Dizzy spell. panic. The physical issues and the emotional-mental are all intertwined. "It's all in your head" yes, the universe is in my head.

My friend and I are going to write a song about that.

I took taurine and benedryl. somehow I can't breathe right and ears are ringing. So I took those and am hoping to ease out of this into some sleep perhaps or rest and relaxation because even tho I am just sitting here, I am spinning all over the place.

The fibromyalgia-cfids-caebv deal is hardcore. Stress sets it off so badly. So with this bipolar variation or whatever it should be called, something less clinical probably, and this post traumatic hell as well, it is so hard combined with the physical issues. They both set the other off...they are the same really.

I want to look into being a guinea pig for McClean Hospital's study (is that the hospital name, I forget) on taurine for anti-mania. Sometimes they will pay for airfare and I have good friends out there.

The abilifry and over the years all the neuroleptic medications have given me a bad case of hypoglycemia which may already be diabetes by now. I have had the most horrendous blood sugar attacks. It adds to my agoraphobia, for reasons such as throwing up in a drugstore, and passing out at a bank. It adds to my fear of driving as well (tho I think this fear of driving has at least kept me out of the oil racket in a way sometimes,somehow).

Since decreasing to 2 mg of abilify, my blood sugar attacks have mellowed out some...I need some neem again as it helps stabilize blood sugar and also goji berries and also chromium. Chromium at 1000 mg a day also helps depression, they recently found. So I need these things and zillions of other things for other health issues. Too bad it is not covered like other meds cause these things are possibly keeping me alive. I ran out of stuff and I got worse in every way, mentally and physically.

So I hope to recover from all that. This recent flare up is really painful. It was hard in the morning in line outside of the social security office. It hurts in my hips. It is frustrating.

The side effect of immobility is an increase in intense astral traveling dreams it seems. I gladly accept this gift for my loss from the universe. It may be saving my life too. Magical thinking as well saves my life. I am lucky I have a counselor who is magical herself (I think she is a faerie) and she does not judge for this thinking I have. There is nothing wrong with being a magical person. I don't need meds for that. I need something for feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I think some alternatives do help besides meds but I will use meds if necessary in crisis times.

I just think they need to design meds that wecan get off of when the time is right without these severe, dangerous withdrawals. I mean it is so fucked up. I took a year so far to get off of what I got off of. I was real careful because it seems I developed a more intense form of bipolar with ssri withdrawal. Being on them is agitating too. We need more cyclical meds....ugh these "target therapeutic level doses" are not based in reality. We all are different. And we are cyclical. The meds should go with cycles better.

The meds feel experimental. So now I experiment on myself with naturopathy. I just wish there was some doctor support for this because I am seeming to be one of those medicine intolerant ones. I can't help it and I just pray they don't force electric shock on me one day. It has happened to family members. It is so hard. Being an electrical injury survivor, that would be very traumatic.

So I do stuff like praying lately...even tho some days I think I am an atheist. I think my creator or whoever, the force, the chi or whatever, it does not have amn ego in such a way that it will damn me to hell for not believing some days and the questioning process actually helps me to deepen my spirituality. I think I am a spiritual agnostic if I must have a term. But I do honor specific deities at times, depending. I think they and the saints and such at least represent certain energies in the universe and I like to at least pretend I can talk to and listen to them (listening Quaker style is something I want to work on-- I talk too much).

Wow this helped. thank you. I can breathe right again. Earlier it was getting scary. thank you.

I used to be on 4 or5 meds I think. I thnk 5 at one time. Now I am down to 2 mg abilify and 1.50 mg xanax. Not bad. I am getting by....I could be better but I could be worse. The fish oil and amino acids, and rhodiola rosea are godsends. I must add chromium too. Love, n