as far back as I can remember. Sad is my normal state with a few bits of happiness sewn in between the lines.

I don’t not enjoy being sad. Actually I can’t stand it. But it has been this way for so long that I know how to do sad. Happiness is this new scary field for me. There is this monologue from my favorite tv show that explains how I feel better then I can.
 
EVERWOOD Ephram: The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was said that. Probably Shakespeare or maybe Sting. But at the moment, that sentence best explains my tragic flaw; my inability to change. I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw: staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still just feels better somehow. And if you are suffering...at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected, who knows what other pain might be waiting out there? Chances are it could be worse, so you maintain the status quo; choose the road already traveled, and it doesn't seem that bad; not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict, you're not killing anyone...except maybe yourself a little. When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're another person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing that most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked really really close, which, thank God they never do. But you notice it. Inside of you, that change feels like a world of difference, and you hope that it is; that this is the person you get to be forever...that you'll never have to change again.
 
 
And its true. Not just the about change but its scary to do something different because at least the pain that you know ...you know it. Does that make sense?
  
 
Anyways enough about that, why don’t I tell you why I am stating all of this.
 
Said boy from former entries, lets call him "flick", he has become my boyfriend.
And I don’t know but it’s terrifying to me. Not that I haven’t been in relationships before, I have, plenty, some fun, some care free, some really serious, some poisonous. I have done the dating thing before. But flick is so different from anyone I have dated. Everything came on so strong and so fast and not that that is a bad thing, on the contrary its quite AMAZING. But I still have this part of me that is screaming fuck up now.
 
I am almost scared to let myself be happy for the moment that I am in.
 
Why do I always have to over analyze things? Always think ahead. Honestly if there is anything that NA has given me its that I need to live "just for today" everyday I wake I am trying to make the decision to live just for today because honestly that is all I can handle at the moment.
 
Whenever anything good happens, since I don’t know how to be happy for a longer period of time then I am used to. My head starts saying fuck things up. Over and over again I hear it but you know what?
 
I have become such a strong woman. Yes I still struggle but I am human I am allowed to make mistakes. So fuck those voices and fuck being scared and fuck...I am just today. I deserve to be happy. So why not enjoy it. Knowing life something else will come around and screw things up.
 
This probably didn’t make sense. My head usually doesn’t to any but me.
 
I don’t know I have this amazing guy in my life. This guy who makes me think about things I never thought about and makes me smile all the time. We go on adventures and talk about everything and anything. I really care about him and genuinely enjoy spending time with him. Even when we are doing nothing I still have fun. I want to cherish this moment in my life because things are good. I will not listen to the thoughts that tell me to mess it up because my life is okay right now, sure its not great but I am so blessed and I want to be more thankful for all of it.
 
I also have this new network of friends too that care about me. Like true me. Silly me and serious me it doesn’t matter how I act, they don’t judge me. They take me for who I am and that is a beautiful thing.
 
See? Things are good! Maybe I just needed to write this entry so that I could remember it and possibly realize it a little more. I wish home life was better but everything takes time.
 
I am in a good place today and even though my thoughts tell me to screw them up I know better then to listen. Life is good and I am living...just for today :)