Today I got into an argument with my father. I have been confused lately about what kind of lifestyle I want to live and how I am going to go about doing this in this society, where freedom is limited. This summer I have been living with him and borrowing his car so that I can go to a chiropractor and see a physical therapist two times a week. It has not been easy, I have been adamant about not getting on meds and about studying natural ways one can heal. Because we live in a neighborhood where it is necessary to have a car to get around I have had some cabin fever and some loneliness and I am serious about getting my goals accomplished and sensitive when I feel as though someone does not respect what I am doing or that my progress is being hindered. Not having a car or employment in this society has made me confused about what my role is in relation to society and to others. It has not been my intention to vegetate and get little done but I still feel that stigma hanging over my head. Oftentimes when someone will ask me what I have been doing, I find it hard to articulate or be satisfied with the way I am answering the question. You know that Blackstar song “KOS” (the knowledge of self) “these things I say and do may not come quite through; my words may not convey just what I’m feeling. 

 

Out here this summer, I’ve been getting up at 5:30am and at 9:00am, getting a lot of things done, and exercising and meditating everyday. I’m quite excited about what I am doing actually. It is frustrating that I can not share more with others. My orientation is from an activist community and I wish more activism understood and practiced mental health. I intend to bring that tendency back.

 

The main thing though, I have noticed that I have hesitated to defend myself when I am verbally confronted and I did not do that today. I’ve made it a point lately to emphasize that if someone confronts me about something I am doing, or how I am speaking, or my lifestyle, it is important that I defend my position and be heard. I definitely did that today. Ya Basta! I am quite pleased and proud of myself. I used to hesitate before I got angry, today I simply let it flow, I got heard, it was awesome. I’ll try not to get big-headed about it.

 

What happened was my dad told me he wanted to me to only see a chiropractor once a week, I told them then I would not have as much to do, then he told me to get a job, and I told him I didn’t have a car. I felt that his attitude was insensitive and ignorant. I have certain needs that need to be met and when someone ignores them or tries to trample over them I do get angry. I feel like I did not get overly angry and that I defended what I was doing without degrading what he was doing. My dad is selling his house and buying a new one in Kentucky. I anticipated that he may try to interfere with my life based on the justification that he was “busy” or “had lot on his plate.” That is no kind of excuse. I feel that it is important to defend your lifestyle and your needs even if you are getting help from someone else. God forbid!  I was also pleased that I did not think very much about the argument after it was through. In the past it has bothered me that my focus has been disturbed by conflict. I do not think it is healthy or necessary to go on thinking about what was said in a verbal argument after the argument is over and I did not do that today. 

 

My favorite part of the argument was when my father accused me of being angry. I was quite ready for this. Often people with mental health issues are labeled “angry” or “crazy” or “selfish”. I feel like these labels are frequently used in conflict to degrade the person with mental health issues to some kind of lower or illegitimate level. I think young people have this problem as well and so do people in poverty and any person who has been discriminated. That did not happen today. When my father accused me of being angry I said he was angry. When he said he was not angry I said I was not angry. I was not going to be labeled in a negative way. I feel like if one wants to be heard, the playing field must be evened. Personally I think that is a passive-aggressive thing to say to a person, to try to change their situation without their consent, to label them, and to try to act as though they are “clean” or “outside” of the situation. That sounds like some bull$hit the capitalists do. I remember being called angry when I was a kid and my father and I got into arguments. In those days being called angry was confusing and I feel that it may have been used to silence my voice around certain issues. I think that is like casting a spell as if what we are saying is somehow obscene. Luckily I am younger and stronger now.

 

Afterwords both of us calmed down. I think my father reneged his statement about me seeing the chiropractor less. He says he wants me to ask the chiropractor what kind of progress I am making and let him know. It seems he may want to help more. We shook hands at the end.

 

We are not lazy, we are not weak, we are brilliant!  

 

Peace and love

BB