I wonder sometimes if I should submit myself to it n' be done with. Perhaps then I'd find a freedom I've yet known. Maybe darkness surrounds what we fear because we're so vigilant to outrun it. Perhaps if one was to turn n' face it, let it come into the light of fuller perspective, it'd show itself to be a blessing instead. The threat of being homeless has followed me long enough, maybe I have to face it to get on with life. I'm so weary of running. Rests' replenishment sapped from that constant foreboding, that prickle of warning that it's closing in on me.

  I hide myself in hopes of thwarting it's plans for me. I am my own undoing. So worried about this shadow trailing me that I've made myself blind to the light before me. I look to those around me to save me, but with the effect that I strip myself of experiencing my own strength. I'm wasting to an empty husk, void of hope.

  What brought this on was an appointment I had this afternoon with a housing agency that offers apartments for the elderly, handicapt n' disabled for 30% of one's income which includes rent n' utilities. Seeing as I only get $614.00 a month from disability, this the only viable housing option for me.

  Well I recieved a letter stating that I was so close to the start of the waiting list that I needed to come in today n' complete my application process. YAY!!! I was all excited over the idea of finally having a place of my own that I could afford so that I wouldn't have to continue to be a burden on my family or friends. Then we got to the part about where I had lived previously... I did live in an apartment briefly as I couldn't afford it n' had to break the lease, sort of.

                                                        *flashback*

  I was offered a room in this 3 bedroom apt. which was secured by the mental health residential program I was in. I couldn't pay rent one month because I incurred substantial overdraft fees from one of my banks , which was automaticaly taken out since my SSDI is autodeposit, and even more overdraft fees from another bank that I couldn't afford. So I freaked out n' slept the whole month, waiting to be kicked out of the program n' apartment. Next month rolls around and by this time I'm certain I'll be kicked out n' homeless... so I spend my rent money on camping gear to make being homeless more confortable. I realize that was rediculous so I start returning the items but then somehow come up short for rent so don't pay any of it.

  I go to the head haunchos of the program n' tell 'em I can't afford it, my sister is willing to let me stay with her, could I break the lease n' set up a way of paying them back what I owe them. They agree, saying it'll be easy to fill my spot at the apt., then they hand me a printout of what they say I owe 'em n' they've tagged on some charges that increase the amount by 1/3rd. They also hand my a paper I'm to sign n' submit, admitting that I owe them such money n' that I promise to pay back such amount by such day each month til it's paid off. I got lucky, the lady I was talking with didn't realize I had that form to sign n' give back.. so they don't really have any binding legal document proving I owe 'em anything, I think. I don't remember signing a lease with them.

                                                  *flashforward*

  Now the housing agent asks if I had a lease with that apartment complex, seeing that I lived there for only 3 months. I say no, it was secured by a program I was in. She asks what the program name is n' if I have their address or number. *PANIC* I give her their number n' she calls to get their address to send a "History questionnare" I assume that if they reply with anything stating that I broke a lease or haven't paid moneys owed to them that my application for the affordable housing will be rejected.

  So yet again, homelessness stalks me. It's almost become a courtship of sorts. I refuse to continue on with my sister, she deserves a life with out the pressure of having to take care of me. I could probably ask my mom to let me back with her.. I used to travel with her in an RV but since I left, trying to establish my own roots she's since downgraded to a single bedded rig. My brother's out of the question because his girlfriend wants to reform me into a straight, dress wearing, prissy woman. it doesn't matter anyhow, it never lasts anywhere. I'm always bound to run away at some point, recognizing that where I'm at does not at all resemble what my life is suppose to be. People I stay with have an uncanny drive to dictate who I should be, what I should do, how I should feel, and so on. I try for a while to reform to their idea of what's best for me, but it feels so damned wrong that I end up worse for it. I don't know myself anymore, if I in fact ever did. I am however painfully aware of who I am not, when I'm not being me.